Context. Context. Context.

My nose was super clogged from a head cold, and I hate blowing my nose in front of my students. I have a closet in the back of the room that I escape to to release some of the pressure. At home, my husband and I joke that when I blow my nose it feels like parts of my brain are coming out too from all the pressure release. One thing lead to another, and I casually mentioned I was heading to the closet to "blow my brains out". The students were understandably concerned.

Context. Context. Context.
This is no time for existentialism.

As a camp counselor I was kind of absentminded when the kids were telling me stories one day. One told me that he had fainted once from heat stroke. While listening I was thinking out loud and said, "what if you actually died that day and we're all actually just waiting in purgatory?"

There was an awkward silence and the boy said, "Ms. Mae, I don't like that."

This is no time for existentialism.
Netflix and chill.

I had a group of lazy AP kids a few years ago and at progress report time, about 2/3 were failing. I read them the riot act explaining that I wouldn't round up their grades at the end of the quarter to a D- just so they'd pass. I kept saying, "I'm not going to just give you the D, you need to earn the D". The kids held out the first two times I said it, but the third they started giggling and I heard it and we all laughed to the point of crying. Ugh. It was worse than the time I said I was going to Netflix and chill with my cat one weekend because I didn't know what that meant yet. I'm a woman in my early 30's.

Netflix and chill.
Could've been much worse.

I'm a PE teacher at an elementary school. We were in the middle of a gymnastics unit and I was demonstrating a forward roll for a 3rd grade class. When I flipped, I saw something pink fly out of my pants leg....it was a pair of my daughters underwear that must have clung to the inside of my pants when I got them out of the dryer. I picked them up before any of them really noticed exactly what they were.

Could've been much worse.
Slap your what now?

I was showing a class of 8th graders how to make something out of clay and as I was demonstrating I said, "Now slap your balls back and forth in your hands."

I mean, I taught middle-schoolers so my embarrassment never lasts, but lordy, did that that turn my face red.

Slap your what now?
Gives good...what?

We were discussing love at first sight as we read Romeo and Juliet in a ninth grade class. I asked them how much looks matter. They agreed looks matter a lot. I meant to say, "You don't normally look across the mall and say, 'Wow, I bet she's got a good personality.'"

I actually said, "You don't normally look across the mall and say, 'Wow, I bet she gives good personality.'"

Clearly not what I should have said.

Gives good...what?
Out of the game!

Most of my embarrassing moments happen when I'm teaching P.E. because I never catch potential sexual innuendos ahead of time while I am teaching.

"Ok, now everyone grab your two balls and hang onto them"

"If you don't put it in right now you are out of the game"

"You can swallow it or spit it out, your choice" (gum)

And on and on. I usually only notice when the class starts giggling, and then I have to pretend that I don't know why they are.

Out of the game!
Drug money.

The most embarrassing thing I said was during student teaching. I used to have a terrible habit of blurting out the same response to certain questions/statements. Things like "YOU'RE dumb" in response to "that's dumb," etc. But I kept it in check while I was in school.

Except this time. One day a kid asked me where my jacket was and I said what I always said when someone asked me where something was- "I sold it for drug money." I felt like an idiot as soon as it came out of my mouth.

I did more embarrassing things but that's probably the most embarrassing thing I said.

Drug money.
The horror...

I'm currently a teacher, but my favorite embarrassing teacher story originates with my cousin, who taught middle school.

She had recently had a baby and was breast feeding, so she pumped at school on her breaks. One day during her planning period, she shut her classroom door and covered the window so she could pump. While she has one of her boobs flopped out of her shirt she felt the urge to fart, so she just let one rip.

That's when she heard a muffled sound from the back of the classroom. She had completely forgotten about one of her male students staying in the room through recess to finish a test.

She said she apologized profusely but the poor boy refused to look her in the eye or speak and he didn't for the rest of the year.

The horror...
That's the homie.

In band rehearsal once, I accidentally passed gas.

One of my tuba players nearby heard it and tooted a low Bb on the tuba, matching pitch. We both just looked at each other and laughed.

That's the homie.
Priorities.

I'm a professor at a university, and 5 minutes ago I let my class go 30 minutes early because I felt a huge fart coming.

Priorities.
Cool kid.

Recently I said "penis" instead of "pieces" while reading Of Mice and Men aloud to a class of 9th grade boys. I work at a Catholic school.

One kid's response was simply, "Niiiiice."

Cool kid.
Elephant in the room.

I had just begun class, freshman comp at a community college, and was going over what the day's plan was. A student walked in a few minutes late, sat down, and pulled out his computer. Upon opening the computer, very loud moaning sounds of porn emanated into the room for approximately three seconds. Once he got it to stop, he shakily said, "I'm sorry."

I stood at the podium and said um and uh a couple of times and then, "Give me just a minute, guys." I sat stood there looking down at the podium, trying to collect my thoughts as calmly as humanly possible, so I could continue class like nothing happened. After around 15 seconds of pure and uncomfortable silence, a kid from the back of the room let out a two-syllable, guttural chuckle.

I lowered my head to behind the podium with my hands still clasping onto it above my head as I bent over and LOST IT. I laughed hysterically and uncontrollably for at least 30 to 45 seconds, emulating Stewie's ridiculous laugh from that episode of Family Guy but with far more wheezing and high-pitched squealing. The entire class started laughing with me as soon as I started.

After I was finally able to collect myself, I apologized to everyone and said I was sorry, and that I had tried so hard to remain composed. Later, when telling this story to other faculty, they agreed that there's no time in pedagogy classes devoted to the appropriate reaction to porn noises being played during class, and that I did the best with what I could by not calling the kid out (I literally didn't make eye contact with him once) or kicking him out of class for something that was embarrassing enough as it was.

Side note: the kid stayed for the entire class. I was impressed.

Elephant in the room.
Classic.

Saying orgasm instead of organism is a timeless classic.

Classic.
That would do it.

Accidentally called a student "mom". The other teachers made fun of me and took my ascot.

That would do it.
Not even the worst?

Not so much embarrassing as confusing and concerning, but while I was student teaching last semester I was on the sidelines as the students were doing a quiz or something and accidentally said "f---" under my breath. A student who was walking by heard me so I started apologizing profusely, to which they responded "That's okay. That's not even the worst thing I've heard you say." I have no idea what I said and they would not give me any other details. I still think about it sometimes.

Not even the worst?
I command you!

First day of school, in my first year teaching, I was sitting on a desk and going over the syllabus. The desk tipped out from under me, resulting in me falling off. I teach high school theater and since it was the first day of class, the kids were dead silent. So I said, "guys.. Laugh! That was hysterical!" and they burst into laughter. What a way to break the ice.

I command you!
Oh my...

Teacher had a smartboard. Was teaching lesson, finished, sat down. Forgot his computer was still hooked up and went to his email, opened a chat, and began to ask whoever it was for ' another hole picture.'

He got fired two years later for something else.

Oh my...
Yikes...

Was reading a story about the Victorian era where the word "corset" was used. Kids didn't know what that was, so I trotted over to the LED projector hooked to my laptop and googled "corset."

Yeah my mind was in the Victorian era, but Google was in Victoria's Secret. All those images--many of them with full nips showing--just got blown up across the wall of my classroom. Annnnnnd that's when the principal walked in for my quarterly evaluation.

Yikes...
Oh lord...

Not a teacher, but I had a teacher who had a night job doing standup. After summer vacation, he was asking everyone what they did on their summer holidays. One kid lived on a farm, and said he had spent the summer breeding horses.

Teach asked if he needed a chair.

Oh lord...
Nasty.

This one's my mom's story. She has a lot of allergies, so for a while she was using a neti pot every morning (one of those new agey things where you rinse your sinuses with salt water). One day during her first period class, I think sophomore Spanish, a kid asks for help with a worksheet. So my mom walks over to his desk, bends over... and water pours out of her nose all over his paper, ruining the sheet. I guess you have to tip your head just right to get all the water out. She hasn't done the neti pot since then.

Nasty.
Only that dank kush.

Once when I was still subbing, I covered a health class for high school freshmen. The teacher had me play a video about the dangers of smoking.

One of the kids asked, "Mister, you ever smoked?"

Without thinking, I said, "Tobacco? No."

Only that dank kush.
It's right there!

Don't remember exactly why, but I had to get a little stern with my class about timeliness. To drive my point home I finished my rant with "the clock is right there" while pointing at the clock on the back wall.

For reasons I'm still not sure of, my tongue just went paralyzed for a split second and it just decided to not pronounce the "L" in clock.... didn't have a whole lot of control of the class for the rest of the day

It's right there!
Waterworks.

When I was a TA in university I used the washroom just before a lab started. Normally, I don't have any issues. This time I let out 2 drops after I zipped up. I also happened to be wearing light blue jeans. There was no way I could dry this in time and it was important I was there on time. There were about 20 first year students and they definitely noticed. I was the TA who peed himself.

Waterworks.
It just gets worse.

I teach college biology. Here's a few examples of embarrassing moments:

A few semesters I also taught PE. One day I packed a pair of translucent yellow gym shorts. I didn't realize they were translucent and showed my leopard print underwear until after teaching an entire step class - one of my students told me after.

Talking about exercise, a student asked me why he shouldn't do the same weight-training routine everyday. I nonchalantly said "you have to let your s--- rest bro".

I tried to make my own egg drop soup using onion soup mix - it gave me horrible gas right before class and I ended up crop dusting my students for nearly the entire period.

I've had a few clothing mishaps. Bra snapped off during biology lab. Taught a class with my dress tucked in to my leggings. Fly was down for an entire hour during a meeting with students. Misaligned shirt buttons a few times.

One of my former students worked at the bar across from my house. She saw me have two different dates on two consecutive nights. And she saw me drunk more often than I'm comfortable admitting.

It just gets worse.
No, please no!

I was not a teacher but a student in college. We were in the middle of an exam in my music class with around 40 students. I was sick at the time but made it to class to take the test. Felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and it was my girlfriend at the time. As I pulled my phone out of my pocket it dropped and text to speech was turned on. The most robotic woman voice started reading the message. She had texted me how she would take care of me and make me feel better, wrapping me up in a blanket. I grab the phone and rip the battery out while the entire class got a good dose of robot cuddly talk. Super embarrassed at the time but quite a funny story to tell in hindsight

No, please no!
Not THOSE balls!

I'm a fourth grade teacher and before winter break my class was making ornaments to take home. They were simple glass balls that we filled with paint. We were starting to clean up and a few boys were still working on the ornaments on the other side of the room. I yelled over to them "(name) and (name) get your balls over here right now!" As soon as I said it I realized my mistake.

Not THOSE balls!
Classic mixup.

I'm not a teacher but this happened to me when doing a presentation in college. Go to type YouTube to find a video used for my presentation, accidentally typed red tube instead. It popped up on the projector in front of 60 of my classmates.

Classic mixup.
My love!

I was chatting to a student while my significant other Facebooked me. I saw his name pop up on my laptop screen. Half listening to the student I replied "yes my love".

I looked up to a horrified 12 year old boy's face.

Also a student brought fake LSD to school to freak her friends out. It was rice paper with stamps on it. I pointed out the fakeness of the LSD by going "nah doesn't look like anything I've... seen?!"

My love!
It won't stop.

I'm not a teacher, I'm a student, but I think this story fits this thread well enough. So two years ago in environmental science class, we were watching a YouTube video about greenhouse gases which is totally normal. However, our teacher was somewhat technologically incompetent and had autoplay turned on and when the video was done she didn't realize another would play. So the video finishes, and she doesn't click out of the page and just talks about what we just watched. However, for some reason the next video that played was called "50 orgasms a day" and of course since we were a bunch of high school underclass men, crowd control was nearly impossible. It was a good day.

It won't stop.
He's a good kid.

I was teaching 6th grade English. I had really needed to fart for the entire class period, and as soon as all the kids were out of the room, I let one rip. Trouble is, I was erasing the board with my back to the room and didn't notice one of my students had stayed in to ask me a question. I know he heard it, but thankfully this was a good kid. He never said a word and we talked about his homework as if that had never happened. I know I must have been bright red during that entire conversation!

He's a good kid.

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