1. Joel Osteen Says He Didn't Open His Church for Shelter From Harvey Because Nobody Asked Him To
Megachurch pastor Joel Osteen has come under fire for failing to open the doors of his Texas ministry to flood victims.
"Well heck," he said in an interview aboard his private jet, "nobody asked me to! I mean, I heard people screaming outside - or gurgling, I guess - but I thought they were just screaming for iced cream. Heck, I scream for iced cream. Praise the Lord!"
When asked whether or not God told him to open his church to those in need, Osteen demurred.
"Shoot no!" he said. "And I had quite a back and forth with him on Snapchat the other night. I was snapping so much it sounded like West Side Story in here.
"But he did say he wants everyone to read my latest book Think Better, Live Better: A Victorious Life Begins in Your Mind," Osteen added between gulps of carbonated panda blood. "Available wherever fine religious literature is sold."
2. Police: Mom fires gun found at mall to see if it was real
An Indianapolis mom is out on bail tonight, after firing a gun she found at the mall because she believed it may have been a fake.
"I should have learned my lesson after the last time," she said. "When I found weed in my son's room, I smoked it all to make sure it was real and then forgot to ground him. It was good [expletive]," she added. "Real primo [expletive]."
3. Seattle Times apologizes for not knowing where Alabama, Mississippi are located
The Seattle Times has apologized for one of their Hurricane Harvey graphics, which skipped over the state of Mississippi and moved Alabama adjacent to Louisiana.
"Yeah, it's pretty bad that we can't find Alabama or Mississippi on a map," said editor Tanya Greenock, "but then again, most people in Alabama and Mississippi can't find themselves on a map."
In fact, a recent Gallup poll bears that out. When asked what state they live in, 76% of Mississippi and Alabama residents answered "despair."
4. Child porn defendant claims he did not know he was looking at underage pictures because he is blind, court hears
A British man facing charges of accessing child pornography offered an airtight defence defence this week, and definitely deserves to be acquitted.
"I didn't know the actors were underage," he told the magistrate. "I'm blind, so I couldn't gauge their age. I'm just an innocent blind man who turned on his computer, typed in his password, watched the famous silent film Birth of a Nation, went to an adult site, clicked "yes, I am 18 years old", and then saw nothing at all!"
5. The super rich are injecting blood from teenagers to gain 'immortality'
Super rich heath fanatics who want to live forever have found a new way to pursue that goal; they're literally bleeding millenials dry. By injecting the plasma of the young into their (varicose) veins, these blue bloods hope to find their own fountain of youth.
But this process isn't without its downside.
Deborah Lee Paterno has been taking elective blood transfusions for nearly 20 years, and she says the that the quality of the blood has declined significantly over that time.
"The blood today," she intones disparagingly, "it's so soft. And it's lazy! My heart has to work twice as hard just to pump it through my veins."
"This young blood wants something for nothing," chimes in another patient. "Back in my day, blood knew its place. It paid its dues. It ran uphill both ways. Now every little clot has its own Facebook page, and everything is all about 'me, me, me.'"
6. Residents Afraid to Leave Home as Wild Turkeys Overrun Stamford Neighborhood: Reports
Stamford, N.Y. has been overrun by a small army of wild turkeys, forcing residents to remain indoors for fear of their safety.
President Trump wasted no time in condemning the "terrible violence" on "many sides", pointing out that "there are some very good turkeys in Stamford, okay? Some very good turkeys. The lying media says they're all 'wild' turkeys. Not all 'wild.' Not all 'wild.' Some are very good. Some turkeys love Trump. There are terrible turkeys on both sides."
7. Grizzly bears go vegetarian due to climate change, choosing berries over salmon
The exception being creepy uncle bears, who overwhelmingly continue to insist that climate change is a hoax cooked up by the Chinese. Well, I guess there's one in every family.