Ever been in a situation where it was probably best to keep your mouth shut? If so, you probably did the smart thing - and kept your damn mouth shut.
Well... these Reddit users decided to take a different route, and the results are as hilarious as you'd think.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: ...cause I wasn't wearing my seatbelt?
He got a chuckle and I only got a warning, next cop didn't find it nearly as amusing...
All whilst heavily intoxicated and dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow.
Me: Can't I eat while I drive?
Me: But I can smoke?
Me: Then I was smoking the apple.
A guy was walking around my neighbourhood, obviously casing houses. I called the police department after hours and couldn't get ahold of anyone. I passed a cop while driving and sped passed him so that he would pull me over.
He walked up and said "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said "Yeah because I wanted you to so I could actually talk to an officer". He went and found the guy, and arrested him because he had a warrant out on him.
"Which one of you dudes is Jay?"
"Yes'sir. I just didn't see you sitting behind it."
I'll never forget how hard he scrunched his face up trying not to laugh.
I was a new driver, saw him, and freaked out. He asked me why he shouldn't write me a ticket, and I told him "I really don't want you to."
Got off with a warning.
I said "well you looked bored sitting there so I figured I'd give you something to do".
The cop laughed and let me off with a warning.
A cop pulls up behind us and knocks on the window and shines his light on us. It went something like this.
Cop: What are you two doing.?
Friend: Well, we were deciding if we wanted to get late-night burritos or just head home
Cop: Yeah? You two smoking weed tonight?
Friend: No we don't smoke weed
Cop: You two been drinking?
Friend: No, not tonight
Cop, looking around: Yeah... ok... how much weed have you smoked?
Me: Uh... none. We just said that, sir
Friend: Do you want to look in the car or...?
Cop: So you want me to believe you two are out here just hanging out, getting coffee at 1am?
Friend: Yeah, that's all were doing man.
Me: Do you want us to step out of the car? We could do that if it would make you feel better.
Cop: I'm not buying it.
Friend, smirking: Alight, how do you want it sold to you then?
Cop: I don't want to be SOLD anything - I want the truth
Me: We gave it too you, sir. How would you like us to prove it too you?
Cop: You're both smoking weed. I'm not a fool, boys.
Cop: I'm not!
Friend: We're not disagreeing with you.
Cop: Oh yeah? You think you can fool me?
Me: We're both saying no, sir.
Cop: Look, you need to prove you're not smoking weed, or I'm taking you both in and impounding your car.
Friend: That sounds fine, what do you have in mind?
Me: ... Are we... Do you want us to walk a line or?...
Cop: You boys head right home! I don't want you out and about anymore tonight.
Friend: Yeah... that's not something you can tell us to do...
Cop: I've got my eye on you!
Friend: Thank you officer, you have a good night.
Cop, leaving: Go home!
Pretty sure he just saw a couple of teens in a car late at night and fogured we were up to no good. That being said we had a lot of weed in the car (in a bag). Cop comes over and is like "soooo you have anything illegal in the car?"
"Just my good looks" I reply. Cop laughs and lets us leave.
My heart just about gave out it was beating so fast.
As I was unlocking my car, all four got out of their cars and approached me. One of them asked me to please stop and walk over to them. I did. Then he asked if I knew why they were stopping me, to which I replied "I'm assuming you are strippers."
"Yes, you must be strippers. It's my birthday and four suspiciously good-looking police officers just stopped me for absolutely no reason."
Three laughed, one did not.
I then had to wait for 10 minutes while he wrote me a warning for jaywalking.
We were walking toward a bar in Manhattan passing it around. One friend was holding it when a cop slowly pulled up to us. I was the one closest to his window and he waved me over and asks me 'Why is your friend holding a bottle of cranberry juice?' It was pretty obvious it wasn't just cranberry on a Friday night in the East Village.
I said 'He's on his period...'
The cop laughed and made us dump it.
So the cops came and were clearly on her side before they even spoke to me. I asked them why they didn't assess the situation first, talk to both of us and then figure out what was going on instead of taking her side right away.
The cop literally said "we take the side of the person who called us to the scene."
So I looked at Coppy Mr Copperson and said: "Okay, so why don't you leave, go down to Dunkin' Donuts and I'll call you back and then you can take my side or at least even listen to me."
After about 15-20 minutes of field sobriety tests...
Cop: "Do you know the difference between being intoxicated and being impaired? Do you know which one you are?"
Me: "One of them involves me having at least a BAC of .08 in the state of NY and the other is a synonym you want me to admit to so you can take me in even though I passed all your sobriety tests."
Cop: long pause "You can go, but I'm blasting out your license plate number, and if somebody else sees you so much as switch lanes without signalling, they will book you."
Dude was a jerk.
It was "clean up, pick up day" the next morning. For those that don't know what it is, it's when the city garbage trucks pick up larger rubbish such as old tv's, chairs, appliances, cans, etc. so residents stack junk by the road.
After many beers, me and this other kid I never met before decided it would be fun to throw the junk into the street. The pile by the house was mostly old metal lawn chairs. They were pretty light weight but fun to fling. We started throwing the stuff and I think the 4 or 5th chair we threw nailed a passing by car. It was very dark and the car slammed on the brakes and quickly reversed. And then the lights on the top of the car turned on. We had hit a cop car.
The officers jumped out, and pretty much immediately cuffed us. They read us our rights, and put the other kid in the car. They started to stuff me in the back too. After Begging and pleading for them not to arrest me I whimpered, "you cant arrest me an EMT" (which I was at the time). They responded with, "who cares?". By now the supervisor and a few other officers had arrived. I knew I was screwed. So I thought 'whatever' and gave something else a shot. A friend of mine had just gone through the police academy and told me all the details. So I tell them more firmly, "I am a police recruit!. They paused for a moment, and I felt like I might have a chance. So I tell them, "yeah I am in the police academy in Xxx county" "I payed my own way to get into the academy, you can call my recruiting officer, his number is in my phone". They ask me his name. I make it up completely but sound certain. (I was 4-5 counties away from my hometown) . Now they are seem a little confused and conflicted on what to do, they go into a huddle and come back. They ask every detail about the academy. They ask about the push-ups, the running, the classes, question after question. Again I can answer everything, as my friend recently told me every detail about it. They were a little confused about my hair being longer (which was unfit for a police academy for sure) and Then they ask me about my "recruiting officer" I repeat his name and I say, "just call my recruiting officer! He will explain everything!" Mind you it's like 3am, and they think about it for a minute and go back to huddle. They seem to take forever and I think I am screwed for sure because there is no recruiting officer to call. Then the supervisor says sternly, " it's 3am, we aren't calling anyone", and they take my cuffs off. They pull out the other kid who had been sitting cuffed in the car listening and make us clean up the mess. Then as I was turning around to put back the final chair one of the officers pushed me in the back so I fall to the ground and yell, "Hey recruit, get a haircut!!" And they drive away.
The other kid was still in shock that we got out free. His face is still a little white. He says to me after the last car is out of sight, "wow I thought we were done, thank god you're in the police academy" I turn to him and say, "what? You believed that? I am not in the police academy." He seemed so bewildered. And we go back to the party and drink some more beers, later I overhear him talking to some of his friends about how I saved him and it was amazing.
I was so flabbergasted that they would accuse me like that, I didn't deny having weed. Cue the 20 minute search for the weed on me while I laughed my ass off saying cold, cold, warmer. They asked me why I wasted their time at the end, I told them they shouldn't make assumptions and shouldn't waste my time.
I was driving it and I accelerated to get through a yellow light before it turned red. That's when the the cop turned on the lights. When he got to the window he asked:
"Do you know what a yellow light means, son?"
I said: "That means it's gonna turn red soon."
He said: "No, it means clear the intersection."
I told him: "Officer, with the size of this vehicle and at the rate I was moving, had anything entered the intersection, I'd have cleared it right out. I promise."
He laughed and told me that since I'd caught him off guard and made him laugh, he would let me off with a warning.
My girlfriend at the time lived not too far away, and if I left her house at 9:50, I would be home by 10 without speeding.
Well, one night, I didn't wind up leaving her house until 9:55. The road I was driving on had a speed limit of 20mph, as they were repaving the road. Well, I was going 70. I got pulled over at 9:58pm in plain view of my house, though not quite there.
The cop asked why I was speeding, and I said "Sir, I have a 10:00 curfew, it's 9:58. Frankly, I'm more afraid of my mother than I am of you."
He laughed and let me go without a ticket or formal warning. I got home at 10:01 and was grounded for a week, mostly for getting pulled over.
I said "Oh! Totally. You wanna meet him? He's kinda shy".
He laughed. Told his partner "he said totally."
Took my license, sat in their car for a minute, then drove up next to me, handed me my cards from their window, and drove off.
I later realized that a coat and hat were on top of a mess in my backseat and actually could have looked like a dead body.
Officer pulled me over for not pulling completely into the road going from drive way (like I drove 10 feet on the wrong side, but there was no traffic).
Officer: "Can you afford a ticket as a new driver?"
Dumb me: "I did just pick up my paycheck"
Let me go with a warning.