First, some background.
My family is from South Carolina. My dad was an anesthesiologist and we were on vacation in NYC. We were walking through Times Square and got a few of those handout/pamphlet things about the improv comedy clubs in the area. We decided to try one out that was nearby while we had a few hours to kill before a show. So, we go over to this hole-in-the-wall comedy club and have a couple of drinks. The room wasn't very big, with a small stage at the front and maybe 10-12 tables with seating for 40-50 people. There might have been 25 or so people on this night, with a large group of sailors that I assume were on leave.
So, this last comedian comes onto the stage and is really bombing. Nobody is really laughing, and the guy is just resorting to the worse material and calling out people in the audience to get some laughs. My dad thought this was pretty funny, so he's laughing the whole time, and is literally the only person in the room laughing. It was a little awkward, but he has a funny sense of humor, so we weren't surprised. Well, it didn't take long for the comedian to notice he was the only one laughing and direct his attention to my dad. He took a pause and let him laugh at his last joke and stopped to ask him, "What do you do for a living, sir?" As my dad was trying to respond that he was an anesthesiologist, he just got the first part of the word out, and the comedian interrupted him and said, "Wait, what, you're an ana-what?!"
And, in probably his finest moment of witty repartee, he snapped back and said, "No, just like you, I put people to sleep for a living!"
BOOM, the room exploded and everybody was on their feet clapping and laughing. The poor comedian just walked off the stage without saying another word. It was a proud moment for my dad, no doubt.
When I was waiting tables I ran food to a coworker's table. Mind you, this was at a standard family restaurant in the $5-10 per plate range. We had no Michelin Stars. I took the food to the table and set it down, one at a time starting with the hand that held only one plate, as you do.
An eye roll came across the face of one of the men at the table. This man's hair color changed abruptly from brown to reddish around about the equator of his head.
I thought, "Nice hairpiece, pal," to myself.
Then he said, "Next time, why don't you start with the lady and always serve from the left? What kind of place is this?"
To which I smiled, and replied, "I'm sorry sir. I hope you enjoy your meal. Just let your server know when you're ready toupee."
You've never heard such a wonderful speechlessness in your life. His "friends" faces were absolutely priceless. I had just said to him what I deduced from their painfully stifled laughter, what every person this man knows wished they could say, but never had.
I will preface this by saying our house is almost all carpet with only a small area in the kitchen that is a "hard" floor. Therefore when our broom broke we had been either vacuuming or wiping up things by hand in there. (Mostly out of laziness to buy a new broom). Well, my mother-in-law came by one day to watch the little ones and noticed we didn't have a broom so she decided she was going to buy us one.
The next time she comes over there is a new broom leaning against the wall next to the front door. I see it as I'm going to the basement to look for something. My mother-in-law is in our kitchen and my wife walks in and says to my mother-in-law "Why did you bring this broom?" From the basement, without missing a beat I hear her and I yell up, "That's how she got here."
She took it like a champ and she laughed harder than we did.
I have a very large friend, he was recently married. At his bachelor party, he was lying on his back on the floor while the stripper did her show. At one point, she was in the reverse cowgirl position gyrating and would bend low to really shake her butt.
He was trying to get a good view of her shaking and was leaning his head up to see but couldn't since he was so large. I said, "My god man if there has ever been a time in your life to do a sit up, it's now!"
The whole room erupted in laughter, including him. The stripper laughed so hard she even high-fived me in mid-dance.
I am also quite a large man, and this guy is a really good friend. We often jibe each other about our weight, but this was my best burn on him ever.
In my 8th-grade history class, my mostly bald teacher was doing a presentation and asked the class what was missing from a map he had shown. I blurted out "Your hairline!"
He walked over, using his hand he pulled my hair back to make me look bald on top and said, "This is what (my name) will look like at your ten-year class reunion." Everyone laughed and I was a little embarrassed.
Fast forward 14 years to my ten-year class reunion. There were quite a few middle school and high school teachers there giving little speeches and telling memories of our class. My old 8th-grade history teacher came to the mic and said, "Raise your hand if you were in my class with (my name)." About 25-30 people raised their hands. "Anyone notice anything missing from Mr. (My Name)'s hairline?" Everyone died laughing including myself...my half-bald self.
I don't see my brother very often. Once a year, when the two of us are in the same country, we meet in a pub, sink a few pints and make fun of each other. This happened one of those times.
We'd just exhausted our standard array of insults and were knocking our pints back in unison. I finished mine first and my eyes fell on the TV. "Here bro, where's that tenner you owe me?" I said.
"You what?" mugged my brother.
I answered, "That ten quid for the bet you just lost."
"Whatchu on about?" He said, turning to me and giving me a full-on Thames Estuary leer. At this point, the two other guys at the bar and the barmaid were looking on to see where this going.
"I told you," I said, pointing at the current news item on the pub's TV, "That the Spice Girls would get back together before your ex-wife's legs would."
I actually went on a first date with someone I met online who failed to mention she was in a wheelchair missing an arm and a leg. We met for lunch at a decent restaurant and of course, I was taken aback, but she'd had a tough enough life not to have some dude tuck tail and run at the sight of her. So I continued on with the date.
The host walks us to our seat and drops the menus. It was like I almost couldn't stop myself. I said, "Damn, this place costs an arm and a leg. How was your last visit?" She busted up laughing and actually said, "Y'know... you're the first to ever crack a joke about my disability. That was amazing." We actually had a decent time at the place and while I told her it was too much for me in terms of dating, we remained friends even though she initially lied.
I was burned so bad that I was impressed. My girlfriend and I were at a pretty busy sandwich shop and their subs came in sizes of 4, 8, and 12 inches.
My girlfriend to the person taking our order: "How big is the 8-inch sub?"
I chuckle and respond, "It is a standard unit of measurement, what do you mean how big is it? It cannot be any more clear."
She snaps back, "Sorry, I'm used to being lied to about how big 8 inches is and want to see it for myself!" Five people in the back and the roughly ten plus customers in the area all burst out with, "HAHAHAHAHA OUCH!!!"
My sister was trying on really big and tacky high heels as a joke back in middle school. My Mom said, "Take those shoes off, you look like a cheap [lady of the night]."
My sister responded, "Yeah, well it is Take Your Kid to Work Day tomorrow." It actually was Take Your Kid to Work Day the next day. But just the fact she didn't hesitate to call our mom a [Lady Of The Night] was great. My mom didn't even get mad, she just laughed.
Five years ago my son was born. My parents were visiting us when the doctor came in to check up on him before his circumcision. She opened his diaper and said, "Wow, I have a lot to work with here."
Being a wise-cracker, I said, "That's hereditary." To which my dad chimed in, "Yeah, but it skips a generation."
Well done, dad.
I'm a big man, 6'4" and stocky. I work in an office where there happens to be a few really short guys (below 5' tall). It so happens that one day on my way out for lunch, 3 of the particularly shortest guys were standing in the hallway talking. One of them says the usual, "How's it going, BIG GUY?"
Without missing a beat, I replied, "Looks like you guys are one hobbit short of a trip to Mordor."
Got a lot of laughs from them and everyone around.
This happened so quickly that none of us knew who'd been burned. Bob said, "I just finished reading The Idiot by Dostoevsky." So I said, "Isn't that the title of Frank's autobiography?"
Frank answered, "Yeah, well, I wrote my autobiography on my junk if you want to kneel down and read it."
I answered back quickly, "I'm not really into short fiction."
A bunch of British guys, including my friend, were at a conference in Berlin and having a big night out at the bar. They challenge some Germans to a chugging contest. The Germans win and declare,"Ah ha! We have beaten you at your National Pastime!" They are quite pleased with themselves.
"That's all right," my friend replies. "We already beat you twice at yours."
When my (bald) husband and I started living together, he became irritated by how much loose hair there was everywhere. So he said, "Is there anything here NOT covered in hair!?
I answered, "...You?" He tried so hard not to laugh but failed.
I was on a canoe trip with a bunch of people that I didn't know too well. I just tried to paddle hard, and be useful around camp. Anyways, there was one guy there (Brandon) that just wouldn't stop talking. He had a story for everything. One night around the campfire, there was an unusual spell of silence. Everyone is quietly sitting and enjoying the night, and Brandon lets out a big loud sneeze. Everyone kind of stares at him, jokingly asking if he's okay and I'm like, "He's allergic to silence."
Everyone laughed and accepted me into their canoeing group.
My three-year-old son and I were at a grocery store when this one woman walking with her husband decided she would be a jerk. I overheard her talking about how my son looks like a girl with long hair. I responded by telling her to glue her wig in better, then maybe she could pass for one. Surprisingly the husband laughed!
My sister once looked in a mirror and, dissatisfied with her makeup, said, "God I'm ugly." I put my hand on her shoulder and cheerfully said, "Only on the inside!"
I'm a lesbian and was meeting my girlfriend's brother for the first time. He says, "Just so you know, we're a very close family. We share everything around here if you catch my drift."
I responded, "That's great because I've seen your wife and am ready for my shot." Even my girlfriend's dad cracked up at that.
Back during a high school history class, we were watching a show about Hitler's Train Guns, and the guy behind me loudly compared them to his junk, which I replied without skipping a beat, "You mean it's handled by hundreds of sweaty men?" He high-fived me and even the teacher laughed.
I was at a dinner party with a bunch of Ivy-league students, who I normally have no problem with, but this group was really obnoxious. One girl, in particular, would not stop humblebragging about her fashion sense, and how she comes up with ideas that wind up becoming popular a month later. So I said to her, "It's interesting you mention that, because when I first met you I thought to myself, 'You don't really look good now, but you will in a few weeks.'"
Everyone in the room lost it, including the girl. The dinner party was more tolerable after that.
I decided to let my hair grow. It wasn't a good look for me. My balding stepbrother had the nerve to jokingly say., "Nice hair."
I returned, "Just picking up what you drop." Everyone said "ouch" including him.
My friend Dave was a notorious "life of the party" type of dude. He was known for his blue sense of humor and inappropriate behavior.
I showed up sober to a large deck party and he was 2 sheets to the wind, doing his thing. He had a chewed up dog toy he was using as a prop in his shtick. I knew he'd eventually get to me. When it was my turn he went into some bit on how I left my boyfriend on the floor for the dog to play with. I told him the last time I saw that particular bone I was rogering his mom with it and that he should ask her. I timed it well, and about 20 people heard. I think that was the only time I was ever funnier than Dave.
At one job I had a coworker with whom I would trade "yo momma" jokes with. One day he showed up late and I said, "Mike you think you can just show up two hours late? What the heck man?"
He replied, "What can I say, your mom makes a mean breakfast." He won that round.
When I was 13 I used to constantly bicker and argue with this guy in my year. He bullied me for all kinds of things and me frequently mentioning his weight as a retort. One day before Geography class he'd really got me good outside and I'd missed the first ten minutes with a bloody nose. In the class, we were all chatting away, even though the teacher was getting ratty. I piped up, "Sir, what is for lunch today?"
He snapped back, "Ask someone who cares."
I turned around quick as a flash and said, "James what's for lunch?" Everyone loved it, he laughed, the teacher laughed and it sort of broke the ice. We became friends and remain in sporadic contact.