I was in the Navy and took a week of leave in Italy...

Had my girlfriend flown out to Rome as a birthday present and convinced her to have a quickie in one of the dark alcoves in the Vatican just so I could one day brag about it like this.

Fastest session I've very had... oh, and 10 years later...mission complete as soon as I hit save on this post.

I was in the Navy and took a week of leave in Italy...

Lunchmunny

Made myself in Sims just to get laid.

...but my sim doesn't seem to get laid.

Made myself in Sims just to get laid.

[deleted] & MistressLori

I masturbated with a cucumber when I was a teenager...

Washed it off, put it back in the fridge.

Mom ate it the next day.

I masturbated with a cucumber when I was a teenager...
I was at a sleepover when I was 13 and saw my friend's older sister's boob as she walked down the hall with her robe half open.

Had to pound one out while my friend slept in right next to me (same bed). Not a proud moment in my life.

Looking back on it, I don't think he was asleep but rather awake and paralyzed at the fact that his friend was jacking it so close to him. Had to be done tho that boob was niiiiiice.

I was at a sleepover when I was 13 and saw my friend's older sister's boob as she walked down the hall with her robe half open.

Salesman337

Had blue balls from sleeping with (but not sexing) a girl I liked...

I went to work the next day and jerked it in the bathroom to the picture of a crying chick on the sexual harassment awareness poster.

Had blue balls from sleeping with (but not sexing) a girl I liked...

treynolds787

I was real horny and in a dry spell.

I decided to join a 'fetish' social network and started chatting.

One chick (who I guess was prob a guy) and I started swapping photos. She wanted to see me hang a 2 litre milk bottle off my balls with shoe laces and make a video of it singing "here comes the milk man, full cream full cream"

She/he then tried to extort me for money other wise she would post it on the internet.

I told her to screw off.

Somewhere out there is a video of me swinging 2 litres of milk from my sack and singing a song.

I was real horny and in a dry spell.

malawisativa

When I was 13 I jerked off in my friend's pool while he was inside making us sandwiches...

I finished as he came back outside and he dove head first into my floating load.

Sandwiches were good. 8/10.

When I was 13 I jerked off in my friend's pool while he was inside making us sandwiches...

Real_John_C_Reilly

Called one of those late night chat lines. Met up with this 47 year old chick at like 5 in the morning...

She was a heroin addict. I helped her move a bunch of stuff on her lawn for a yard sale, presumably to get money for more drugs. Felt her boobs and made out with her a little. Her daughter came downstairs and they got in an argument, calling each other really rude names. She asked me to go upstairs but I politely declined. I left after that. Don't make that call.

Called one of those late night chat lines. Met up with this 47 year old chick at like 5 in the morning...

HookersForDahl2017

Masturbated in an airplane bathroom when I was like 12...

Couldn't finish because a 6 year old kept knocking on the door.

Masturbated in an airplane bathroom when I was like 12...

toxicbox

One time I engineered a fleshlight...

I made it out of a towel, rubber band, rubber glove and hand lotion which I then taped to the computer desk.

I was home alone and 14.

One time I engineered a fleshlight...

fremenist

Gave a guy a BJ while his dad slept in the bed next to us...

He probably wasn't even asleep while we were doing it, and I'm assuming he never slept ever again after that.

Gave a guy a BJ while his dad slept in the bed next to us...

Syllygrrrl

Slow day at work, took the work van in for a wash...

Vigorously rubbed one out over the course of an ultra supreme car wash.

Slow day at work, took the work van in for a wash...

MrAsh-

I once masturbated in the back seat of my parent's van while my dad drove...

I was probably 12 or 13, in the far back (2 seats behind him) with nobody else in the van, but looking back on it he'd have to be pretty oblivious to not know...

I once masturbated in the back seat of my parent's van while my dad drove...

chooseph

Hooked up with an ex, whom I hate. Actually she hated me too.

Like we had the would not waste the piss on each other to put out the flames if one of us was burning alive kind of hate going on.

The sex was angry, awkward, mutually selfish and devoid of any personal warmth, and we both clearly felt ashamed about it afterwards and were questioned what in our lives had gone wrong to bring us to this moment.

Hooked up with an ex, whom I hate. Actually she hated me too.

SaintOfPirates

Was playing battlefront 2 with my best friend when I was about 13...

The urge came on and I used the vibration from the controller to secretly do the deed while we were playing. I believe I was playing as the clone trooper with the heavy machine gun that could fire for long periods of time without overheating lol

Was playing battlefront 2 with my best friend when I was about 13...

cjarel777

When I was in college, there was a really bad snowstorm one night, but I was up late texting some girl...

Things got heated and I decided to brave the storm to get lucky.

I ended up getting stuck in the snow about a half mile from her house in the city. I abandoned my car in the middle of the street and walked the rest of the way, because I was NOT going home empty-handed.

Mission accomplished (yes!) then returned to my car a couple hours later to find the battery depleted from the hazards. It was like 4am at this point so I had nobody to contact for a jump. I ended up waiting almost two more hours before someone driving by jumped me and I was able to unstick my car and drive home.

10/10 would do again. Great life memory of a desperate struggle for a conquest.

When I was in college, there was a really bad snowstorm one night, but I was up late texting some girl...

Jackson_Cook

In high school I was really tired one day, talking to one of my buddies...

Not like a real close friend but more of a peripheral bro, and I was talking about how tired I was because it was early in the morning. He said he had some caffeine pills, and asked if I wanted some, I said sure, so I took 2 that he gave me. Then he started busting up laughing, and I didn't get the joke. "What's so funny?" I ask, and he showed me the bottle, it was actually his father's perscription viagra.

So everyone in the group was laughing because I just took 2 viagra.

Then word started spreading around school how I had taken the viagra, and everyone seemed to be giving me funny smirks and weird looks.

I don't really know how viagra is specifically supposed to work, so this might be a plecebo thing, but an hour or so later I had an uncontrolable rock hard erection and had to go to the bathroom to jerk off. I came out of there and there was a bunch of people waiting for me and they all started laughing.

I gotta say, it was pretty damn funny.

In high school I was really tired one day, talking to one of my buddies...

kevie3drinks

I thought putting my penis into a snowball would be fun.

Turns out I compacted it too tight, so it was like rubbing my junk on an ice rink floor. 0/10.

I thought putting my penis into a snowball would be fun.

[deleted]

I once masturbated with hand sanitizer...

Those of you who have been in this position know this is already a bad idea. Being the pyromaniac I was at fourteen, I also knew that when lighting hand sanitizer on fire on your hand, it burned slowly and not as hot. So I was like "what the hell" and found a lighter.

Went at it until I was about to finish, and then lit my crotch ablaze. I was immediately in a lot of pain, flipping over in bed to put out my fiery genitalia. And as a cherry on top, peeing the next day hurt like crazy because of the hani-sani. 0/10 do not recommend.

I once masturbated with hand sanitizer...

bruceygoosey

My grandmother was a seamstress and had these massive rolls of thread on cone shaped dispensers...

I stole one and used it to masturbate for 6 years or so till I was 18 and could get a vibrator.

Sorry Grandma.

My grandmother was a seamstress and had these massive rolls of thread on cone shaped dispensers...

charlottedhouse

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