"My father was married 4 times. I believe the two that he honestly loved the most were the first, my mother, and the last, his widow."
All 3 ex wives were in the audience...
You marry a lot
All the people you marry die
Your food sucks
My friends, this is the rare quadruple burn.
Thelittleusername & evan2621
One kid who was a few grades above us and one of those reborn christian types decided he would speak at the funeral. (The parents of my friend asked that instead of a eulogy, they'd have all his loved ones share some memories.)
So, this kid goes up to the podium and goes on a long winded rant about religion and how this loss of life wasn't fair. Then he openly pondered whether my friend was in hell or not because suicide is a sin.
Nobody stopped him, though. We were all kind of sitting their with our mouths opened waiting for him to stop. I'll never forget that.
At the end he was so hopped up on drugs he was saying crazy things (like people were coming out of his armoire at night and stealing his stuff). Anyway, near the end he called my brother-in-law over to the bed and whispered in his ear: "Son, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're half-black. You're still my son, though, and I love you." Bro-in-law laughed a little and said "Ok, dad", and that ended up being one of his last interactions with his father. He shared this story with the rest of the family over the next few days while we were making preparations for the funeral, and we all chuckled.
At the funeral we were all huddled near the back of the room while friends, family and well-wishers congregated near his body to say their goodbyes. 99.9% of all the folks who showed up were white, but one elderly black guy showed up and slowly made his way up to the casket and starting praying over the body. Without missing a beat, my brother-in-law leaned over to his mother and asked her in a voice loud enough for all of us to hear: "Is that my real dad?"
We all LOST IT. I was doubled over, nearly on the floor, laughing my face off.
The entire room looked at us as though we had completely lost our minds.
I literally said "what am I supposed to say? I didn't like him"
He talked constant said mean things about my mom, who'd done absolutely nothing to him, treated me and my sister like absolute crap as kids. As soon as I hit puberty he spent any time I was around staring at my chest. He tried to grope me once and got slapped for it, which he just used to talk more trash about me. I hated him, and death did nothing to change that.
I do love my dad though, so I agreed to go to the viewing for him. I ended up just sticking with my dads girlfriend and my sister, who also were not a fan of this guy. My sister refused to go even look at the body, obviously still pissed with him, but I ended up going up with dads girlfriend.
Apparently she had a bit of a history with him as well because she leaned over the body when nobody else was paying attention and whispered with as much vitriol as person can muster while smiling "Good riddance you nasty old man."
I started laughing. I ended up passing it off as weird grief emotions and had to excuse myself to the car.
At her funeral, there was a family brawl between my side of the family and my grandmother's husband's side of the family. Since neither side were related to each other, there was some disagreement over inheritance, and things got ugly.
There was a literal brawl in the funeral home right in front of the casket!
I wasn't involved (I live in another country), but when I heard about it, I was once again justified in putting thousands of miles between me and my crazy family.
My uncle (mom's side) came up to us, trying to make small talk and then said "Oh cmon! Lighten up! I've never seen you girls so down."
Dude - we're at our Dads funeral who died in his mid 40s unexpectedly. What do you expect us to be like?
She died unexpectedly at 27. Her best friend (who is a very close friend of ours), in tears and all broken up, says "Ain't she pretty tho?" and my partner replies softly ".. I'd still do her.."
Cue the awkward silence for a good 3 seconds. And then the best friend bursts into tears and laughter. "You idiot! I needed that, thanks".
He said that he was in a better place especially since he was buried, because when Armageddon comes the dead will rise up to form Jesus's army.
Those who are cremated or prepared in another fashion would not be able to help in the war against the devil.
His ring tone is the stabby music from psycho. I was sitting right next to him doing the best I could to sink through the pew I was sitting in.
My jerk uncle went mental, probably the first time I've ever agreed with him.
This was my mom's father and he was very well-loved.
After the service my mom remarked about how she really enjoyed the priest's eulogy.
Dad: "He probably says the same thing about everyone."
I thought I was saying my Grandpa had died but my Grandma and other 2 Grandparents were still alive.
"One down, three to go"
While in line to say my condolences to the parents, I couldn't decide what to say, either, "We will always remember him," or "We will never forget him."
What came out of my mouth was, "We will never remember him."
Then he said it wrong again. It was at this point my brother stood up and yelled at the priest in a packed funeral.
No one in my family steps foot in that church anymore.
His brothers had to pull him off the altar and a fight broke out. The ensuing action excited the father of the deceased who had a heart condition. He died on the spot. The next week I was serving another funeral.
At the cemetery they're all off by themselves while we wait for the hearse with the ashes to show up.
I walk over and say, "It's now 1:05. My father is late for his own funeral." No one said anything.
They just moved slowly away.