That's a fierce Dad.

This came from a 1st grader who has a parent who is also a teacher (the kid's dad teaches science at the high school):

"Sometimes dad makes me do his homework and shows his class because I'm smarter than them."

Yep. His dad has him do the homework assignments and then he takes them to the high school and yells at his classes because 'if a first-grader can do it, then why can't you?' Asking about that at parent-teacher conferences just about cracked me and my classroom teacher up.

That's a fierce Dad.
That could've been much worse.

I was English tutoring and this 5 year old told me that her dad had a big penis. I was shocked and asked her how did she know, she told me she heard her mom talking about her dad's penis with one of her friends when she came over for coffee. Nosey little thing she is.

That could've been much worse.
The fart family.

Was teaching Sunday school for K-4 when the kids started talking about their family's farting habits after a kid ripped one.

One girl said how her cute older sister had horrid, rancid smelling farts that would go through the whole house. A boy stated that his dad would sneak up on his mom when she was reading and fart right next to her head. The kids were all giggling and I wasn't helping discourage them. So now I giggle every time I see their families at church.

The fart family.
That's a story.

I was the one that blabbed.

In kindergarten my parents went in for a meet the teacher night. My dad told me my teacher was giggling when they were first introduced.

Apparently at sharing time I told the class about how my dad had been on his bicycle and a bee flew up his shorts and stung him on his penis.

That's a story.
Great mysteries indeed.

I was on recess duty sitting with a group of my 2nd graders when one girl starts very seriously telling us about the really mysterious thing that happened to her that weekend.

She was playing in her parents room when she found a toy she didn't recognize. She thought it was so bizarre because it was bumpy and an odd curvy shape and when you push a button it vibrates. Wondering what it could possibly be, she took it into the living room where her parents were entertaining a few friends and held it up asking what it is.

She said, "Everyone laughed but they wouldn't tell me what it was or why they were laughing." She was so genuinely perplexed.

It was all I could do to keep it together and play along. I just scratched my head and said, "Huh, that's so strange, I wonder what it could have been. Who knows. One of life's great mysteries."

Great mysteries indeed.
Yikes...

So I have a student with 2 last names, but he usually only writes one on his papers. I knew this was because his Dad isn't around, so he goes by his Mom's. Not that unusual. Recently a girl in class was talking about how she was a "surprise" for her parents so this kid chimes in with "At least you weren't a 3 minute bar bathroom mistake!"

Yikes...
Unfortunate :(

One of the girls (8th grade) mentioned that she was going to be absent the following day because it was her mom's birthday. The students asked how old she was. Well, after she told them, they were in shock. They suddenly asked my student's age and worked out the math. They found out that her mom was about her daughter's age when she got pregnant. The mom was going to be 29.

Unfortunate :(
Boom. Roasted.

A piano student said his mother would "sing" the scales with him as he played them on the piano - and that her "singing" was so off-key that it would make their dog howl and cover his ears.

Boom. Roasted.
Oh my...

Not a teacher, but my dad had a good relationship with the kindergarten teachers that taught my brother so they shared some good stories.

One of the best was when a police officer came into the classroom one day to talk to the kids and a little girl pointed to his handcuffs and enthusiastically shared "My mommy has those on her night stand!"

Oh my...
Hunting with Dick Cheney?

A gaggle of four year olds somehow got on the topic of guns. A kid said something about them being dangerous and one girl nodded solemnly and said "My daddy got shot in the butt and the doctors couldn't get it back out. That's why I can't slap his butt." I laughed and told her he probably just didn't want her slapping his butt.

When he came to pick her up, she told him the whole story, including that I didn't believe her. He turned bright red and affirmed that he was, in fact, hit with a stray bullet while hunting. When he got to where it hit, the kid pointed to his right ass cheek and gleefully proclaimed "right there!"

I still get a kick outta that one

Hunting with Dick Cheney?
Stress is real.

I was teaching a 14 year old guitar and I told him that if he didn't practice, I wouldn't continue teaching him. He replied with:

"Well, sorry, but I can't practice. I don't need that kind of stress, for God's sake! As if it wasn't bad enough to find out my parents are swingers now you want me to practice?"

Stress is real.
A 'nap', eh?

One time an innocent fifth grader wrote something about being a "good helper." Part of being a "good helper" is babysitting your younger siblings, when your parents want to go to their room for a "nice long nap."

A 'nap', eh?
Technically correct.

I had twin 7th graders who found out that their mom was a very high earning stripper. They were very proud. She told everyone that she was in sales. Yes, she was very beautiful.

Technically correct.
Quite coy of them.

Pre-schoolers blab ALL the time. The worst is kids with bad home lives, where it's not bad enough to do something (you can't call CPS because someone's mommy got her third proposal in her four year old's lifetime and the kid keeps losing dads).

But I also had a kid tell me her dad killed all the koi in their pond once and they made a secret pet store trip so mommy didn't find out.

Quite coy of them.
Bonus points for sharing.

I was babysitting a kid while his mom and dad worked one summer. Every day was something different. One day, the kid takes a small dowel like building toy, (a Tinkertoy for those of you familiar with the toy), puts it in his mouth and takes a hit like he is smoking a joint. He passes is to me, saying "here" like he is holding in the doobie smoke. I ask "what are you doing?" He replies "smoking cigarettes like dad and Uncle Jerry."

Bonus points for sharing.
That's a knowledge bomb.

I once ask my class about what plans they had for Thanksgiving and had a student blurt out "I can't eat Thanksgiving anymore after learning I was conceived during Thanksgiving dinner."

That's a knowledge bomb.
That sucks.

I was an after school teacher.

I had a student who was very excited because her mom's boyfriend was flying in that day. She told me her mom had been dating him on the internet for two years and she finally saved up enough money to pay for a plane ticket.

The next day I asked how everything went. The boyfriend didn't fly out and had been catfishing(my words not the student's)the mom. I would have felt bad for the mom but she was one of those "my child never does anything wrong" types.

That sucks.
'Back massager'.

Worked in a primary school for 4 years. The bus riders all straggled into the gym and were released en masse to breakfast/class. One kid brought his mom's "back massager" in and was giving back massages to his classmates. They all thought it was really cool.

To make it worse, the kid's mom volunteered on the regular. She handled it really well. I would've wanted to dig a hole in the ground and bury myself in it.

'Back massager'.
TIL: MILF

I had a 9th grader look at a picture of Jennifer Anniston and say, "now there's a MILF!" I was shocked and hysterical all at once. Over the next minute events showed he had no idea what it meant. The gang member kiddo in the class, with whom I had not been able to connect with yells, "Dude! It means mother I'd like to f---!" from the far side of the room. The young man is looking around shocked, I'm pointing at my gang kid yelling, "NO", laughing so hard tears are coming. My poor guy comes to me after class and says, "I'm really sorry, Miss. I didn't know what it meant. I just heard my dad say it." I told him to relay the story to his dad. And gang kid and I were bonded the rest of the year.

TIL: MILF
'Growing grass'.

Many moons ago, while in kindergarten, middle child informed his entire class, teacher included that I was growing grass in the house.

I got to meet a very nice social worker and police officer and show them the trays of sod we were growing as a play/snack area for our guinea pigs.

'Growing grass'.
This is awful.

Special education teacher for students with significant cognitive disabilities here with two stories.

First, once a freshman student asked me, "Miss, why does my dad do this all the time?" While making a rapid back and forth motion with his encircled hand and crossing his eyes.

Second, an eighth grader told me that her father told her to never bring a black boyfriend home. Not funny, but it explained so much about my interactions with her parents.

This is awful.
Dang.

From one of my fifth graders: "My mom loves being single. She has a ton of boyfriends." I also hear the occasional "My mom/dad's friend was over when I woke up this morning"

Dang.
Painting it, huh?

Student blurts out "we got a new car...Mum and Dad were up all night painting it."

Painting it, huh?
Called out!

5 year old kid sees his dad at the end of the day and screams across the school playground "hahahaha Dad didn't have any underwear left so he is wearing muuuuum's" while pointing a finger and laughing. Oops.

Called out!
You're not old, yet.

Actually the other way round for me. I found out a little bit about swear words from my 1st grade teacher. When I was told I had to write right-handed, I said "My mommy said if you tell me to do that I should tell you to go away." My teacher said "Did Mommy really say that? That's rude, and a very mean thing to say." I responded with "Yes, but it's not as rude as... (long list of expletives)" Predictably, my teacher was shocked by this. She practically screamed "Why did you just say that!?!" Little 1st grader me just blurted out the truth next, as so many other kids at that age would. "Mommy says the reason why those words are taken out of songs on the radio is because they upset old people. But you're not an old lady yet, Ms Matthews so you shouldn't get mad."

You're not old, yet.
Off to Jenny's!

I had a kindergartener with autism whose dad had a new girlfriend. He came in to school all excited because he was going to Jenny's house (dad's girlfriend) tonight. I asked him where he would sleep, because his dad sometimes forgets to bring him a pillow or blanket when he stays over at the babysitters. He said "I'm sleeping on the couch, and daddy is sleeping in Jenny's bed!" His dad showed up later, and I made sure to tell him how excited my student was for tonight's visit. It was amazingly awkward.

I had a student with severe autism who was minimally verbal. Most of the phrases he spoke were things he heard other people say (echolalia) or songs he listened too. One afternoon, he randomly started saying "Grey Goose, Grey Goose, Grey Goose!" A friend of his family later confirmed that his dad loves Grey Goose.

Off to Jenny's!
You never know what people are doing.

I teach kindergarten in the inner city.

I had a boy who asked if I could come to the club his dad was opening. Told me lots of specific details on how people get in and it's limited. I looked up his dad and I found an article in the newspaper on the dad. He wanted to open a night club in a local area and residents were concerned because he's associated with drugs and a bad crowd.

Our school requires us to conduct home visits to our students. He lived in a really nice house in a not so nice part of town. I go in and there's a giant tv in the corner of the house with 9 frames of different security cameras around the house. Knew it was something drug related.

Just looked him up again, found out he was arrested by the FBI a few months ago for trafficking heroin and cocaine since 2011.

He was really great, involved dad too. Makes me sad.

You never know what people are doing.
Red alert.

My mom briefly worked the behavioural room in a low income small town school. She had a six year old sent to her for standing up during class and yelling "My mommy sucks my daddy's peepee!"

Red alert.
Great parent.

I was teaching a media awareness unit that includes a representations of gender in media component to my older high schoolers a few years ago and the subject of pornography and whether or not it is degrading came up. It's always interesting to see how students feel about it, but one of my more typically boisterous kids is silent, arms folded, looking pissed. His friend who sits next to him says something along the lines of "hurr ain't nothing wrong with a little porny-porn" and reaches over to high-five him, and the kid just deadpans him. After class, the high-fiving kid wants to know why he was left hanging and then finally the other kid sucks his teeth and says "come ON, you know my mom does that stuff" and then goes on to say how he's TERRIFIED to watch any porn featuring women of his ethnicity because he's afraid his mom will be in it, and how he still can't get comfortable watching porn anyway because it's what his mom does.

Turns out that his mom is not only a pornstar, but is one of the biggest names in the industry-- drove a beamer, bought the family a super nice house, was always dressed to the nines (and in an Audrey Hepburn kind of way). She also was one of the BEST parents to have around during school functions because she knew how to organize everything, she made sure her kids had awesome grades, and she was an all-around super pleasant person.

Great parent.
A little white lie.

One of the 5 year old boys I teach said this a month or so back

'My Mum is forty but she told me to say thirty'

A little white lie.

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