Simultaneous orgasms are pretty much expected.

If you're not climaxing at least 5 times there's something wrong with you. Seriously -- go get yourself checked out.

Simultaneous orgasms are pretty much expected.
Foreplay, who cares? Let's get right to the action!

Nobody cares about the time it takes to get into the mood. It's not like studies have been telling us for years that most people can't even orgasm until they've reached a certain level of arousal.

Foreplay, who cares? Let's get right to the action!
Female moaning meets ghostly silent guy.

These are the rules, never to be broken.

Female moaning meets ghostly silent guy.
Lesbians all have long hair.

Gay guys all have six pack abs.

Lesbians all have long hair.
Pubic hair – or body hair in general – isn't a thing for women.

Their bodies are all smoother than a hairless cat that recently exfoliated. Because women don't actually have (gasp!) BODY HAIR, do they?

Pubic hair – or body hair in general – isn't a thing for women.
Women can orgasm without any clitoral stimulation.

How often in porn do you see a woman being jack-hammered (every woman's favorite!) until she orgasms. It's not like only 20% of women can orgasm without clitoral stimulation or something.

Women can orgasm without any clitoral stimulation.
Hair and makeup remains perfectly in place during sex.

That post-sex look that leaves a person looking like Einstein meets raccoon? Nahhh!

Hair and makeup remains perfectly in place during sex.
Squeaky clean buttholes.

What is a discolored butthole? Apparently a foreign concept, according to porn.

Squeaky clean buttholes.
Maids, teachers, cheerleaders, and massage therapists probably want to have sex with you.

When have you ever seen a porn film where one of these people was like, "No thanks. I'm not really into you."

Never. That's when.

Maids, teachers, cheerleaders, and massage therapists probably want to have sex with you.
All lesbians have long nails.

To gay women everywhere, this one is completely laughable. If you don't understand, just think about the mechanics of nails meets vagina for one second.

All lesbians have long nails.
Sex is void of romance and intimate connection. Being degraded is sexy for all women.

You know what's sexy? Treating a person with the same level of respect and regard as the used dental floss in your bathroom garbage.

Mmmm yeah.

Sex is void of romance and intimate connection. Being degraded is sexy for all women.
According to porn, lesbians like to put a vast array of things into their vagina.

Shoes? Yep. Corn on the cob? Bring it on. The DVD box set of Full House? Now we're talkin'.

According to porn, lesbians like to put a vast array of things into their vagina.
When going down on a girl, anything'll do.

In fact, to achieve maximum pleasure, try to picture that you're in an ice cream eating contest.

When going down on a girl, anything'll do.
Yes means yes. Maybe means yes. No means yes.

Got it??

Yes means yes. Maybe means yes. No means yes.
Gay women all love to seduce all their friends.

"Oh hey, I know you're not into women and have expressed that several times and quite frankly I don't really like you either, but why not give it a shot?"

Gay women all love to seduce all their friends.
It all must end with a penis.

So much lesbian porn ends with a man entering and being all like, "Oops! Well, now that I'm here why don't I just join?"

It all must end with a penis.
Scissoring.

Always with the scissoring.

Scissoring.
If someone walks into the room while you're having sex, they're going to want to join...

The person you are with is gonna be all like, "Come on! The more the merrier" and beckon them over with the enthusiasm of a puppy getting a treat.

If someone walks into the room while you're having sex, they're going to want to join...
It's not at all awkward!

No weird spills, awkward angles, involuntary noises, farts, queefs, or mess to clean up. Nobody ever feels pain or has to re-adjust. Nobody in porn has even heard of foot cramps, not-so-articulate dirty talk, or "missing the entrance."

It's not at all awkward!
Shoes. What's with everyone in porn keeping their shoes on?

If I were with someone who kept their shoes on during sex I'd think they were about to run away at the end of it.

Shoes. What's with everyone in porn keeping their shoes on?
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