1. White people are really confident that things are getting better for black people
A recent study from Yale University suggests that wealthy white people are comfortable with the plight of blacks in America.
One of those surveyed, 22-year-old trust fund beneficiary Skylar Tweedly, explained why he thinks black people have it okay. "People keep saying black guys are, like, getting shot all the time or whatever. But look at all the super successful black guys. What about Biggie and Tupac? You don't hear them complaining."
Biggie and Tupac were not available for comment.
2. Conservative guest on CNN: the 2 things I believe in are "the First Amendment and boobs"
Conservative talking head Clay Travis surprised a CNN panel with this unprompted confession live on air.
"I may have gotten a D in civics," Travis said, "but I got a double-D in Phys Ed if you catch my drift."
Travis went on the propose what he called "The 69th Amendment." It was exactly what it sounds like.
3. Ryanair tries to appease passengers with list of flights cancelled until Thursday
Ryanair, Europe's worst airline by reputation, attempted to calm its passengers by cancelling 2,000 flights this week in a novel customer service strategy.
"Ryanair wants to give its customers the best experience possible," said an airline spokesman. "This week, we decided the best way to do that was to stay on the ground. Think about it: if you never get on the plane, how can anything go wrong?"
Flyers generally saw this new tactic as an improvement. "Look at me," said stranded passenger Alain Gouthier. "I'm not crammed in a tiny seat between someone who hasn't showered in a month and a crying baby. Nobody has vomited on me. Sure, I live in the airport now, but at least there's room to spread out on the floor. And nobody has called me a [expletive] for ordering a second ginger ale! Thank you, Ryanair!"
4. Interior Dept. gets arcade game 'Big Buck Hunter Pro'
Apparently, this new purchase, installed in the cafeteria, is part of the department's effort to focus more on hunting and fishing.
In a parallel move, the Department of Housing and Urban Development has installed SimCity3000 on all their computers, in an effort to improve their urban planning decisions.
5. Dead mobster's last confession: 'Tom Cruise is not gay'
Late mobster Johnny Fratto wanted to make one thing very clear to his biographer before he died: Tom Cruise is not gay.
Fratto helped train Cruise for his role in the 1986 film _The Color Of Money _and spent plenty of time with the superstar in that capacity. Fratto left a detailed note about Cruise's sexuality before he passed.
"A lot of people think Tom's gay," he wrote. "That's [expletive]. Is it gay to be a member of the Paul Lynde Fan Club? If so, I guess I'm a [slur] too."
His commentary got even more suspicious. "A lot of people say 'Tom Cruise likes to take guys to his hotel room and have sex and drink rosé. Totally false. It was a condo, and we had moscato."
6. Death Wish Coffee recalls cold brew cans due to potentially deadly toxin concerns
"We're so sorry," read a statement from Death Wish CEO Kat Finnegan. "We're sorry for giving you what you wanted."
7. Death of Queensland's largest crocodile in 30 years could spark violent power grab
Chaos in Australia, as the death of the continent's largest crocodile, the 5.2 meter kingpin known as Chompers, has created a power vacuum at the top of the food chain.
Chompers had been President of the Crocodiles since he seized power in a bloody 1986 coup. Now, candidates are popping up to replace him.
Reptilian nominees include Biter, 4.8 meters long, who is promising free college; Toothy, 4.9 meters long, who has pledged to "figuratively drain the swamp"; and Hillary Clinton, 1.6 meters, who simply says it's "her turn."