Instant replay.

I attended a funeral in my hometown for a wheelchair-bound man whose brother had stabbed himt. Their sister was an employee of mine, so I felt that by attending I was lending my support. After a brief eulogy was given for the man, a family member said that the man's nieces were going to do a skit.

Two girls, about 9 or 10 years of age, got up and reenacted the murder, even going so far as one of them stabbing while the other flailed in a chair. It was horrifying and beyond inappropriate. I have never been so speechless in my life.

Instant replay.

-doocurly

Article sources: 1, 2.

Army of one.

I had a friend who was notorious for one-night Craigslist hookups with soldiers from the local army base. When he died, a handful of men in the military, who none of us knew, came to the service. His parents had no idea he was even gay.

Army of one.

-Anonymous

The blame game.

I was at a funeral for a work colleague and her three brothers got into a fistfight during the eulogy. Apparently they all hated each other but loved her and they all blamed the others for her death.

The blame game.

_-ask_me_if_Imlying

Air superiority.

I was working a funeral and burial service in Vermont. The next-of-kin decided to have doves released at the burial site (yes that's a thing). When they were released, a hawk flew out of nowhere and DESTROYED one of the doves. My co-worker and I had to usher ourselves to the hearse because we were laughing so hard.

Air superiority.

-cready802

All the lonely people.

When I was around 10, my great aunt died and I went to her funeral. As somber as funerals are, after a while kids will be kids and my cousins and I started wandering around the funeral home bored out of our skulls.

We happened across a body in a different room in an open casket, but there was no one in there. No signs, no flowers - I'm surprised the lights were even on in there. It was freaky.

My older cousin asked the director what was happening since it looked like that room was storing her like a prop or something. We found out that she had died and some distant relative had paid for the wake out of a sense of obligation since she had no other surviving family. Not one person went to her wake besides my cousins and I. I can't imagine what sort of life she had for things to end up like that

It moved my oldest cousin to tears and she took some of my great aunt's flowers and brought them to the other room so it looked less barren.

All the lonely people.

-negativeyoda

Reception lines.

My second or third cousin died when I was 10 or so. He was a product of the 60s. Charlie was his name.

'Good Time Charlie (Has Got The Blues)' was played at his funeral. His partying buddies did lines off his casket.

And my family wonders why I rarely hang out with them.

Reception lines.

-drumthumper

Rain will make the flowers grow.

Everyone was late for my gran's funeral. There was a meet-up at a pub beforehand, and because nobody had seen each other in years we all lost track of time. She lived to make people happy.

Afterwards everyone came back to my mum's house. One of my gran's lifelong friends (the village nutcase) started threatening people who didn't cry at the funeral with a smashed bottle.

My mum told him to leave, then he just gave everyone at the house a hug, arranged to have drinks with people, said "God bless" and left. I was 8 years old.

Rain will make the flowers grow.

-yourcoldeyes

Holey father.

My boyfriend's grandpa had 10 kids. They're all present. He had been cremated, but the kids decided that they wanted to inter the urn someplace meaningful (I forget where).

They all drive there, and then the men proceed to argue as to how to dig a hole. They all took turns digging and finally got it done. By the time they are finished, under the harsh midday sun, they are all drenched in sweat in their formal wear. Then one brother decides that it is his job to lower the urn as far down the hole as possible, as just dropping it in seemed too undignified.

However, he lowered it too far, because he fell head first in the hole. Only his legs and lower body are sticking up and he can't get out. The other brothers grab his legs to hoist him up. Meanwhile, the women are laughing their heads off.

Holey father.

-hillalilla

Coming clean.

My friend's family is essentially our extended family. His uncle passed away, so we went to the funeral. About halfway through, the pastor asked if anyone would like to say a few words. Some of his co-workers said a few things, and then some woman no one knew got up.

She starts talking about how nice my friend's uncle was, and how she enjoyed working for him (apparently she was his cleaning lady). Then she starts breaking down and saying how they were planning on eloping and how she loved him desperately.

There's a audible gasp. My friend is confused as to what he just heard, his sister has her head in her hands, and their mom says, "what in the absolute heck?"

The woman just walked out of the church. No one knows her name, and as far as I know, the family hasn't been able to contact her.

Coming clean.

-thesublieutenant

There's one in every family.

When my grandmother died, my cousin, who is estranged from the family, showed up to the funeral. She was wearing a see-through black top with a pink lace bra underneath and a very short black skirt. She spent the entire time before the service begging people for money. People tried to ignore her and a few suggested that she leave, but she refused.

During the service, as the priest was talking and everyone was trying to listen, she could be heard whispering near the back of the room, still trying to get money out of people.

Eventually, my Uncle Jack got up from the front, walked back to her, and said, "You are an embarrassment." Then he took her by the arm, and frog-marched her out of the funeral home.

There's one in every family.

-SavageWolf1977

If you're not, then I am.

One time, a man ran into a funeral and told everyone that they are going to hell. He got thrown out. Then the power went out roughly five minutes later. Turns out he climbed the telephone pole out back and was swinging on the wires. He got electrocuted, fell 40 feet, and somehow lived.

If you're not, then I am.

_-You_knowit

Is there a Dr. in the House?

My sister's boyfriend killed himself. My sister and I look very alike. At the funeral a woman came up to me (mistaking me for her) and grasped my hands in both of hers. "I'm so sorry for your loss - your father looks like Dr. House." She said it all in one breath. Later, at the ash scattering, she threw a bunch of ashes. 10 minutes later was eating a panini in the cafe and she had never washed her hands in between.

Is there a Dr. in the House?

-wewakeful

Fight to the death.

In college, I volunteered at an inner-city ministry. It was basically a glorified daycare for kids from the projects.

Several of us college students were asked to attend a funeral. 6 total. A group of 4 went ahead of us and me and my friend rode separately. My friend and I got lost on the way and showed up a bit late.

As we are walking up the stairs of this massive church, people start running out of the church doors screaming and crying. A huge group of people in flashy suits, bright dresses, and big hats came flooding down the stairs. My friend and I just look at each other and start searching for our friends.

Basically, during the funeral, a fight broke out near the front and they actually knocked the casket over. I'm told the kid fell out. All hell broke loose. I did not see this part happen. However, the other 4 college students were near the front when it happened. It was awful and just a crazy experience overall.

Fight to the death.

-attawnnc

Lazarus?

My grandfather was an identical twin. When gramps and our family walked into his brother's funeral, it became very clear, very quickly, that not all of the friends of the deceased knew this.

Lazarus?

_-runtotheriver _

Fortunate son.

The joke my uncle made at my Dad's funeral qualifies.

He walks in to make a speech, and the first thing he said was: "Well, I've waited 52 years to say this, but I am now the number one son!"

It was horrible, but one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

Fortunate son.

-Animosus5

Happy deathday.

My grandpa's funeral happened to take place on my birthday.

I wasn't too bitter about the date.

...That is until my aunt announced in the middle of the funeral that we should all sing happy birthday to me.

So to lay it all out: dead grandpa in the room, everybody standing around teary eyed, funeral choir just finished, and now everybody is being led by my crazy aunt in the most confused and out-of-place rendition of "happy birthday" of all time.

Happy deathday.

-FadeCrimson

Metaphor the love of God.

My friend's aunt had a stillborn baby, so he and his wife attended the funeral. The parents planned to release a bunch of butterflies from a box as a spiritual symbol of sorts, but forgot to poke holes in the box beforehand. There was absolute stunned silence as the parents dumped a box of dead butterflies on the floor.

Metaphor the love of God.

-tostadatostada

Clowning around.

My childhood best friend died earlier this year. We lost touch in our teens, and he apparently changed a lot in the intervening 15-20 years. He got into the party life and ended up with a serious chemical dependency problem.

The funeral home did a slideshow of his life. Every single photo showed him messed up on something or other, or wearing juggalo makeup.

When his mom gave his eulogy, she proclaimed herself "a juggalo in his honor."

Clowning around.

-ElectricCharlie

Dad came back.

My (completely estranged) father showed up twenty years after swearing he'd never see any of his family ever again, at my grandfather's funeral.

He then asked me to step into the hall with him, during my grandfather's benediction prayer, where it turned out he had asked the funeral director to remove me from the property.

The family had no idea this had happened until ten minutes later, at which point, everyone left the funeral in disgust. While they did their best to console me, my father took advantage of the lack of people around my grandmother, and tried to talk her into signing the family properties into his name. She broke her hand slapping him.

Dad came back.

-ElitistRobot

Pass!

My boyfriend's stepbrother had a infant that died. At the funeral, they passed the baby around like it was still alive. Most people held it, and basically the whole duration of the funeral it was out of its coffin.

I don't think you're supposed to pass it around like a photo album.

Pass!

-theknack4misfortune

Crime of the century.

My aunt stole the money intended for my grandmother's headstone (her own mother) and ran away with it before the funeral, so my grandmother just had a wooden cross marking her grave. No one in my family has seen or heard from my aunt since.

Crime of the century.

-youhairslut

Who's got beef?

I showed up at the cemetery and there was a cow standing in the grave. We had to wait for them to get a winch and take the cow out before my great uncle could go in.

Who's got beef?

-_Sandor17 _

It's an 'ussie.'

When my grandmother died, a 14-year-old cousin took duckface selfies with her in her open casket and posted captions to her facebook akin to: "Two hours getting my hair done and grammie still looks better than me."

Just gross.

It's an 'ussie.'

-TheOldOak

What did I win?

At my grandfather's funeral, a friend of my mother's came over to her, hugged her and said: "Congratulations! Congratulations! I am so happy for you" in a very very sad voice.

This friend fell from his balcony a few months earlier and didn't recover completely, so he always mixed up words or expressions.

What did I win?

-_Milkncookie _

Coming attractions.

My family friend's mother was lowered into the grave by machine, while everyone watched. The machine broke, the coffin tilted on an angle, and she rolled out.

My other family friend who was filming, decided now would be a good time for a close up. He tried to charge the family for the video costs. He is no a longer a friend.

Coming attractions.

-kibus

Ashes to ashes.

A lonely but rich client of my lawyer friend wanted to have his ashes sprinkled over Sydney Harbour.

The lawyer had spent months trying to get official permission - without success.

One Friday night, a few of them decided to catch the Manly ferry, say a few solemn words and tip the contents of the urn (that had been sitting in their office for months) into the harbour.

The wind caught the ashes and blew them all up over the passengers on the top deck.

Ashes to ashes.

-Damocles2010

Dental records.

My dad died in a motorcycle accident. My aunt (his sister) showed up carrying a tooth. She had gone to the crash site and dug around for two hours to find one of my dad's teeth. She showed it to many people at his funeral, making everyone super uncomfortable.

Dental records.

-bombinabirdcage

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