1. Oysters Can Get Herpes, And It's Killing Them

The world may be your oyster, but if that oyster has herpes, you may want to throw it back. The World Mollusc Federation is warning that herpes outbreaks are reaching epidemic levels in our oceans.

"People should probably stop having unprotected sex with oysters at this point," says WMF Chair Linda Harding. "It was perfectly fine and natural before, but now you're putting yourself and them at risk. I know it doesn't feel as good to have sex with a calcified bivalve when you're wearing a condom, but it's time for us to have a frank, adult discussion about safe beastiality."

When we asked which species is being hit the hardest by this herpes wave, Harding told us it was the bearded clam.

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2. Toronto man 'angry' after learning his $8,100 master's degree that required no exams or academic work is fake

"I thought all you had to do to earn a master's degree was wear thick-rimmed glasses and make some Facebook posts about how everything is sexist," said the man. "But apparently, there's no such thing as the College of International Waters. Thank god I did my bachelor's degree at Trump University. It's something to fall back on."

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3. NC mom invents a spray she says will attract any Bigfoot within a mile and a half

North Carolinian Allie Megan Webb has invented a spray she claims will attract Bigfoots (Bigfeet?).

"If you're looking for one of them suckers, I got what ails ya," said Webb. "This here body sauce is like crack cocaine for them Chewbacca [expletives]."

Asked why anyone would _want _to attract large feral sasquatches, Webb did not equivocate.

"I'm looking for love!" she said indignantly. "Slather some of this on yer haunches and you'll be [yikes] a big, hairy [gross] in no time. You know what they say: Bigfoot, big [come on]."

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4. Champion Race Dog Tests Positive For Cocaine

An Irish greyhound named Colbrien Hero has received a lifetime ban from dog racing after testing positive for cocaine.

"Sad day for me," said Colbrien through an interpreter. "What can I say? I like the nose candy. My father was a drug dog; this is how I rebel. Guess it's back to Wall Street. I'll land on all fours. I always do."

Editor's note: It's cats who always land on all fours, not dogs. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

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5. The government turns to Waffle House when tracking emergencies

Many Americans were shocked this week, when it was leaked that FEMA actually partners with Waffle House, but FEMA Deputy Director Ross Jones assured us it makes perfect sense.

"When you analyze it, many of America's worst travesties have occurred at Waffle House," Jones said. "Stabbings, overdoses, the invention of the glory hole. We're pretty sure hurricanes are God's way of punishing America for the All-Star Breakfast. And the hepatitis in the maple syrup."

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6. Zach Braff Discovered He's Being Used To Advertise Erection Pills In Ukraine

The Scrubs star was surprised to learn that he's a marketing hit in the world of Ukrainian boner pills, but he's not planning to take any legal action.

"I mean, my face gets me hard," Braff said, "so why shouldn't it have the same effect on everyone else? Besides, I'm not the worst person taking over Ukraine right now."

Vladimir Putin was not available for comment.

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7. CIA to release huge cache of classified Osama Bin Laden files - except his 'pornography stash'

The US Senate has been broadly supportive of releasing the documents to the public. The lone dissenting voice is Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex.), who is lobbying for the release of the porn stash as well.

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