1. Library Asks People To Stop Paying Fines With Chuck E. Cheese Tokens
"For the last time," said exasperated librarian Megan Fairchild, "we accept bitcoin, cocaine, or MasterCard, but definitely not Chuck E. [expletive] Cheese tokens. And no Discover cards either. Punks."
2. Wisconsin sends 17,000 pounds of cheese to Houston
In a touching display of generosity, the state of Wisconsin has chipped in 17,000 pounds of cheese for the survivors of Houston's tragic flooding.
"Cheese is what Wisconsin is best-known for," said the state's governor, Scott Walker. "If every region of this great nation sends its most famous export to Houston, the people there will be alright."
In response to Gov. Walker's call, other states are now sending their most treasured possessions to the beleaguered people of Texas. Missouri, for example, sent 17,000 pounds of freshly cooked meth, while New Jersey sent Chris Christie.
3. Candidate for Charlotte mayor puts 'white' among qualifications
Kimberley Paige Barnette, who is running for mayor of Charlotte, drew criticism this week for listing the fact that she's white as one of her positive traits.
"I'm a hard worker," her website said. "Policy experience. 20 years of community service. Friendly. White. Good hair."
Barnett was forced to amend her list of qualifications in the wake of all the backlash, however. Her website now describes her as "a county music fan who enjoys chardonnay and spray-tanning."
4. Far-right German candidate promises to get rid of Arabic numerals
An Alt-right German political figure has proposed eliminating modern numbers because they're known as "arabic" numerals - despite the fact that they were actually devised by Hindu mathematicians in India.
"It makes a lot of sense when you think about it," says German conservative commentator Margarethe Gerte. "We can just use Roman numerals. The advantages are obvious! I can count on my V fingers the positive arguments for keeping the jihadi numbers. After all, what's more convenient? Dividing 7,512 by 36, or dividing MMMMMMMDXII by XXXVI? Just don't forget to carry the D!"
5. Letting kids sleep in could save U.S. $9 billion a year, study finds
These numbers come from a study by the child-funded lobbying group BackPAC. The study also concluded that moving bedtimes back by an hour would reduce America's carbon emissions by 1.3 million tons a year, and that eating Count Chocula at least twice a week reduces your chances of contracting lupus by 112%.
6. World Clown Association Complains The Movie 'IT' Is Hurting Real Clowns
The World Clown Association, a real organization that exists, has expressed outrage at the way the remake of the Stephen King classic "It".
"This movie has badly hurt our interests," says the association spokesman known as Bozo. "How are we supposed to lure children into the sewers now? One of the tricks of the trade has essentially become a trope at this point."
Bozo went on to describe the film as the worst thing to happen to the clowning community since John Wayne Gacy.
7. Plastic surgery addict left with permanent erection after botched nose job
"Well," he conceded, "I guess they had to put all that excess cartilage somewhere."