"My mom is probably missing the part of her brain that processes things related to logic and numbers. Early this month, I was in China. I told her that since I was a day ahead, I already knew the outcome of the US midterm elections. She begged me to tell her; I told her that the socialists win.
After, she seemed dubious and I confessed that I was pranking her. She responded with, 'Okay, okay, who really wins?!'"
"My parents and I were wandering around Pisa, Italy and couldn't find the tourist area. My mom was frustrated and yelling at us, 'Why don't you just ask someone, they all speak English here.' To my horror, she grabbed a passing man's arm and demanded sharply, 'Can you tell us which way the Eiffel Tower is?'
Without missing a beat, this man looked around, pointed in a direction and said, 'About a thousand miles that way.'"
"A family member called me to check in. How's it going? Good, you? Nah, my chest hurts and I don't feel well. What happened? He tells me, 'Well, I was working on electrical equipment in the house and removed the fuse instead of turning off the house electrical mains so the burglar alarm didn't go off. After I was done, I was leaning on the metal kitchen sink whilst reinserting the fuse into the fuse box and got a shock.'
I asked, 'When did you do this?'
He said, 'Oh, ten minutes ago.'
Yup, he took 240 V up one arm, across his chest, and down the other arm into the plumbing. The only reason he is here today is because his arms were bent and the jolt made him push himself across the room. We also have the morons who installed a kitchen sink and a fuse box in the same location.
So my family member got dinner, bed, and breakfast in the hospital, with statements about luck and don't do it again etc. One month later, I had to physically restrain him from attempting to fix his old-school cathode ray TV set. He had the back off, it was turned on, and he was about to start tapping individual components to see which one had a dodgy connection. His tool of choice was a 50-year-old metal screwdriver with a wooden handle, the kind where the metal rod goes right through to a flat bolt on the back. He got mad at me for stopping him and explained that whilst I may have a Ph.D. in physics, he has a degree from the university of life and ranted at me for about 15 minutes before finally agreeing to go buy a flatscreen TV, which would pay for itself in electricity whilst also keeping him on planet earth for a few more years.
For Christmas that year, I got him rubber gloves rated at 10 kV."
"My family and I were watching a program on TLC about cavemen. There were actors dressed up like cavemen doing cavemen things as the narrator explained the scientific theory around what they thought their lives were like. My 16-year-old sister was just in awe watching this, mouth slightly open, eyes open wide. During a commercial break, she asked the room, 'How did they get the cameras back there?' The moment she said it, she knew she said something stupid. She tried to backpedal but the damage was already done.
We will never let her forget that she said that."
"My ex was in the process of getting her GED, so I drove her to the exam.
She finished the test and got back in the car. I asked her how it went and she was confident she did not do well. Further conversation led to this statement:
Her: 'So like, they asked me all these government questions. They wanted to know this weird stupid question on who the 6th President was.'
Me: 'Did you know the answer?'
Her: 'I couldn't answer it, they must have made a mistake.'
Me: 'How so?'
Her: 'Well, we've only had three presidents! Trump, Obama, and Bush.'
I was lost for words after that one. On the way home, we had a long talk on how America works. We didn't last long after that, she ended up cheating on me multiple times and was generally a bad human."
"My cousin's 5-year-old son asked if he could have a soda. It was his second or third soda of the day. She responded that he couldn't have his requested Dr. Pepper but, he could have an orange soda 'because it's healthier for him.'
I stood there dumbfounded. I couldn't bring myself to ask her if she thought that orange soda was made from oranges. Mostly because I don't want to believe I'm related to that stock."
"My mom used to stop and stare at the sun because she read somewhere online that it would 'feed' you in a mystical way. I really had to put a stop to it after we were driving home and she pulled over with my friend in the back so she could stare at the sun. I guess she didn't do it for very long/much because she didn't go blind.
Don't get me wrong I love my mom to death, but, come on."
"Once at dinner with my grandma, she said she wished she knew where she could buy eggnog. When my mom pointed out that it was just a Christmas drink, she replied, with full confidence, 'It's Christmas somewhere!'
When pressed on the matter, she told us, 'You know, because of time zones...'"
"There was a super obviously fake and badly acted news report about UFO's aired on Fox as an advertisement for the original Independence Day. The acting was horrible. Our local Fox affiliate did not even have news at the time. This was during prime time or close to it. I was watching for any more information about the movie which I was looking forward to. I was around 16. My sister, around 20, was also in the room. My mom called to check on us from work and I heard my sister's half of the conversation.
'Yes. Uh huh. We ate. Yeah. Well... we're watching this news report and there are huge UFOs over major cities!' I was laughing so hard I couldn't even get out the words to correct her."
"A girl I used to date was convinced that used cars came with insurance. We went out to look at cars for her one weekend and on the way to the first lot, it came up in conversation. She absolutely did not believe me to the point that it was almost an argument. The salesman told her the same thing, so she demanded we go to another dealership. We visited four dealerships that day and all of them told her the same thing.
The relationship didn't last much longer, but earlier this year she was pulled over and arrested for a litany of offenses including driving while wasted, but surprise! She had no auto insurance."
"My family went on a road trip with my cousin and his family. We took two cars and would regularly switch up the seating arrangement. At one point of the trip, my cousin was in the car with my parents and me while his dad was driving the other car. The dads decided to drive at 100km/h to make sure we stayed together. But, after three hours or so my uncle was 50-60 kilometers behind us. My dad was like I thought we decided to maintain a 100km/h.
I kid you not, my cousin says, with a straight face, 'My dad's car is only half the horsepower of this car so 100km/h is much slower in that car versus this car.' My parents and I burst out laughing. The worst part is this guy was nearly 20."
"My ex was helping her son with his geography homework. I was folding towels on the couch. She said to me, 'Hey honey, we're trying to label his map of the United States and I can't remember where Jamaica goes.'
I laughed pretty hard for about 20 seconds. Then she looked at me and asked, 'What's so funny?'
We broke up shortly after that because she announced that she would no longer eat chicken wings after she found out they actually came from a chicken!"
"I was going to the mall once with my girlfriend at the time and her family (her mom and grandmother). Her grandma is in her 60's or so and this took place just a few years ago.
We were talking on the ride there. Her grandma was talking about something from her childhood. My girlfriend just pipes up, 'Did they have cars back then?' She was being serious. We all laughed, even the grandma who just took it as a joke.
She claims she was just really tired that morning and didn't think too much before saying it."
"We were driving through Florida this year on our way home from vacation. In the car, it was me, my boyfriend, his papaw, and his brother's girlfriend who we'll call C. So I'm laying in the back seat with my eyes closed. Then, I heard C start babbling away, talking papaw's ear off in the front seat, fine cool whatever. I open my eyes and it was clearly going to storm as the sky was pitch black. You could see rain in the distance so papaw said, 'Looks like a bad storm coming.'
C looked at him, dead serious, and asked, 'Really? How can you tell?' Of course, papaw thought she was joking. When she didn't laugh or say anything else, he looked at her like she was the biggest idiot ever and that was when he knew she was in fact serious."
"My ex and I were at a card shop because I collect hockey cards. I was buying some old packs from the 90s that day. They also had those packs that had pieces of gum in them- again, from the 80s or 90s. She INSISTED on trying the piece of gum, even though the shop owners and I told her not to. She then proceeded to tell us how horrible it tasted. We were all like: 'yeah, we warned you."
"My mother once years ago said, 'Cats are cold-blooded because they like to lay in the sun.'
We immediately said, 'What? No! Did you go to school?'
4 or 5 months ago, she doubled down on this stating the exact thing for the exact reason. I told her, 'Are you cold blooded because you like to sunbathe?'
She still thinks cats are cold-blooded."
"Before going on a road trip with my wife and in-laws, she asked me to put Netflix on our tablet so we could watch it on the way. So, I downloaded the app the night before. After about an hour on the road, she grabbed the tablet and tried watching Netflix, but couldn't connect.
She shot me a look and said, 'I thought you said you put Netflix on this tablet!' Now, I figured maybe her parents had a mobile hotspot or some other way to connect to the internet and that's why she wanted the app. But no, she meant she wanted me to put ALL of Netflix on our 32GB tablet."
"I was in the supermarket with my girlfriend. I learned that she was convinced that buying grated cheese is more economical than buying a block of cheese because 'grating cheese mixes with air so you lose most of the cheese.'
It took me several minutes to comprehend that she literally thought grating cheese somehow magically makes most of it literally disappear never to return. That was our one and only big supermarket fight."
"My best friend growing up was a mix of Italian and Mexican, so he had naturally dark skin, even more so in the summer. One afternoon we were in my backyard and my mom asked him, 'Nick, do you get darker in the summertime?'
He responded with a mix of confusion and lingering mystery in his voice, 'No but y'know it's weird, the undersides of my arms actually get lighter.' We've never let him forget."
"I have a few great ones involving me and my older sister. One day, we were sitting in our living room and I convinced her that different states of the U.S. require you to go to the airport to do an exchange for that state's currency. Skip ahead a year and she was going to Florida for spring break. Her and her friends drove down there from Indiana. When they got to Florida, she told them they had to go to the airport so she could get the blue dollars Florida uses instead of the ones she got in Indiana because they aren't valid in Florida. They drove her to the airport to keep the joke going. After about an hour, she realized me and my boyfriend were just messing with her.
Another time, the same sister was watching a TV show about volcanoes. My boyfriend and I convinced her that lava is so cold it burns you. She actually told her biology teacher that before she realized it was just another joke we pulled on her."
Clipd is a magnet for the most outrageously viral content on the web!