It's a natural urge that people indulge in, but sometimes it overrides your better senses and leaves people in...unfortunate circumstances

Below are 30 of the most embarrassing masturbation stories.

Do the math.

I let a girl that I had a crush on use my calculator for a maths test. When she returned it, I noticed she hadn't cleared the calculator... I then proceeded to wank to the equations she put in.

Do the math.
It's a race.

Back in high school a friend and I dropped acid and a few hours later were walking around my neighborhood. I don't even remember how it came up but we both were horny, which is weird for acid (for me at least). We went on opposite sides of the road and found trees to hide behind and both jerked off.

I won.

It's a race.
Through thick 'n thin.

I tore a ligament in my dominant wrist but I don't have enough experience to be using my other hand to masturbate so... pushed my recovery date back two weeks. Was worth it.

Through thick 'n thin.
Not the proudest.

I beat it to this wooden African tribal sculpture of a topless village girl when I was about 12-13 which my mom kept in our living room.

Definitely some of the worst/lowest moments in my fapping history but I turned out surprisingly non weird with regards to any sexual fetishes so I suppose it wasn't too bad.

Not the proudest.
The horror.

Not me, my brother. When he was around 15, before porn was over the internet, he had lots of porn magazines. One day he felt like having the fap of his life, so he laid out all his magazines on the floor and he fapped furiously while walking on top of the magazines and looking at them. That's when grandma opened the door... I really cannot begin to imagine what occurred in her head after that image.

The horror.
Hindsight.

My ex was hot, her mom was hotter, and wore skimpier swimsuits. Girlfriend caught me scoping her mom's thong clad backside while ineffectually hiding a boner. Argument ensued, smoothed things over, then went to bathroom to knock one out. Teenage me was ashamed, 40 year old me gets it.

Hindsight.
Spidey Senses

When I was a teenager I rubbed one out in the middle of a movie theatre, sitting right next to 2 (both male) friends. It was during the 2002 Spiderman movie, right after Kirsten Dunst got caught in the rain....it was just too much for my 13 year old self to handle. I pulled my sweatshirt over my knees, and went at it under the tent it created. The worst part was...I looked to my right while doing it and said to my friend "are you jacking off right now?" as he had his hands in his hoodie pouch.

Spidey Senses
Dodgy as heck.

I was riding my bike home, and I stopped to rub one out on a park bench. It was dark and no possible way anyone saw me, but it was still dodgy as heck.

Dodgy as heck.
R.I.P

To this video, and the pornstar had just died that day and all the comments were saying rip. I finished, then Googled to see if it was real and the shame sank in that I willingly kept going even.

R.I.P
Put it together.

Not me. But when my dad was in the hospital I guess his heart rate monitor went bananas in the middle of night and..no cause was ever found..had an attractive doctor..seemed suspect.

Put it together.
We shall never speak of this.

My dad had a bad habit of bursting into his teenaged son's bedroom without knocking. Normally it was fine cos I could hear him walking down the hallway, but he had his leg amputated and lived his last few years in a wheelchair. Rolling is much quieter than walking...

So, one time I was jerking to porn on my computer, and he burst in right when I was at the point of no return. I just dropped out of my chair and hit the floor. The was a silence for a few seconds then I just heard him roll backwards and quietly close the door. Neither of us ever mentioned it.

We shall never speak of this.
This is the worst.

I used my mums phone to watch porn (already shameful) and while I was climaxing my grandmother called, so I ended up finished to a pic of my gram gram.

This is the worst.
While driving?

I just got out of a 4 year relationship and was having sex with a new girl for the first time since the breakup (it was 2-3 weeks afterwards).

The sex was great and The chick looked better than my ex, but I just couldn't bust a nut.

So I pretend to cum, get dressed and go home....

On my ride home I began to fap while driving to memories of my ex and I having sex.

While driving?
Never again.

It was at an music festival which took place in the woods. I took half a pill of ecstasy and took the other half about 15 minutes later cause I didn't feel anything. Huge mistake. The next 3-4 hours or so I can't recall at all. Next thing I know is me slowly "waking up" from my trip, laying on my back in the woods next to the dance floor. Around me, a group of people laughing and pointing at me. It took me quite a few seconds to realize, I was still stroking my flaccid dick like a madman.

That was the last time I took ecstasy.

Never again.
A new technique.

At my super boring job, I realized I can almost masturbate just by spreading my knees out and back in again in a certain way. I thought only women could get off using only their legs and no hands. But it works pretty well, especially when I'm semi erect.

But it doesn't get me all the way there. So the other day, I jacked it in my car in the large parking lot outside work. Looking at 8 month old nudes (the most recent) sent to me by an old friends-with-benefits of mine. Finished in a tissue paper I stole from the bathroom, put it in the driver's side door pocket.

A new technique.
Dang.

I paid a girl to record herself talking crap about me. I gave her a list of my insecurities and everything. Damn it's painful to watch at any ordinary time but when I'm horny, it's such a turn on.

Dang.
This is a roller coaster.

Once had a random guy message me online about how he'd make me his wonderful little slave girl regardless of whether I wanted it or not... I gave him a piece of my mind, blocked him and then got off to that later in the day.

This is a roller coaster.
For medical reasons.

I got into hospital because of an epileptic seizure. I was there for a week. I was the only person in the room, and I had my own shower.

I couldn't do anything for day 5. My girlfriend visited me every time, and I asked her to flash her boobs to me. She did. That night I went to the shower and I fapped.

For medical reasons.
The struggle is real.

I've fapped to all kinds of weird, messed up porn and fantasies. I'd be embarrassed if people knew, but that's not the worst. My real, least proud fap would be fapping to the fantasy of having a loving girlfriend I'm cuddling and holding in my arms as we fall asleep together.

The struggle is real.
The tension is real.

I work in a hospital and had to do a sort of self defense course. Being one of the only sizeable people in the room, they asked if I would play the attacker role. I got to roleplay choking like 20 cute nurses and jerked one out to it later that shift.

The tension is real.
You can do anything you set your mind to!

I once fapped to a (not hot at all) news anchor and I remember thinking: "If I can fap to this I can fap to anything" like that was something to be proud of.

You can do anything you set your mind to!
This is the worst ever thing.

No one will see this so I won't even bother making a throwaway.

I was going through old family videos when I was about 16. It was mainly just videos of my brother and I being idiots when we were young kids.

Well, one of the tapes was cut short by another recording. It turned out my parents decided to make a sex tape. Instead of turning it off and forgetting it ever happened, I de-clothed and had a great wank.

I then put the videos back in the TV cabinet and never thought about it again. That was until I came home from University a few years later and my parents were telling the story of my brother stumbling along their video and how awkward it was. I just played along and acted like that was the most awkward part of the story.

This is the worst ever thing.
He is always watching...

Church camp, 14 years old. I held out as long as I could because I thought of all places God would be watching, it'd be church camp. Made it 2 days before I snuck out to the bathrooms at 3 am and rubbed out a quickie. Now I'm an atheist, but the shame that followed wasn't worth the fap.

He is always watching...
This sounds difficult.

This happened some ten years ago. It was winter and I had just discovered fapping and needless to say I instantly became a great fap fan. So I was walking down a street at night bordered by houses and I got this idea of fapping while walking. It was winter so I was wearing a jacket. I snuck my right hand in leaving the jacket sleeve empty. At first I was really conscious, making sure nobody noticed. But as I began to advance to the crescendo my hand movement became more and more less subtle and almost stopped walking by the time I finished. I took out my hand put it back in the jacket and began to walk and that's when I noticed a woman in a balcony had been watching me. She shook her head and went back in. I quietly walked away.

This sounds difficult.
Experiment failure.

Was around 14 and just learning about my sexuality and porn and I learnt that an ice cube is supposed to help with the stimulation. So I'm naked under my bed it's midnight and I'm rubbing this ice cube all over my gooch when suddenly the light of my room flips on and I duck under my covers. Normally I don't have much privacy and if I ducked so quickly my mom would think I was hiding my iPod or something (I didn't have a phone then) and pull over the blanket to see. But somehow that night all she did was squint at me and put something on my dresser and tell me that I should be asleep by now. But in that panic my hand had slipped and I accidentally stuffed the entire cube in my vagina and I couldn't fish it out afterwards so I had to lay there and wait for it to melt and that's the story of my first and last experiment in bed along with a supposed bed wetting explanation the next day.

Experiment failure.
Before the smartphones.

I was about 13 years old and got the brilliant idea of quick fap while I was in the bathroom. This was before smartphones so I had to go old school and imagine stuff in my head. While I'm going at it the door suddenly opened up and there's my father...

18 years later and it's still not one of my proudest moment.

Before the smartphones.
Around the world.

I have beat it everywhere you can imagine except on space or on a boat. I have beat it on plane, train, and automobile. I have beat it in a church and a theater, I have beat it in a car in the parking lot at work on break. I accidentally got some nut on my black sweater, and jokingly told my coworkers it was cum and they just laughed. I've beat it in the middle of the forest 50 miles from civilization and I've beat it in school more times than I can count. I've beat it in a carpet cleaning van, and in a jail cell. I've beat it in a hospital. I've beat it every single place I can think of, but my least proudest fap was probably in my grandparents backyard when I was thirteen. It was 2 AM and I was horny as can be and the night was warm. So I upped and went into the backyard and low and behold I found a semi rotten cantaloupe. Pushed some fingers into the melon then roused it with my Richard. Didn't seem too shaming.

Around the world.
This is a disaster.

Got a vasectomy about 6 months ago. Finally time to get tested to see if I was shooting blanks or not. When I left the Drs office after the vasectomy, they told me to call ahead to the lab of my choice to make sure they could run the test, because the sample is time sensitive.

I called around to several labs, none answered. I knew they were open, and there was one that is close to home, so i just drove up there. Lady says they can do the test, and says do you have your sample for the test. I did not, since I wasn't sure if they could do the test or not. So I said, no I will come back with it. Now I have two choices, beat off in their small bathroom in the waiting room with her literally on the other side of the door, or go back home. I decide to go back home.

So i get home and my wife asks why I'm home, and I tell her. The kids were being especially bad that day. I'm in the the bathroom trying to rub one out while she is yelling at the kids, and the kids are hitting each other, etc. Could barely get it done but somehow I did. Didn't enjoy it at all.

This is a disaster.
Cringe.

I was 11, first fap ever. Thought farting would be a turn on. I ended up crapping myself and walking with a pooey butt to the bathroom and didn't jack off for 2 years after that.

Cringe.
It's history now.

Not me but my friend who was visiting Europe saw one of those classical statues with no arms and legs and decided to fap to it later.

It's history now.

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