Why are women as superficial as I am?

This Facebook nice guy is just looking for the love of a good woman... who hasn't eaten anything recently.

Why are women as superficial as I am?
Too much support and respect to swallow.

Bonus nice guy points for lack of shirt.

Too much support and respect to swallow.
Do the math, bro.

1+1= IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

Do the math, bro.
When the nice runs out...

...the truth will out.

When the nice runs out...
I knew I loved you before I met you.

Literally. I saw someone like your photo on Instagram and then I decided to go all Romeo & Juliet over a complete stranger.

I knew I loved you before I met you.
Step 1: Swear at her. Step 2: Tell her to be more polite.

Step 3: Profit?

Step 1: Swear at her. Step 2: Tell her to be more polite.
Seriously, get in on the ground floor.

Did he mention how down-to-earth he is too?

Seriously, get in on the ground floor.
The gentleman himself.

Nothing like getting publicly eviscerated by a woman you know is already engaged.

The gentleman himself.
"I do have darkness!"

No doubt. You're nothing but darkness. This is like the opening paragraph of a manifesto.

I think *you're* on something, pal.

I mean, why did you want to hook up with her if she's livestock? You really need to up your self-esteem.

I think *you're* on something, pal.
You've got a disability alright.

But it's nothing to do with eating. Did this guy actually think he could use "the law" to scare people into dating him?

You've got a disability alright.
Advice from your friendly neighborhood nice guy.

This guy actually messaged the boyfriend of the girl he's creepily in love with, begging him to make her happy. Next level weird.

Advice from your friendly neighborhood nice guy.
Because why should women do anything?

I guess the real nice guys are in Saudi Arabia. They're so chivalrous they don't even force their women to drive.

Because why should women do anything?
This nice guy gets shut down HARD.

Also, this explains why I never get the job.

This nice guy gets shut down HARD.
Ladies love a good collarbone.

Also listening to you moan about their exes before you've even met.

Ladies love a good collarbone.
Comment of the year.

I guess that makes him just... a guy...

Comment of the year.
I'm leaving. Just you watch.

I mean it. I'm gone. As of now.

This is your last chance.

Goodbye.

Please stop me.

I'm leaving.

I'm leaving. Just you watch.
I feel really sorry that you deserved it.

Good God. This guy is like a real life Phantom of the Opera.

I feel really sorry that you deserved it.
Pizza the action.

Good to know it wasn't out of the kindness of his heart.

Pizza the action.
Mike Tyson is the icing on the cake.

I mean, who's nicer than a guy who pretends to be nice to get what he wants, amirite?

Mike Tyson is the icing on the cake.
"I want to be friends with it." - Ron Burgundy

Does he mean "the black death"? Please be specific.

This 100% happened.

If you doubt one word of this, you're a bad person.

This 100% happened.
All the wrong curves, bro.

Here's another nice guy inserting himself into someone else's relationship by messaging the boyfriend of a woman who does not want him.

All the wrong curves, bro.
No, irony is savage.

But few have realized it.

No, irony is savage.
Just bend over.

Okay, seriously: I'm starting to think the defining trait of these creeps is their inability to detect irony. You can't call her rude and then tell her to bend over and take a picture of her butt with only a comma separating you from your own hypocrisy.

Just bend over.
Threw it on the GROUND.

Yeah, that'll show her how nice you are.

Threw it on the GROUND.
And this proves it.

My irony theory is confirmed. I should do a Dr. Phil type show where I only interview nice guys.

And this proves it.
NOOOOOOOO!

AGH! NO! THE FRIENDSHIP! IT BURNS. IT BURNS!

NOOOOOOOO!
I'll say a lot of really nice things...

...at your funeral after your next boyfriend murders you. Don't say I didn't warn you!

I'll say a lot of really nice things...
This is nice guy ground zero.

The final boss of online dating.

This is nice guy ground zero.
Can you feet the love tonight?

I was just trying to be nice! I saw that you had no friends, so I wove you into my ornately twisted fantasies. Was that wrong?

Can you feet the love tonight?
Nobody descent in the desert.

If you're going to go an an ill-informed rant, at least visit dictionary.com first. This makes it sound like you want a woman to bury you in the Mojave.

Nobody descent in the desert.
My hero.

He's such a good guy, he won't even touch you when you're asleep. Somebody get this man some lovin' on the double!

My hero.
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