Not safe at all.

This guy was late for his flight so he tipped me to go above the speed limit. Not safe at all in my working environment.

Not safe at all.
At least there wasn't puke in the car.

One night right when I first started driving, I had a woman who was drunk and smelled like vomit get a ride. I kept talking to her to keep her awake and said that if she needed to pull over to tell me. It wasn't a long distance trip but we never made it to the destination. She asked me to pull over because she was going to puke. When I'm pulled over I heard her open the door and get out. Being new to this, I got out to help her, but she was gone. Then I noticed her about three blocks down the street running as fast as she could. She left her shoes in my car and never claimed them.

At least there wasn't puke in the car.
That's a unique regular.

One of my regular pickups was shuttling dancers back and forth from the local gentlemen's club to various hotels. I've had more than one ask if they can change in the car. I've gotten an eyeful more than once.

That's a unique regular.
Ol' Peaches

I only drive during the day and early evening, so mine is pretty safe. I picked up a gal at a club and it turned out she was a dancer. Security walked her out, tucked her into my car, and called her by her stage name, which was Peaches. Her name, at least on the account, was Linda. It was an hour drive, from one end of the city to the other. She didn't say a word, and spent a fair bit of time counting and sorting cash, which looked to be all one dollar bills.

Ol' Peaches
Like lifting a toilet seat.

Just the other night, a passenger pissed in my trunk when he opened it to get his suitcase out. He was so done, he thought it was a urinal.

Like lifting a toilet seat.
That's a safety hazard.

This is 8pm on a Tuesday night. I get a call at a bar near my house and a girl comes out with two dudes. All of them are very belligerent. She gets in the front and they get in the back. They're going to another bar about 15 minutes away. No big deal.

I drive a Kia, which has a pull emergency brake in front of the center console. The girl's arm has somehow gotten underneath the lever. I ask her to move it since we're going 75 and I would prefer not to die. Her friends get super pissed and start saying, "YOU SHOULD GRAB HIS PENIS. THAT'LL SHOW HIM." So she reached over and grabbed it. I would have kicked them out, but we were on the interstate and their destination was right off the next exit anyway. This is the only person I've ever reported to Uber.

My wife thought it was hilarious.

That's a safety hazard.
Well, that is a plot twist.

I picked up this young, overly affectionate couple that spent the entire trip making out in my backseat and telling each other that they loved each other.

I drop off the couple and head on my way to pick up my text fare. I hear a cellphone ring in my backseat, realize it's my previous ride's, and pick up the phone to let them know I have it and I'll come back to drop it off. Turns out it was the guys wife phoning to check in on him while he was on a business trip, which he was thoroughly enjoying with his mistress.

Well, that is a plot twist.
Let's hear it, Barney.

On my first night driving for Uber, I picked up a dude at 2:30am that was finishing up a pub crawl. The dude was dressed in a purple dinosaur onesie and was DONE. He got in and started telling me his entire life story, about how he came out to his parents and moved across the country the next day.

Let's hear it, Barney.

[deleted]

That's only mildly dangerous.

One time, I had an Uber driver tell us it was tequila time, pulled out a bottle and shot glasses and had us all take a shot, her included.

That's only mildly dangerous.
Ain't that something.

I have two stories from my time as an Uber driver:

Two girls taking about how they hooked up with the same guy. Both agreed his penis was too big and he was hurting them by lasting too long.

Two middle aged couples trying to agree to a foursome.

Ain't that something.
Like an odd Santa.

I picked up a few guys that were planning on going to a friend's hotel room to drink. They brought along a garbage bag full of Bud Light. On the way there, they decided to go straight to the bar instead. When we got to the bar they left without the bag full of beers, and when I pointed that out they told me that I could keep it as a tip.

That was 3 weeks ago. I still have a bunch left.

Like an odd Santa.
It's a small world.

My friend is an Uber driver, and he was telling me how this girl peed in his car and how funny yet utterly disgusting it was. I am out driving the following week and this passenger was telling me how she peed in some guy's car the previous week. I was in such fear and she made a comment how I began to drive faster. When we got to her destination and she got out, I told her I knew the driver whose car she peed in.

It's a small world.
He could totally tell.

As a passenger, I got a very discreet over the pants handjob on the way home from a bar with my then girlfriend. As far as I know, he couldn't tell.

He could totally tell.
Don't do it.

After a night of partying, my friend decided she wanted to get her nipples pierced. She did, and experienced what I'm pretty sure is the worst pain of her life thus far. We had a 1am curfew on the ship we were staying on, so we decided to get an Uber back to the ship. The whole ride back she's doing her best not to cry while continually telling our driver, "Don't get your nipples pierced. Don't let anyone you love get their nipples pierced, don't even let your enemies get their nipples pierced. Just don't do it."

Don't do it.
Well, that escalated quickly.

One trip involved a group of college girls who were passing around a "What adult film stars look like without makeup" article around the car that somehow transitioned to asking me for advice on how to have pleasurable anal. Apparently, it was memorable, because a few months later, one of them got back in the car and recognized me immediately from the conversation.

Well, that escalated quickly.
Thanks, man!

A guy rolled down the window and pooped out of it while I was driving about 75 mph. The main problem was it was the middle of a day and a state trooper was behind me. That was an awkward traffic stop to say the least.

Thanks, man!
"Just here to pet your dog"

One night on St Patrick's day, I picked up a drunk man who turned out to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. He gave me his business card and invited me inside his buddy's house to show me his friend's dog. I pet the dog and awkwardly explained to the homeowner who I was and why I was in his house. "Bob wanted me to meet your dog."

The next passenger was a young man who was coming down off of mushrooms. He told me his dreams of becoming a pastry chef. He moved into the city from a rural town because he wanted to be closer to the cross-dressing community.

That's quite the Uber ride.

I once got in an Uber alone after a night of drinking and my driver was kind of sweaty and looked like he just ran or something. When I asked him how his night was he told me that his last fare was a girl who was started making out with him when they got to her place. She starting going down on him in the car and then asked if he wanted to come in.

Needless to say, he was having a better night than I was.

That's quite the Uber ride.
Fifty bucks, eyes forward.

When i went to California, my Uber driver was telling me stories like this:

He told me how a couple late at night got in the back and a minute into the ride he felt a tap on his right shoulder and saw a hand with a fifty dollar bill and heard the words, "Keep your eyes on the road". The woman proceeded to go to town on the man.

Fifty bucks, eyes forward.
This is like the beginning of a horror movie.

I drove Uber for one night. It was pretty tame until I picked up two guys who wanted to go to a club 40 miles away. As they requested an UberSelect fare, I was happy to drive that far ($80-$100.) It took them 15 minutes to get ready and into the car and they seemed cool, so I wasn't worried.

As soon as we got on the freeway, the guy in the passenger seat started asking about Uber driving and things got dark. After a few minutes he started saying stuff like, "What would you do if someone just grabbed the steering wheel and ran the car into the median," and, "Have you ever thought about what would happen if someone in the back seat tried to strangle you while you were driving?" I got a little freaked out and tried to lighten the mood by asking what they were celebrating, but the one guy just kept at it.

I was happy to get to the club and get them the hell out of the car. Bonus was the bouncer at the club gave me $40 for dropping them off there. I never drove Uber again.

This is like the beginning of a horror movie.

Sources: 1, 2, 3

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