Not so bad in the end.

My first night in Buenos Aires. I'm in a nightclub buying a drink. I hand the bartender local note equivalent in value to about $20. He's saying something in Spanish I don't understand. But I'm thinking one drink can't cost more than $20 so what's his problem?

This incredibly smartly dressed, beautiful woman intervenes. She explains the barman is asking if I have a smaller note because he doesn't have change. No problem. We get to talking. I tell her it's my first night in the city. She says "Oh, you must let me show you around town tomorrow." She puts her business card on the bar and pushes it towards me. It has her name, her number and the fact that she's an English Language Teacher. So in what I think is an incredibly witty, flirtatious comeback I pushed the card back towards her and say "Oh, I don't know. My English is already pretty good." She scoops the card back, says "fine" and walks away.

I remember think "Oh well, at least no one saw that." Then I turned around and my friend is right behind me shaking his like "What a loser." When I told that story to some Argentinians I met later in that trip, they said not to worry. The woman had probably been a con artist targeting foreign tourists. (I'm pretty average looking and she was definitely way out of my league.)

Not so bad in the end.
Cheers.

I flirted with a cute bank teller for weeks before working up the nerve to ask her out. Didn't realize she was super religious, invited her to a Mexican restaurant and ordered two margaritas. When she told me she doesn't drink I said "that's ok. These are uhh... these are both for me!"

She told me I wasn't Christian enough for her and I agreed. And there I sat. Drinking two margaritas alone.

Cheers.
Gotta survive.

We were sitting on my couch watching a movie and she moves closer and closer until she is on my lap. As a joke I start to tickle her and then she starts to tickle me back and then it turns into play wrestling. Right before things switch from play wrestling to making out, we both slip off of the couch and my reflexes kick in so I accidentally move in a way that puts her below me. She slams her head into the hardwood floor. She laughs it off but it killed the mood and we went back to watching the movie.

Gotta survive.
When in doubt, fried chicken.

We were trying to decide where we wanted to eat and i suggested Panda Express. She hesitated before saying no. Then I suggested Asian Buffet, once again no. I got bold and said Benihana. She told me to take her home. She told me later she thought i was being racist because she was half Chinese. I didn't even notice. I ended up getting KFC.

When in doubt, fried chicken.
Highway robbery.

I offered to pay for the bill.. she insisted to pay half. Didn't fight it, but only had a large bill so I pocketed her money and put my bill in. Anyway long story short I did the math wrong and stole 20 bucks from her. She sarcastically said "thank you" and I thought she was being sincere..

Highway robbery.
She wasn't worth it anyways.

I went on a date with a girl I met in an online chatroom to see King Kong at the cinema. I was in my young teens and the ending absolutely shattered me, even though I knew it was coming. I cried. Not a lot, but a couple tears. She noticed and asked incredulously if I was crying. I just nodded and without saying anything further she got up and left. Never returned any of my messages after that.

She wasn't worth it anyways.
This is...what?

I didn't mess up the date. The date was just messed

Met a girl at the local McDonald's after school one day when i was 15. We talked and then exchanged numbers. She asked if I'd go out with her the next day. I thought she was gorgeous, and when she said I should dress up I expected something special.

She took me to her grandma's funeral.

This is...what?
The plot thickens.

I wore a wig for a few months after shaving my head for charity. Went to the ladies room, took it off to straighten it and then walked out without putting it back on.

The plot thickens.
Roller coaster of a story.

This was in high school. She invited me to her house to have dinner with her family, and I didn't know them very well yet. The conversation turned to names we thought were old-fashioned and ugly-sounding. We all threw out a few like Gertrude, Bertha, and Eugene, and then I said something like, "At least that one's not as bad as Deborah!" I used my ugly voice and everything.

Her mom's name is Deborah. Her grandmother was also at the table with us.

We've been married for almost 7 years!

Roller coaster of a story.
Happy ending?

Never kissed a woman before. Date was going well, my charm was 10 outta 10. On the walk home she puts herself in a corner, pulls my tie and starts to french me. I respond by transferring all the spit from my mouth into hers at once. I wasn't ready for that level of kiss and she called me disgusting and stormed off.

It's all good though two weeks later I was transferring all of the spit from my mouth into her birthing caverns. Everything worked out.

Happy ending?
Delicious!

I drove a Volvo from the 60's. The fuel line and filter would get clogged occasionally. On a first date, I pick her up. As we're heading to dinner, the car dies. I pop the hood, knock out the crud in the filter and then have to suck on the fuel line to get it flowing again... I wasn't fast enough and end up with gasoline in my mouth and on my shirt. She was understanding, but needless to say she wasn't impressed with the Techron mouthwash/cologne.

Delicious!
Notice the warning signs?

I hit on the waitress.

I didn't know it was a date. I just thought we were friends going out for dinner. My friend set us up, and they both thought it was a date. Neither of them has talked to me since then--which was around 2003.

...I'm not good with social cues.

Notice the warning signs?
Oh...yikes.

We met at a restaurant to get something to eat and everything was going really well. I invited her to come back to my house for a few drinks but she had had a couple drinks and asked if I could drive because I hadn't started drinking yet and she said let's take your car.

When she went to get into my truck there was my ex's bag of stuff I was returning to her, I tried to move it to the back seat and a bra and hair brush and some other clothes fell out right in front of her.

She took an Uber home.

That was pretty recent actually.

Oh...yikes.
That's one way to find out.

Brought a girl out for sushi and unknowingly ordered baby octopus. Turns out octopus are her favorite living thing.

That's one way to find out.
It wasn't that!

When I was about 20 or so I got a date with a girl who I really liked, she was exactly my type and couldn't believe my luck. We met in a local pub for a few drinks and things were great. I was getting all the good signs with lots of hand touching and the like. An hour of pure bliss went by and I needed a piss. After washing my hands I went to the hand dryer and it didn't work and looked like part of the protective grill was hanging from it. I wanted to dry my hands because I wanted more of the hand holdy stuff. In the single most stupidly brain fart moment of my life I thought "I can fix this!" and put my hand inside the nozzle of the dryer. Obviously I got buzzed by the electric heating element, fell back and cracked my head on the wall. I didn't get knocked out but needed a few minutes to sort my livd out before going back. I didn't have the balls to tell her what had happened; brain fart number two.

I had a banging headache and I wasn't quite right. Not much later she made her excuses and left and turned me down when I asked her for a second date. A year or so later I found out she had told her friend that she really liked me, but I went to the toilet and when I came out I was acting really weird and she "wasn't up for dating someone on drugs".

It wasn't that!
The sleep-terrorist.

Technically wasn't a date, because we just went out as friends but it functioned as one. It was a girl I worked with. I'd been interested in her for a while but we were just friends and that was fine. Still, we hung out a lot and eventually one night we got drinks after work and things escalated. I'll spare you those details.

Fast forward to later that night. We're both asleep at her place. Now, I hadn't been sleeping well all that week partially because of her dragging me out with her. And when I'm sleep deprived, I have very strange dreams and am prone to sleep walking/talking. In my dream I'm walking done this tunnel, like a metro tunnel. I see this girl on the ground crying. She's got no clothes. I ask her what's wrong and she lunges at me. She was a zombie or something. She wraps her corpse arms around me and I throw her off and start yelling. That's what I was seeing. I was fighting for my life.

What had actually happened outside of the dream was she tried to cuddle with me and I responded by freaking out and literally throwing her out of the bed. She screamed and that partially woke me up but I'm still mostly in the dream. She asks me what's wrong and I just start yelling things. Who are you? Where's your clothes? Get away from me!

I woke up fully as she was storming out of the room. She thought I was trying to be a prick, I suppose. If I had a gun at that moment, I would've shot myself. No joke, I felt awful. I thought I blew it. Once I went out and explained what happened she thought it was hilarious and came back. She still gives me crap for it, though.

The sleep-terrorist.
Smooth. So Smooth.

This is actually my brother's messed up date. He asked a beautiful girl to the movies. They arrive a few minutes early. Instead of going in immediately, he leans up against his truck to chat with her a bit. He's telling her a story and casually spinning his keys around his finger, when he accidentally flings the keys into the bushes. They spend the next 30 minutes looking for his keys and they almost miss the movie.

Smooth. So Smooth.
Blew it.

Last December I went to a party organized by a friend. There, I met a girl I had a crush on. Since I am very shy, I got drunk before trying to ask her out for once. I got so drunk that I forgot to do that.

Luckily, in the end SHE asked me out. The dialogue was something along the lines of;

" Hey, Alex, it's been a while since I've known you and I am really into you. Do you want to hang out me and you alone sometimes ? "

" Oh yeah that'd be cool but where the hell is [my friend], he has my damn weed ",and then I walked away to find my weed

Never heard from her again.

Blew it.
...Excuse?

Got hit by a car walking to her apartment.

I bounced off the windshield and was thrown across the intersection. Probably because I was in shock, and in retrospect the driver was drunk, we didn't call the police. Instead, I limped to the girl's apartment. When she answered the door, she was dressed to the nines and ready for a big night. But I had to tell her I couldn't go out because I'd just been hit by a car and probably should go to the hospital.

She looked at me like, "Now I've heard every excuse in the book." I never dated her again.

...Excuse?
Come on, Dad!

Basically I messed it up by having my dad drive us home.

We had gotten to her door step and I had walked her there and I go in for that good night kiss and I land it and my dad shouts "LET'S GO DUDE IT'S 10PM"

I got in the car and didn't talk to my dad for a while after that. I was pretty mad.

Come on, Dad!
Oh...that's awkward.

We order a small snack for our coffee and as it's arriving at the table he pulls out his Nokia phone. Trying to make a lighthearted joke I say "MAN that has got to be the oldest phone I've seen in a while". I really dug it in, trying to break that friendly wall. Well. Turns out it's not a Nokia. It was his insulin pump.

Oh...that's awkward.
From the get-go.

My first Valentine's date in college: this guy asked me out to dinner but didn't drive, so when I picked him up, he said "you're wearing jeans?" with a look of disdain. then he told me we needed to go somewhere cheap because he couldn't contribute much to the meal (I ended up paying). so I guess I messed that date up by letting him get in my car.

From the get-go.
Hold it!

We were watching Suicide Squad. We're making out and I said "Wait Batman's in this part give me a sec". It was more funny than anything.

Hold it!
Gotta love Louis.

This girl's father had just recently passed away so I invited her over to make her dinner and console her. We make dinner and we are talking about stand up comedians and she tells me she's never seen Louis C.K. so I say we need to watch one of his stand-ups. Well I turn on one randomly and the first 25 minutes are dead dad/parent jokes.

Gotta love Louis.
The worst. Just the worst.

One time before a date, maybe due to slight nerves, I had one of those nervous type poops that was very loose and tough to wipe up. Everytime I saw clean paper another tiny turtles head would creep out. Anyway, I ended up over wiping somewhat and turned my starfish a bit red.

Fast forward a couple of hours and there I am at a fairground with the hottest girl I'd ever dated. I was punching above my weight a bit but she was into me (or seemed it) and we'd been hanging out for a few weeks casually. This was the first time we'd officially 'dated'.

She decided she wanted to go onto this spinning cylinder from hell. Literally just a cylinder that spun around so fast you stuck to the walls. Well, once the contraption reached full velocity I began to feel my briefs riding rather violently up my crack and it was agony. I'd obviously been far too rough earlier that evening in an attempt to rid myself of every last winnet and was now paying the price. It felt like someone was forcing a rusty cheese wire between my cheeks.

I was so relieved when the ride stopped. It wasn't long after that we went back to the car. I was driving her back to her place and couldn't believe my luck when she said "how about I just come and crash at your place". Wow.

So an hour or so later after much light fondling, there we are in my bedroom stripping down.

I will never forget the look on her face as I peeled off my white briefs to reveal a gusset of red and brown skid marks the likes of which I'd never before witnessed.

It was hideous. Understandably she recoiled and made the decision that she would rather have a lift home after all as she just remembered she had a dance class in the morning.

It was an awkward drive I can tell you.

The worst. Just the worst.

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