My friend was teaching an improv class to first graders at camp and asked them to name some "every day activities." First two examples: "Getting divorced!" and "Resuscitating someone after drowning!"
One time in fourth grade a couple police officers came into the classroom to teach the kids about illegal substances as part of the D.A.R.E. program. For some reason, they brought in a bunch of paraphernalia to show kids what kind of things to avoid. An officer held up a piece and goes, "This here is a crack pipe." Then one of the kids shouted out, "Hey, my dad has one of those!"
Thinking he was making a mistake, one of the students said, "Ryan, do you want your dad to get in trouble!?"
Our 2nd grade teacher had her class say something about their family. One of the little boys described the details of his parents swinging lifestyle with another family in the town who had a few kids of their own. He was blissfully ignorant of exactly what he was describing.
Apparently out of the 5 kids total between the families, no one is really sure who is who's father. So they all are the other family's 'half brothers and sisters'.
After revealing all of this to the class his 'half-sister' who is in the same class says, "You weren't supposed to tell anyone!".
A kindergarten teacher I know once had a student who drew a picture of himself and his father hunting deer. His stick figure had a flashlight, and his father had a gun. He had the teacher write at the bottom, "I hold the flashlight while my daddy shoots the deer." For those of you who don't live in Appalachia, shining a flashlight in a deer's eyes immobilizes them and is illegal.
When my son was 3 he told me he wanted to ride a lesbian. I about pissed myself laughing. For the record, he wanted to say "limousine."
I'm a counsellor at a summer camp. One kid was playing in the mud. When we asked him to stop, he stood up, and smeared it on his face, like battle paint. He proceeds to shout, "MY DADDY SAYS IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU LOOK NICE AS LONG AS YOU LOOK LIKE A BOSS." The kid was seven.
I had a child tell me that his mom and dad both like to play dress up at home. The description of their 'costumes' made it quite clear that this was private time dress up.
It made for a few interesting interactions with the parents throughout the year.
My little brother is a very articulate and mature little boy. When he was five, his teacher was telling the class about her dog, who she had to put down. A little later the kids were cutting out pictures from magazines for some project, when my brother walked over to the teacher with a picture of a wine glass he had cut out. He handed it to her, saying, "Sorry about your dog."
My little brother once went to nursery and told his teachers about how his dad acts at home. To demonstrate, he pretended to drink from a bottle, loudly said, "Glug, glug, glug" then fell over backward. My stepdad isn't at all an alcoholic and hardly ever drinks at all, especially not at home.
These boy and girl twins my mum used to babysit for were playing together in one of those kiddie car things. They were maybe 4 or 5, and suddenly she shouts at him while he's inside the car, "YOU'RE DRIVING IT WRONG, WOMAN!!!!" I'm guessing she picked up the exact phrase from her dad.
The funniest and slightly sad one that occurred was when I was teaching first grade. One of the little girls in my class (who was absolutely sweet and adorable) got picked up by her dad and his girlfriend. The two adults were doing some serious snogging outside (arse grabbing included) in full view of my class. I went up to them and asked them politely to knock it off. The daughter then says out loud, "But Miss A, at least they aren't naked this time!"
When I was about 3 or 4 years old, my dad would take me to class with him. He was enrolled in a graduate program in psychology. I'd sit at or under the desks and color. One day, they were discussing spanking. My dad announced to the class, "I don't spank my daughter." From the back of the room, little me sing-songed, "OH YES YOU DO!"
(Truth is, he had done it a couple of times in my life, but did not resort to that as a rule.)
He tells this story in all of the psych classes he now teaches.
Once in 5th grade at the YMCA after-school program, a 1st grader (girl) came from the side of me and grabbed my junk as I was talking with a friend. A counsellor witnessed this, told her she was wrong and asked why she did that. The little girl said, "That's what my mommy does to my daddy before he goes to work."
We were talking about the difference between men and women, men having junk and women don't... you get the picture. That one boy goes, "My mum has one, too!"
We said, "Oh no sweetie, she doesn't," but he insists and it starts becoming uncomfortable. After a while he says, "My mum HAS one, only it is not attached to her body, she keeps it in the drawer by the bed."
Kids-logic is so precious.
From my wife's Pre-K class: "That's daddy's new girlfriend. Mommy says she's a slug."
"Mommy had to miss my camp recital because she was getting surgery to make her more skinny."
"My mommy is 41. My daddy used to be 43, but then he had an operation to become younger, so I don't know how old he is anymore....."
I had to leave the room because I was laughing so much.
The parents were divorced, the father had just gotten a new 25-year-old girlfriend and had (bad) plastic surgery.....
I'm not a teacher, but this is actually a story about me which my mother loves to tell people.
When I was very young, about four, a woman cut the queue after my mother and I had been waiting for a good bit of time (it was a doctor's office, so the queue was pretty long). Having been raised with manners, I tapped the lady on the back and said we were meant to be in front of her because we were waiting. She got snotty with my mother and I got annoyed, telling her that my mother was a smart lady. When she asked how she was so smart, I proudly exclaimed, 'She can take her teeth out to brush them!'
Nobody talks trash about my momma, not now, not then.
One of my preschoolers once told me that her mom had a wound on her leg. I asked if her mom had fallen down or something but the kid said: "No, my mom was sitting naked and moving on my dad's lap in shower and blood was dripping from her to the shower floor..." I had a hard time controlling my poker face every time I saw her parents after that. Nice people.
In 4th grade, my mom and teacher were talking about an upcoming class trip, one of those that lasts like 3 days, and she was asking what she needed to pack for me and he says the usual stuff. And then my mother decides to try to be funny and say, "And lots of underwear, you know how moms love to pack underwear" to which I responded, "But mommy you don't wear any underwear" my mom practically ran out of there!
Former Catholic school teacher here. The first grade teacher at the school I taught at was a nun, Sister Katherine. She had a particularly naughty little girl in her class one year, prone to tantrums, trouble following directions, hitting others and herself, throwing fits and the like.
Apparently, after refusing an instruction given to her and being threatened to call her father, the little girl announced to Sister Katherine with a devilish grin that, "My daddy says he'd LOVE to see you in a bikini."
I was just at a quickly put together wedding last weekend. The niece was passing out bubbles.
She'd say, "Instead of throwing things at the bride, we're going to blow bubbles at her."
A friend commented that it wouldn't be very nice to throw the bubbles at the bride, it might give her bruises.
The niece replied, "The groom has already given her bruises."
When I was 4 or 5 I went to spend the weekend at my grandmother's house.
One thing my grandmother and I did every day was have a "cocktail" (what my grandmother calls grape juice mixed with ginger-ale) and lay down for a nap together on the couch. Apparently, I had no idea what a cocktail really was, so the next day when I went to daycare, we were sitting in a circle saying what we did on the weekend. My innocent 4 or 5-year-old self told the daycare workers that I had a cocktail with my grandmother and then we laid down for a long nap.
I'm not a teacher, but this daycare that my cousin's daughter used to go to put together this cookbook to sell as a fundraiser. It was all the kids' favorite recipes; not written down and brought from home but in their own words. A bunch of the recipes had steps like, "Then you put it in the microwave because Mommy doesn't like to use the oven" or "Then you play in your room until it's time to eat because Mommy doesn't like to be bothered when her friends are over." They were pretty funny.
I'm sure my parents must have hated me as a kid. Somehow I interpreted my mom smoking cigarettes as her doing illegal substances, which I communicated to my teachers. She was not impressed.
Then there was the time we had to write a little fact sheet about our family. Including favorite foods. The only food I could at that age recall my father getting excited about was this thing his hunter friend brought to work. It was a type of animal he had never eaten before. Beaver. So as a kid I told my teachers and my class my father's favorite food was beaver.
My mom used to make wine and keep it in the pantry while it was sitting or fermenting or whatever it is that wine does. Anyway, she was in the pantry syphoning the wine from one container to the next. The phone rings and I answer it. From the pantry my mom hears me say, "My mom's in the pantry drinking wine, she can't come to the phone."
A second grade class was planting a tree for Arbor Day. They do it every year with the help of a landscaper. He lets them each take a shovel and move dirt to the tree, so they all have a part in the actual planting. One kid says matter-of-factly, "I've done this before." All proud of himself. The landscaper nods along and says, "Oh, really?"
The kid goes, "YEA, WHEN WE BURIED MY DOG!" Still with a proud attitude. The landscaper replies, "Well, I hope this is more fun." The kid agrees. Not the most revealing conversation a kid would have, but I still got a chuckle from it.
My mom is a Bible teacher at an all-boys elementary school so you can imagine the types of "prayer requests" she gets. One little boy asked to pray for his mama. When my mom asked why he said, "Well I think she has a man's private parts." My mom couldn't contain her laughter when he said, "I know because I saw it."
Since her school is full of well-off kids, she gets a lot of prayer requests of kids' moms having surgery. Then my mom sees their moms weeks later with a larger chest or a smaller nose in carpool line...
For Mother's day, she had the boys draw a picture of something nice they could do for their mothers. One little boy drew a picture of his mom in bed with a tray of food. My mom said, "Now what is going on in this picture, what's that on the tray?" The kid said, "That's me bringing my mom waffles and wine for breakfast in bed. Waffles are her favorite food and she LOVES wine."
One day all the boys got to share a song they knew with the class. Since it was bible class, most sang a church song. But one kindergartner said, "My mommy and daddy love this song. It goes like this...'red solo cup, I fill you up, let's have a party....'"
I've told her she needs to write a book!
I was 15 or 16 and teaching the 2 and 3-year-olds at church. It was Easter and one little boy comes in crying up a storm. Nothing that my friend and I do can console him. About halfway through, he stops and just sniffles. At the end when the parents come and pick them up, he sees his dad and starts crying again, telling his dad that he doesn't want anything to do with him. His mom comes and gets him, and my friend and I tell her about her son. She was trying SO HARD not to laugh and told us why.
The boy's dad hit a rabbit on the way to church this morning, and the boy started to cry, thinking it was the Easter Bunny.
(Points have been edited for clarity)