1. Mike Pence warns U.S. heading for Canada-style health care if Graham-Cassidy bill fails

Pence had some strong words for those who opposed the latest Republican effort to repeal and replace Obamacare.

"Boy, I tell ya," said Pence, "if we're not careful, we might end up living in a country where people just sort of get the healthcare they need. Like the People's Socialist Republic of Canadastan, where everyone has coverage. All they do all day is keep people alive! Is that what you want?"

Source.

2. Alberta police dog accidentally fires handgun found after parking lot fight

As the Canadian NRA often says, "Guns don't kill people; dogs with guns kill people."

Source.

3. Mystery as man found dead next to pet snake

A UK man was found dead next to his pet snake in a classic whodunit.

"The victim showed signs of strangulation," said a spokesman for Scotland Yard. "Fortunately, the boa constrictor was unharmed. I'll be honest with you - we have no leads at this time."

Some are linking this crime to a similar case from two weeks ago, in which a zookeeper was found strangled to death in the reptile house of the local zoo.

"That victim showed signs of strangulation too," said one detective. "We think we may have a serial killer on our hands. We're calling him 'the human killer'. Or 'the man who kills other men.' I dunno. We're still workshopping it."

Source.

4. Lingerie Football League declares they stand for the national anthem

The Legends Football League, the only professional football league with a champagne room, has issued a statement announcing that their players will proudly stand for the national anthem.

"If there's one thing our league stands for, it's dignity," said communications director Candi Lockhart. "Dignity for the flag, and dignity for the players. Besides, we only take a knee if a fan throws us a twenty. Rules are rules."

Source.

5. Kushner registered as male voter, board says, correcting error

Sources inside the White House speculate that the newest of the 9,000 established human genders may simply be 'Jared Kushner.'

Others note that the President is happier than he's been in months, since "lesbian Ivanka" is one of his go-to fantasies.

Source.

6. Saudi Arabia accidentally prints textbook showing Yoda sitting next to the king

The oversight was immediately denounced by the textbook distributor.

"We sincerely apologize to the people of Saudi Arabia and their monarch," said a spokesman. "We meant to picture His Majesty seated next to Emperor Palpatine, who has expressed support for Saudi Arabia's human rights record with women and the LGBT community."

Source.

7. Hurricane victims call sex hotline after FEMA mistakenly tweets wrong number

FEMA has apologized to hurricane victims after accidentally tweeting a phone sex number instead of the number for the emergency hotline.

"We know it's been tough for the people of Texas and Florida," said a FEMA official. "We certainly didn't mean to make things any harder or wetter than they already are."

But some flood victims were grateful for the mix-up.

"Doesn't bother me none," said Jed Tulles, 54, of Daytona. "Unlike with the emergency hotline, this time I actually got through to an operator."

Source.

Comments

More From Clipd

The Hamster in the Walls The Hamster in the Walls
People Share What Their Significant Other Does That Makes Their Heart Skip A Beat People Share What Their Significant Other Does That Makes Their Heart Skip A Beat
True Spooky Stories To Tell In The Dark True Spooky Stories To Tell In The Dark
Witnesses Share The Dumbest Crime That Instantly Got Someone Caught Witnesses Share The Dumbest Crime That Instantly Got Someone Caught
Former Students Share The Weird Rule They Had To Follow In School Former Students Share The Weird Rule They Had To Follow In School
People Share The Dumbest Argument They've Ever Had With Someone People Share The Dumbest Argument They've Ever Had With Someone
People Raised By 'Helicopter Parents' Share Their Most Embarrassing Stories People Raised By 'Helicopter Parents' Share Their Most Embarrassing Stories
Tattoo Artists Share The Worst Experience They've Had With A Customer Tattoo Artists Share The Worst Experience They've Had With A Customer
People Share The Most Awkward Moment They've Had With A Stranger People Share The Most Awkward Moment They've Had With A Stranger

Popular Articles

She Never Questioned Where He Went, Until Her Friend Pointed Out Something Fishy She Never Questioned Where He Went, Until Her Friend Pointed Out Something Fishy
Lawyers Reveal The Most Unexpected Thing They've Seen In A Client's Will Lawyers Reveal The Most Unexpected Thing They've Seen In A Client's Will