I got married 4 years ago. There's this guy at work who's one of THOSE people. The type that keep asking you when you are planning on having a baby once you're married.
Since we didn't really have much in common and he heard i got married, that's the only thing he could come up with to start a conversation. It was just water cooler banter.
I kept telling him "when the time is right"... but he still kept asking me every time i ran into him.
"So, any kids on the way?"
"Hey, expecting any time soon?"
"Any plans on having a baby?"
I got sick of it. One day i just told him "yes, she's pregnant, we're having a boy.".. I figured it would shut him up.
I was so wrong. Jacob is 2 years old now, he started teething, he's said his first word, he keeps us up at night and... he doesn't exist.
I've told my wife about this and she's thinks I'm an idiot. At this point, there's no looking back.
Friend of mine pretended to be left handed to switch his seat in class so he could sit next to this "cute thin blonde girl that smells like strawberries" that was actually left handed. He learned to write left handed and even switched hands for sports. He did this from 9th grade until we graduated. They are still going and he is ambidextrous now.
My parents wanted me to be in "an activity" in high school.
I pretended to be in choir from 9th grade - 12th grade. I even had a choir robe (given to me) that I would dress up in, and actually leave the house whenever there was a choir performance - just finding someplace to hide, usually in an alleyway near my school.
One day, my mom came to see the choir perform. After the show, she said she didn't see me up there singing, but, I swore I was up there, she probably just didn't look hard enough. I also told her my name wasn't in the program because of a misprint. I still can't believe she bought that.
I did end up getting busted though, just before I graduated during a parent-teacher conference. My parents were not happy. They were so angry, that they said they wouldn't even punish me - as this behavior went beyond punishment - and I'd just have to live my life knowing how much I'd let them down. It worked, because, obviously I've never forgotten it.
I failed my MSc (Master of Science) - I really shouldn't have done that particular subject and ended up getting a postgraduate diploma.
I lied and got a job saying I have the masters degree. After we changed which group we belonged to at work my new manager brought me into his office and asked me if I have a masters degree (I assumed I was going to be fired) after he said that I was on the wrong pay grade and then proceeded to tell HR to give me more money. I got a 17% pay rise. For the months between him speaking to me and getting my pay rise my heart sank every time he looked mad at his computer (which he regularly does).
I felt bad because he was a really good manager.
In elementary school I told everyone that I was allergic to bees so that when a bee came near me and I ran away their thought was "it's a life and death situation" not "that guy is afraid of bees"
I moved away in middle school, maybe 4 years later, and didn't retell the lie because I had overcome my fear of bees.
In college I skipped an English class for essentially the full semester. I was stoned for most of college and made bad decisions like this unfortunately often.
While I was skipping, the original instructor had a heart attack and was replaced. Right before finals I went to the replacement and explained that the reason why I was absent for pretty much the entire semester was because I had mono.
She took pity on me and allowed me to write a couple papers to make up for my extended absence and I passed with a C-.
I worked at a Harry Potter exhibit for four months - all the props and costumes from the movies. It was an intense interview/audition process, and the entire thing was conducted in a British accent. To preserve authenticity, we all had to be in accent all the time.
I warmed up my accent at a coffee shop every morning, and one morning the barista got really excited and said, "Where are you from? London? I have family in London!" We got to talking and when I had to leave she said we should hang out. I thought she was cool so we exchanged numbers and then the panic set in. If she called me, she'd hear my American accent on my voicemail and think I was a freak. So I called her.
I got her voicemail. "Heyyyy...oh jeez I'm not actually British, this is my job, blah blah blah." So basically the lie lasted zero minutes. I did not hear back from her.
I was walking down the street a few weeks later and someone waved at me from a street away, turned out it was her, she said she'd gotten my message but her phone had been stolen. She asked me to hang out, read my tarot cards, and I never saw her again.
I expect her face to be the last thing I see before I die.
When I was 15, people in games often asked me if I was a girl, because my way of chatting included a lot of smileys, and just giddiness that is apparently associated with teenage female behavior. It made me feel weird. When I told them I was actually male, sometimes people made some remarks about me being gay/effeminate/whatever.
So I started pretending I was a girl.
I kept that up for years, and always had excuses to not get on ventrilo/teamspeak. I did use a voice changer on Skype a couple of times with one WoW guild, and nobody ever suspected a thing. People treated me like a princess, and that actually made me feel great. In real life, I was an awkward and ugly kid who got bullied on daily basis, and I suppose that pretending to be the absolute opposite of the actual me is what kept me relatively sane throughout those years.
The bad part is that I couldn't break this habit, no matter how hard I tried. The most difficult part is that I had some really close friends online, and I desperately didn't want to lose those. Some friends simultaneously knew the "real" me and the "fake" me, and I was scared that they'd out me to the world if I ever outed myself to them. This was a possibility that scared the crap out of me, and I'm pretty sure it's the main reason why I never pulled the plug on this horrible facade.
I never really stopped doing that until I met my current girlfriend about 1.5 years ago. I could tell she was into me, and luckily I realized that I needed to get a grasp on my reality & sanity if I was gonna keep this girl. I solved the situation by basically having the fake me "ghost" on all "her" friends. At this point I wasn't keeping active contact with most of them anymore anyway, so it luckily wasn't all that challenging.
Meanwhile, I still haven't told my girlfriend about this part of my past, simply because I am so embarrassed about it. While writing about it right now, I still feel like vomiting.
I know I'll have to tell her someday. I just do not know how.
My Asian friend and I have been telling people that we're siblings for four years. I'm white. They believe us.
Remember Tom Green and how he had that bout with testicular cancer? That was a popular topic of discussion during the first half of my freshman year of high school since he hyped it up so much in his show that people actually watched for some reason.
Anyway, I really didn't feel like going to school really ever, so fast forward to Monday the week before Xmas break was gonna start. For some reason, I thought I'd lie and tell my mom that the Tom Green thing had made me paranoid so I gave myself a self-exam and thought I felt a lump... To get out of school... Don't ask me why I didn't just go with a stomach ache or something.
So mom freaks out, calls around a bit and before I know it I'm sitting in a urologist's office. So I figure what the hell, I go through with it, say "oops I was scared", head home and play video games the rest of the day. Turned out though that there was a lump. Mom freaked out some more and the next day we went for for a second opinion. After both doctors basically said they could only guess whether it was benign or malignant and that the only way to be 100% safe or know for sure would be to remove my right nut. I somehow never really got that worried about it since the situation was pretty clear cut, and if it were cancerous the best thing to do would be to remove it anyway.
So in the end it came out that Friday and turned out to be benign so the whole thing was technically for no reason. But yeah, I got the whole week off, making my Xmas break 3+ weeks long so I'd call it a win. Parents still don't know and that was 1999.
My wife and I were at my parents' house helping them organize things in the attic. My wife slipped at one point and stepped right through the bedroom ceiling. I picked her back up and I could hear my parents yelling "What was that? What happened?". She started crying because she's always trying to impress my parents, so I yelled down " I stepped through the ceiling, sorry!" and took the blame. Years later, My family still makes fun of me for the incident. I just look over at my wife and wink.
I once worked at a large store, and walked up to a co-worker to ask a question. I must have startled her, because as I was asking, I noticed a weird look on her face, and suddenly realized that she was peeing herself.
I pretended not to notice, and made some excuse to leave, and came back a little later to see her mopping it up.
I said " Did a customer spill another drink again?" and wandered off.
I told all my coworkers that a customer had spilled soda all over the floor in her department.
My mom didn't actually die of cancer, she died of HIV and I'm the only one of 5 kids (and my aunts) that know the actual truth. i keep telling my sister it's not a good idea to get a cancer ribbon tattoo but she doesn't get why.
The reason why I'm going to community college this year isn't because it's cheaper. It's because I failed out of the well-respected state school that my Asian parents paid $35,000 for last year.
I came up with a lie so I wouldn't have to go to my sister's friend's surprise party. I told her I had some homework to finish up that was due that night. There was no assignment. I just didn't feel like going. My sister came over and said I should at least sign the card. My sister then very strongly suggested that her friend really likes me. So now I do want to go but I already told the lie. So now I back track saying that the assignment was almost done and I could turn it in now for a 90. I go to the party. We hook up 3 days later and I'm still dating her. The annoying part is whenever anyone tells the story of how we got together. They say that I got a lower grade on an assignment so I could see her. I really want to correct it, but there is no graceful way I can think of to do so.
Not me, but my roommate freshman and sophomore years at college was put on academic probation for failing, and lost her full-ride scholarship. She was too afraid to tell her parents, so she started stripping to pay tuition. Last time I talked to her, she never finished college, is still at the strip club, and her parents still think she's a graduate that just can't find a job.
When I was 15 and only had a driver's permit, I feel asleep behind the wheel and rolled the truck I was driving. My mom was asleep in the passenger's side and luckily we were not injured. She ended up telling the cops it was her driving since I would have been impossible to insure when and if I did get my license at 16 years old. It's not really a story that comes up often, but I have always felt terrible that it went on her driving record.
Ever since that accident I've made it a point to be a safe driver and 8 years later have not been in another car wreck (knock on wood).
"Why don't you travel? Or even just go down to the USA for a day trip? Gas is cheaper down there, blah blah"
(I live in Canada just on the other side of the border)
I have to make all kinds of excuses like trying to save money by not going on vacations, not having a passport yet, having prior obligations/plans, stuff like that...
The real reason: I've got a criminal record
That I've never been in a relationship.
Nobody knew I was in one, or would have approved - it was with a much older woman - and it turned out a devastating disaster for both of us.
I had a long boarding accident a year ago and I ended up injuring myself pretty badly. I got tendinitis in my ankle from a previous complication, bursitis in my hip and I needed 8 stitches in my face. My boss would always tell me, "ya know one day you're gonna fall off that thing and seriously injure yourself." So I lied and said I fell while chasing a dog down a hill. Now he kind of pities me and let's me take it easy if my hip starts to act up.
I work as a bar manager, and both my boss and I are military vets. Actually, that's mostly how I got the job. We struck up a conversation and I discussed my time in the service.
Except that my 6-year enlistment ended at around 3 years, 2 months. I didn't go AWOL/UA or drink myself stupid. Mostly, I would oversleep and I was a shithead in my early 20s. Not my finest hour. I left with a General Discharge, so I still had college paid for in Texas, but very few know about this.
I couldn't reveal this, and honestly, the lie has manifested into the status quo - everything I have has been predicated upon a lie. My jobs, my girlfriend (who's a veteran), and even a good amount of friends have no clue.
My girlfriend and I were sitting around visiting with a bunch of friends. She was sitting on my lap and someone else was talking, so no one was looking at us.
All of a sudden I felt my girlfriend "seize up" as she stifle a sneeze. Unfortunately, holding back the sneeze caused her to rip a MASSIVE FART.
The fart was so huge that every head in the room turned towards us with a look of shock and awe on their faces.
I just smiled sheepishly and said, "Excuse me". All the guys cracked up and the girls feigned disgust until the aroma hit their nostrils. It was a RANCID VULGAR odor that cleared everyone out of the room.
The group had a few good laughs and made fun of me for years for that fart.
That's ok, that night (and many nights thereafter) I was amply rewarded for chivalry.
Everyone thinks that when I'm gone all day I'm out looking for a job. Really I'm just doing heroin.
When I was a kid I chased my little brother outside with a spoon. Once we got outside he got on top of our car and started yelling. No clue why I was chasing him with a spoon or why I cared about him yelling. After he wouldn't get down I threw the spoon at him aiming for his stomach. Trying to avoid it he ducked and it hit him in the face right next to his left eye.
After he calmed down I took him back into the house and told my Mom he fell. He was hurt pretty bad, the spoon didn't just barely hit him. It caused permanent damage to that eye that he had to deal with for years. He wasn't blinded or anything but his vision was impaired. He was too young to remember (I'm three years older than him) that it was my fault so he doesn't know it was me.
Not the biggest lie ever cause we were both kids and I didn't do it on purpose but it's still pretty rough to know that I did that to someone.
That I can't smell anything. I told my best friend that in third grade to sound cool. The problem is that He has a photographic memory. I'm trained to never make a comment about smells. My parents even think I can't smell. They paid for a doctor to look at it. The doctor said "Oh sometimes this happens its probably nothing to worry about." Worst doctor ever. I can't get out of it. Ever. I'm stuck.