1. Woman gets lifetime bus pass for 103rd birthday
A woman in Pinellas County California received a heartwarming gift on her 103rd birthday. Municipal officials granted her a unlimited lifetime bus pass.
When reached for comment, a country spokesman said, "We sincerely hope she enjoys riding free of charge for the next two weeks."
But some in the Pinellas County Republican Association say taxpayers shouldn't be footing the bill for a birthday gift.
"The county simply can't afford this," said Randall Tufts of the PCRA. "A lifetime pass? That could cost us as much as $12. How are we supposed to balance the budget if she lives through Labor Day?"
2. Charlottesville photo: Man shouting angrily at white supremacist rally insists he is not an 'angry racist'
"I'm actually a pretty happy racist," said the man, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "My hate is dappled with gaiety - jubilant, even!"
3. Applebee's Gives Up On Millennials After Failed Rebranding Efforts
Applebee's has undergone an intensive rebranding effort in the last couple years, as they try to appeal to a younger crowd. But recently, CEO Sherrod Hammond has been forced to admit defeat.
"I guess Applebee's just doesn't understand this idiot generation," he said. "They didn't want to order our Harambe Artichoke Chicken Cavatappi or our Three-Cheese Double Crunch Fidget Spinners. They thought our Snapchat filter bathroom mirrors were 'tacky'. No wonder these Philistines still live with their parents and whine about Bernie Sanders."
Mr. Hammond spent three minutes crying into a towel with "#Covfefe" printed on it. "Apparently Applebee's isn't politically correct anymore," he sniffed. "I guess we'll go back to doing what we do best: selling $12 sandwiches to depressed corporate burnouts in booths that smell like suicide."
4. Newbee player Vasilii vows abstinence after saying "indulging in sensual pleasures" hurt his League of Legends performance
An up-and-coming star in the world of professional video gaming has spoken up about a secret struggle that plagues the community: too much sex with women.
"Ever since I became a professional video gamer, ladies are always like, 'We want to take your superior penis. We need your vicious penis lovings,'" said the gamer known as Vasilii. "Sometimes I only play for 12 or 13 hours a day now because I'm breeding."
Another gamer spoke to us anonymously, confirming that Vasilii is not alone. "Gaming is a honey trap," he said. "When I close my eyes at night, all I see are the many real female vaginas that I've been inside. Hundreds. Thousands. At least 9,000. Maybe a million. We all know how vaginas are like, am I right?"
No female gamers were available for comment.
5. Paris Hilton thinks she would have been social figure like Princess Diana if it weren't for sex tape
Hotel heiress and least popular person in 2006 Paris Hilton recently suggested that she could have been like Princess Diana if she hadn't done a sex tape.
"I'm, like, way better than Di," said the spoiled rotten reality TV heel who hasn't been relevant for a decade. "She had a car crash, but like, I am a car crash."
6. In The Event Of A Nuclear Blast, Don't Condition Your Hair
The escalating tensions between the United States and North Korean past weeks have led to a fury of speculation about how humanity could survive a nuclear war. Hair stylist Jenny Fallujah has a piece of practical advice: skip out on hair conditioner in the event of a nuclear apocalypse.
"You're going to want to stick to just shampoo," she told us. "Conditioner will cause radioactive particles to stick to your hair. Also, if you're within the bast radius, you're going to suffer major skin meltage and bone liquefaction, so you're probably going to put more emphasis on finding some ointment."
But there are aesthetic concerns as well. "Once the nuclear winter sets in, fashion will, like, totally change," Jenny said. "In a lawless world of perpetual night, split ends are going to be trendy. You're not going to make any friends in the feral Mad Max underclass of mutant cannibals if your hair shimmers like a golden child from the before-times. Plus bangs will totally make a comeback!"
7. Yes, there really is a world championship for Microsoft Office
Are you a Word artist? Are your spreadsheets lit AF? Is your PowerPoint game on point? Maybe you should consider trying out for the Microsoft Office world championships!
It's an extravaganza of electric talent, a gathering of the real world PC police, if you will. But don't be fooled: there's a dark side to the Office.
"I had to give up that life," said up-and-coming gamer Vasilii, a former gold medalist in the pie chart challenge. "There's just too much sex at that event. It should really be called Microhard. With all the distractions, it's tough to... Excel."