Helicopter Parents

We were at the beach and my wife was putting sunscreen on our toddler. A woman sitting close to us rolled her eyes and said to my wife, "That boy doesn't need sunscreen. Helicopter parents raise soft kids. Ridiculous."

We are pretty far from overprotective parents, so it caught us off-guard for sure. Apparently you can't raise a tough kid unless you give them the chance to develop skin cancer.

Helicopter Parents
Situational Awareness

My friend and I were at the zoo, looking at the penguins. I said, "It's bizarre that there are penguins from South Africa."

My friend said, "You're wrong. There aren't any penguins in Africa because its way too hot."

I replied that the only reason I mentioned it was because we were standing in an exhibit that was literally labeled "African Penguins."

Situational Awareness
Can Confirm

I was my little sister's sponsor at her confirmation. I was 18, and she was 14. The woman sitting next to me got all nasty because I was nodding off. She said I should be ashamed and that I was being disrespectful.

What she didn't know was that I had end stage liver failure and Hepatic Encephalopathy. Plus, I was on a lot of pain meds. Afterwards, I told my mom about it (sponsors were seated separately from parents) and she was furious.

She cornered the woman in the bathroom and just reamed her out. The lady skulked out very quickly after that.

I'm glad to say that a year later I got my transplant and I'm now healthy.

Can Confirm
The Shape Of Things

About one year into our marriage we bought a dining table and chairs. It was our first piece of 'real' furniture. My wife was so happy that she posted picturess on Facebook and wanted her mom to take a look. Her mom called us up and commented that it was a nice oval-shaped table.

My wife became upset, "You didn't look." She said.

"Yes I did!" Her mom answered.

My wife countered, "It's not oval, it's rectangular."

"No, it's an oval, I looked."

My wife finally gets her mom to go look again and her mom comes out with this gem, "Well, that's what I call it!"

"You're telling me that you call rectangles ovals?"

This has become a running gag for us. Whenever we lose an argument we always end it with, "Well, that's what I call it!"

The Shape Of Things
I'm Your Biographer

I was in class once and my classmate said that his last name was Osburne. But some other guy kept arguing, "I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Osbourne."

My classmate became enraged and yelled out, "I'm pretty sure I know how to say my last name!"

I'm Your Biographer
Man On The Moon

My ninth grade science teacher told me there was no gravity on the moon.

When I explained that everything with mass has a gravitational pull, and that the moon does have gravity, it's just less than earth because it has less mass than earth - her response was, "No, that doesn't sound right. Otherwise things would be sticking to me."

Man On The Moon
Meese's Pieces

I said, "It's funny that geese is the plural form of goose but the plural form of moose is not meese."

This guy said, "Uh, actually, the plural form of moose is meese. You didn't know that?"

He wasn't being sarcastic. I said, "No, it's not." But he just kept nodding his head with a smug smile on his face.

I looked it up and proved him wrong.

Meese's Pieces
Past Imperfect

My 9th grade English teacher had us do an exercise on homonyms. Here was one of the sentences where we had to pick the correct word to use: "Jack and Jill walked ____ (passed or past) the gas station."

Naturally, I put past, only to be marked wrong. I inquired about it and my teacher said, "No, Jeff. That's like the past, present, and future."

How this person became an English teacher I have no idea.

Past Imperfect
No Business Bureau

I was a stay-at-home dad for my two daughters. My youngest was a toddler at the time. I had a lady tell me that I had no business bathing my children because I was male and they were female.

I welcomed her to the 21st century and told her to mind her own [expletive] business.

No Business Bureau
Delusions Of Geography

My mum had mental health issues and would express and insist on bizarre 'truths' when she was unwell.

My boyfriend at the time came over once. He said that his parents were going to Hawaii. I said that I always wanted to visit an island in the Pacific. My mum asked if I was stupid. "Hawaii is in AFRICA," she said (she sounded the letters out extra long for emphasis).

I just said I must have forgotten that and did my best not to laugh. My boyfriend became indignant and despite my frantically waving 'no' proceeded to correct her and say that I was right. That didn't go over very well.

I spent the next half hour, in private, trying to explain to him what delusions are.

Delusions Of Geography
Fake News

I had a really self-assured Science teacher once. Here are some highlights:

She told us Harambe was shot for trying to eat a child.

She told us gorillas are carnivores. When asked why, she said that, "No animal that big can survive off of plants." Lady, you taught us about dinosaurs!

She told us that people in Florida don't have basements. My aunt actually lived in Florida at the time and had a basement.

She told us that the school handbook prevented us from having our phones not shut all the way down. It said no such thing.

A student asked how fast the Earth revolved. The teacher said flatly, "One year." The student rephrased his question, realizing what he was asking and what the teacher thought he had asked were different. He asked at how many miles per hour the earth spun on its axis. "One year!" barked the teacher. Three or four different people tried to explain the question, and one got sent to the hall.

This lady was mid forties and was adamant that we were not allowed to fact-check her. A student got detention for trying to do so.

Fake News
Our Lady Of Assumptions

Someone corrected me on my gender once during a phone call. I have a gender neutral name, so people screw it up online all the time.

They asked, "Could I speak to [name], please?"

I answered, "This is she."

"No, [name] is a man." They said.

I gave him a moment of silence to sort himself out while I wheezed, trying to hold back laughter.

Our Lady Of Assumptions
Shoop, There It Is

I was the person who needed correcting. In grade 2 I explained to my entire class, as pretentiously as a 7-year-old could, that the singular of sheep is shoop. My logic was that the singular of geese is goose and that the rule applied to sheep too. I still remember the other kids looking at me like I had two heads.

Shoop, There It Is
I Love Conversate Shoes

I was arguing with my ex, and I told her that I'm allowed to converse with anyone I'd like. She stopped the argument to tell me that the word is conversate not converse.

I Love Conversate Shoes
Read My 'Lips

In kindergarten, we did an activity for Mother's Day where we colored some pre-printed cards with three tulips on them. The teacher told us to color them red, yellow and orange. 6-year-old me colored one purple because I didn't like orange. My teacher told me I was wrong, and to redo it because, "Purple tulips don't exist."

I told my mom when I got home. She cut a purple tulip out of our garden and I took it to class the next day to prove my teacher wrong.

Read My 'Lips
Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

I ran into our local vet and her very fundamentalist younger sister. As the vet and I talked, her sister looked out into the store parking lot and saw an older man staggering to his truck.

Her little sister said, very primly, "There but for the grace of God go I."

I said, "Actually, he is a very well-respected man."

She replied, "He is obviously drunk before noon."

"No," I said, "He has MS. He's my father and your sister's pastor."

Big sister just looked embarrassed.

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged
The Dye Is Cast

I bought curtains with my girlfriend. We later decided we wanted to do other windows the same so we went back.

"I don't think these are the same color." I said.

"Of course they are!" she replied. And then later, in front of friends, she made fun of me because men don't get colors, see? They all laughed at me.

Later we looked at them side by side. Different dye lots. Whoops.

The Dye Is Cast
But Hey, What Do I Know?

In eighth grade history class, I was talking about shtetls and my teacher corrected me and said that the villages Jews lived in were called pogroms. I told her that pogroms were actually the violent raids taken against Jews.

She went on to say that I was wrong. How dare I talk back to her? I'm the student and she's the teacher. She is therefore correct and what could possibly have moved me to believe I could be right?

I answered that maybe it's because I'm a Yiddish-speaking Jew.

But Hey, What Do I Know?
Alt-Dad

"Well, actually the slaves didn't have it all that bad. The plantation owners took pretty good care of them because they paid good money for them." - My Father-In-Law said that.

Both my husband and I were speechless. I kind of still am.

Alt-Dad
Bee Brave

A few weeks ago, I was stung by a bee in a theme park and the stinger wouldn't come out. I started getting a really bad rash from the venom. The first aid lady laughed at me and said it wasn't coming from the bee sting because, "bees don't have venom!" She refused to give me any tweezers to help get the stinger out because I was "acting like a baby."

Bee Brave
Flatlining

My husband and I were having a party at our house. I am a historian and have tons of old and unique things from around the world. A woman was looking at my collection of maps.

I have a copy of the first map of the world and she asked why the edge was wavy.

I told her the mapmaker knew that the Earth was round and decided to make the edge wavy for accuracy.

"But the Earth is flat." Said the lady.

We are not friends anymore.

Flatlining
Kicking It

I was playing a pick-up soccer match and I said something about scoring a goal directly from a corner kick.

This guy immediately corrects me and says that goals directly from a corner don't count. He was absolutely adamant. He talked about how he's played the sport his whole life and that it doesn't count at any level of the game.

He's completely wrong.

You are not allowed to score directly from a throw-in (someone else has to touch the ball after the guy throws the ball back into play). But you are able to score directly from a corner kick or a goal kick, without anyone else touching it.

Kicking It
Let Me Tell You About Where You're From

My girlfriend, who is from Singapore, was at Universal Studios Orlando. At the park gate, the guy who was scanning tickets asked her where she was from. After she told the guy she was from Singapore, he said, "Singapore's in China, isn't it?"

She said no, it's its own country. But the guy at the gate kept insisting that he knew more about her home country than she did. At the end she gave up. The guy said to her, "Yeah, well, China runs everything down there anyway."

Great customer service.

Let Me Tell You About Where You're From
Just Keep Swimming

I said, "I prefer vacations in more mountainous areas than tropical, since I'm pretty scared of the ocean. Sharks especially."

My sister answers, "Just go somewhere where sharks don't go, like Hawaii. Duh."

Just Keep Swimming
Plurality

I had a teacher once 'correct' my spelling of wolves (plural noun) to wolfs. This was an English teacher, and also the editor of the school paper, for which I was writing. She was the regular English teacher, while I was in AP, so I wasn't familiar enough with her to realize that she was a blithering idiot. She also preferred to spell the plural of elf as elfs rather than elves.

Plurality
Facts Are Facts, People!

My Mother-In-Law is convinced that The Hobbit is a two-book series. I tried to disabuse her of this notion, including showing her Wikipedia and copies of the book available on Amazon. She wouldn't have it. Eventually the argument became heated and we had to "agree to disagree."

I still bring it up sometimes to my wife because it bugs her.

Facts Are Facts, People!

_Source. _

Answers have been edited for clarity.

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