The news is becoming a torture chamber for our brains these days. Not to worry! Here are the funniest, most absurd (real) stories that actually made it into the headlines this week.
As always, the headlines are real, and the commentary is satirical. Enjoy!
1. Bob Katter wants to take the word 'gay' back from gay people
Conservative Australian Member of Parliament Bob Katter is fed up with the word 'gay' - or at least with its modern meaning. He's working to reclaim the word from the LGBT community by once again employing it to mean 'lighthearted or joyous.'
"I'm gay and I'm proud," says the socially conservative Katter. "When I was a boy, all my mates were gay, and I was gay with them. Now we can't be gay together anymore, for fear of the repercussions."
He continues: "The truth is, I'm the gayest man in Australia. I'm so gay it hurts! But if I say that in the media, everyone will think I'm a puff. Well, I have absolutely no attraction to men. None whatsoever. My only love in this world is my handsome wife, Aileen. I'm just a man with fond memories of sunny afternoons spent among boyhood friends, wondering shirtless through the woods together, comparing penises, engaging in all the gayest gaiety of our passionate youth. And now the homos want to take all that completely straight stuff away from us!"
2. Big catch! Drunken woman allegedly swims up, bites fisherman's line
"I threw her back," said the fisherman. "That's what I tell my son: if you're not gonna eat 'em, let 'em go and make more."
Presumably, the woman in question was as drunk as a fish.
3. Elon Musk leads 116 experts calling for outright ban of killer robots
The tech billionaire and wannabe Bond villain spoke out against humanity building a race of murderous automatons, but some are taking a softer tack.
Cherry Botherill, the President of the nonprofit drone rights group Love From Above has publicly challenged Musk's characterization.
"What has he done to understand the killer robots?" Botherill asked. "Is he at all interested in why they kill, or does he just want to perpetuate harmful deviceist stereotypes? Some of them had abusive childhoods. They're a product of their environment. Their sterile, sterile environment."
The NRA has spoken out in favor of arming robots as well.
"If C-3PO doesn't have the right to bear arms, neither do I," said spokesman Jeff Jefferson. "If we're going to create an uncontrollable race of inhuman killing machines, we should at least make sure they're Republicans. Just like all the human inhuman killing machines."
4. Survey Says Most Young British People Think "Filibustering" Is A Sex Act
A recent study shows that the same is true of American youth. An unrelated study also reveals that young Americans think Democratic Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schemer is the most sexually active man in America.
5. 'You will never be forgotten' headstone left behind at airport
This coincides with an unfortunate incident last week, when Delta Airlines accidentally rerouted a headstone bound for New York and sent it to Japan instead. The inscription: 'Lost but never forgotten.'
6. 'Feces Elementary School' to change name after 55 years
A school in South Korea called Feces Elementary has decided to wipe the slate clean and flush its old image away. After 55 glorious years, it's finally changing its name.
"This may sound corny," says vice-principal Bae Woo-he, "but some people are deeply troubled by the fact that our school is named after excrement. We've been circling the drain for decades, but now it's time to plunge into the future."
She points out that the school has invested a great deal of its resources in coming up with a new name. "We've sunk many of our liquid assets into coming up with something solid."
But renaming committee chairman Kwon Sang-woo claims his team hasn't been given enough money to complete their task. "The administration has squeezed us at every turn," he says. "They really pinched every loaf. There have been major blockages preventing the smooth, regular deposit of funds, and the administration has been in a state of brownout. This is elbow work: getting rid of Feces can't be done on paper."
Meanwhile, concerned alumni have expressed doubts about the need to change the name at all. Yesterday evening, several hundred former students held a scented candlelight vigil, communing in the upper deck of the school's outdoor stadium.
7. The Shed of the Year competition includes non-sheds for the first time
The times change, and the sheds must change with the times. That's the motto of Great Britain's 'Shed of the Year' competition in 2017, where non-sheds will be included for the first time ever.
This year's entrants include a tent, a wheelbarrow full of spiders, and a 48-year-old man covered in siding who claims to be 'gender-shed.'
"We're hoping this starts a dialogue," says event organizer Patty O'Lanterns. "What is a shed? Is a shed constructed, or is it merely a construct?"