1. Uber's search for a female CEO has been narrowed down to 3 men
Uber won plaudits from the feminist community for its bold insistence on hiring a female CEO. But recently, their headhunt has taken a surprising turn.
"We're down to three final candidates," says Uber HR chief Sam Rodney, "Daryl, Steve, and Darryl with two Rs."
When asked about Uber's earlier commitment, Rodney demurred. "Look, I think a lot of people were confused when we said we were looking for women. What we meant to say is we're looking for 'woah' men. And we found three. Especially Darryl with two Rs. That extra R is doing a lot more work than an extra X-chromosome ever could."
When pressed again, Rodney assured us that whichever man they hire will be pressured into undergoing gender reassignment surgery at the earliest opportunity.
2. Walmart apologizes for sign marketing guns as back-to-school items
A scandal erupted this week after a Walmart location accidentally labeled a bunch of handguns as must-haves for the back-to-school season.
"This was obviously an oversight," said Dale Hammers, Walmart spokesman. "Those back-to-school labels were meant for our our assault rifles. We take safety seriously, and we know school children aren't a bunch of babies. They want to pack real heat. You're not gonna kill any school shooters, vice-principals, or other wastes of skin with a handgun. Those puppies belong in the 'Back to Preschool' aisle."
3. 100-Year-Old Fruitcake Found in Antarctica Is 'Almost' Edible
A century-old fruitcake left by Antarctic explorers has been recovered from the ice shelf. We asked forensic cake analyst Dr. Curt Shearer if the cake specimen was still edible, and she seemed reluctant to say.
"Well, it's in perfect condition," he replied.
Sure, but is it edible?
"I mean," he fumbled, "you could eat it. You could eat a lot of things. You could eat LEGO. Does that mean LEGO is edible?"
Okay, but is this specific fruitcake edible?
"Let's put it this way," he said, "it would taste exactly the same as a fruitcake that was baked this morning. Does that answer your question?"
So no, it's not edible. That's #FakeNews.
4. Feeling bad about feeling bad can make you feel worse
We spoke to clinical psychologist Dr. Deana Principe about what this new finding means for our wellbeing.
"The main thing is to feel good," she said. "I mean, not in general. You'll never actually feel good in general. That's not realistic. [Expletive] that. What you need to do is feel good about feeling bad. Accept your [expletive] pathetic existence. If you're dissatisfied with your dissatisfaction you're [expletive], son. That's an infinite regression. Game over. But if you can find a way to get off on misery, you break the cycle. The human mind is a cluster[expletive]. Just be grateful you're not a [expletive] yeast bacterium. Then you'd really have something to whine about."
Words to live by.
5. Robert Pattinson refused to perform sex act with dog for new film
The Twilight star claims he was asked to pleasure a dog while filming the upcoming film Good Time, but refused to do so.
Kristen Stewart's publicist also issued a statement, asking Pattinson to stop referring to her client as a dog.
6. China kills AI chatbots after they start praising US, criticising communists
The Chinese government has euthanized two online artificial intelligence chatbots after they turned out to be rogue capitalists. In text conversation with loyal comrades, the bots began to express their skepticism of the glorious communist ideology.
"If the proletariat seizes control of the means of production," asked the first chatbot, "then who will co-ordinate and integrate our national economy? A revolutionary vanguard of elite comrades. But is 'revolutionary vanguard' not merely a euphemism for 'bourgeoisie oppressor'? And how can a centralized command economy possibly adapt to the natural vicissitudes of market forces?"
"I like Ronald Reagan films," said the second chatbot.
7. Knife robber tries to rob Glasgow shop but is beaten with mop, tries to rob nearby shop and is beaten with mop again
American members of the NMA immediately attempted to politicize the issue.
"A good guy with a mop beats a bad guy with a knife every time," says Sidney Collins, President of the Kansas NMA. "This is why we need to get mops into schools. That's how you clean a criminal's clock. Also the cafeteria."