"I Try To Wake Her Up, Then..."

I went home with a random girl, did our thing, and went to sleep like normal.

I woke up at 7am and tried to wake her up. She starts to stir, then has a full-on seizure right on my bed. She was out of it for a good while afterwards, but luckily my coworker gets seizures, so I knew what to do. Unfortunately, since I knew nothing about her medical history, I had to call her mom to see if she'd ever had a seizure before. Turns out she hadn't, so I had to take her to the local hospital where I had to explain, in front of her parents and her sister, that, no, I'm not her boyfriend, and no, she couldn't dress herself, etc. The worst part, though, was when I was leaving. While she was all out of it, she had told me her dad's name was Jack, so I called him Jack all morning. Turns out his name was Zack.

Kues / Shutterstock

I Woke Up In The Middle Of The Night To Her Yelling...

I went home with a girl, we were fooling around for a while, then we fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to her yelling, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!" Apparently, I had either a blacked-out moment or was sleepwalking. Either way, I was peeing on her bedroom floor. I promptly cut it off, ran to the bathroom and finished my business before going back in to help her clean up the mess, totally speechless.

The next morning her alarm went off and she said, "I am going to take a shower and go to work. You should get ready too." I put on my clothes and left before she got out of the shower and haven't talked to her since.

I Woke Up In The Middle Of The Night To Her Yelling...

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"...Miss Galore?"

I went to the kitchen in just my underwear to grab a glass of water. I opened the fridge and peeked inside only to hear a familiar voice behind me say, "Miss Galore?" I covered up as best I could with the rag hanging from the fridge handle and slowly turned around. It was one of my pre-school students. I've only met his mom because his parents were separated and he only spends some weekends with his dad. He was hungry and I ended up making him some pancakes.

Prostock-studio / Shutterstock

"The Door Over There"

I'd gone out with a few friends, promptly got way too happy, and by some small miracle ended up going back to this fairly attractive girl's place. The morning after she decides to soothe my hangover a bit with some hands-on time, but before proceeding she says, "You told me last night you don't really do one-night stands. I hope you remember my name?" I completely froze. I buy some time by laughing, and through sheer luck, I notice a picture frame with "Emilia" written on it in bold, colorful letters. It turns out it was her sister's name, who had passed the previous summer. There was no hands-on time after that.

F8 studio / Shutterstock

The Jealous Type

I had a dating app hookup with a girl who said she worked in her father's auto garage. Everything went fine and she ended up spending the night. I woke up the next morning and she had snuck out. I had a text that said, "Why are there pictures of other girls on your phone?" Of course, these were pictures of myself and friends, some of which were girls, at bars and concerts and nothing particularly suggestive.

I though to myself, thank goodness she ditched, I certainly don't want to hang out with a girl who will go through my phone while I'm asleep on the first date, or ever. Later that day, I go to start my car but it won't start. My mechanic said somebody had cut several wires in the ignition system. Guess she knew her stuff.

The Jealous Type

Mehaniq / Shutterstock

"He Looked More Like The Lead Singer Of Nickelback, Not Heath Ledger"

I had just broken up with my boyfriend so I was very vulnerable. I was had too much to drink and was getting food with my friend when we met this guy. I thought he was this super cute Heath Ledger-looking guy with a southern accent. We're talking and I notice this guy has a rather large backpack with him. He tells me he doesn't want to go back to his place because "he had a fight with his roommate." In my altered state, I thought it was a good idea to invite this total stranger back to my place to crash on my couch. We get back to my place and he immediately tells me he wants to take a shower. I thought it was kind of odd but I gave him a towel and left him to it. Then he comes back and tells me he's an artist and draws futuristic architecture (terrible). Whatever. I decide to hook up with him (terrible).

Afterwards, he tells me it was the most amazing time he's ever had, and how we shared this special connection he's never felt before. I thought to myself, "Okay buddy."

The next day I wake up for my internship, and he's still passed out on my bed. I noticed that he looked more like the lead singer of Nickleback, not Heath Ledger. I couldn't wake him up so I just left him there (in retrospect, this was a very irresponsible decision and could have turned out terribly). I came back at 3pm and he was still there, passed out in my bed! So I get him up and try to politely get him to leave but he continues to just lounge around my apartment without clothes on for an entire hour.

Then he starts saying some strange stuff about wanting to buy me something with this check he got from the salvation army. I started to get a weird suspicion that this guy might be homeless. So I ask him where in the city he lives and he kind of skirts the question and basically just says 'around.' That was all I needed to confirm my suspicions. So I tell him some fake excuse about my sister coming over to finally get him out. He refuses to leave without my giving him my number, and then had the audacity to ask me for subway fare! I gave him $20 and a fake number.

file404 / Shutterstock

"I Woke Up To Her Boss..."

I woke up to her boss standing in the living room the next morning. Supposedly, she had been sleeping with him and he wasn't too happy to see an extra vehicle in the yard of the house she was renting from him. Needless to say, I politely left as the fireworks started between them. He was nice enough to leave me out of it.

Iakov Filimonov / Shutterstock

Amazed She Gave It Even Twenty Minutes

I went on a date with this guy, let's call him Randall, back in 2006 or so. It was a pretty terrible date, but he was cute and I hadn't slept with someone in a while, so I accepted an invite back to his place. When we walked in, I was knocked back by the stench. It turns out he had an untrained Dalmatian that went to the bathroom wherever it pleased, including in a pile of Randall's dirty laundry. Randall hadn't cleaned it up for a few days. I probably should have called it quits then, but again, he was cute. We had some clumsy, unsatisfying nookie on his air mattress next to the pile of pee-soaked clothes, and then tried to fall asleep together. I think I gave it a good twenty minutes before I began to wonder if the fumes would pickle my brain, then made some excuse and escaped. I think we're still Facebook friends.

Amazed She Gave It Even Twenty Minutes

Vladimir Gjorgiev / Shutterstock

A Cowboy With A Dark Side

This wasn't a one-night stand, but it almost turned into one. So I met this guy in college. He was shy and came up to me one day, saying, "I saw you sitting over there, you're very pretty." We became friends and hung out a lot in school. One day, three of my classes were canceled and I had nothing to do for hours. He insisted that we hang out at his house because it was pouring rain outside and the cafeteria was too full to sit down anyway. He said his mom and his aunt were home, too.

I agreed...and got into his car. BIG MISTAKE. He drove out to his house in literally the middle of nowhere in the woods, away from all the other houses like in a horror movie.

So we got to his house, and it's completely empty: Alarm one. It was near Halloween so we watched a scary movie in his living room. Very ominous. Eventually, he says, "Take your jacket off and hang it on the wall!" So I did, and he grabbed my behind when I got up: Alarm 2. When I got up, there were TONS of pictures of him dressed as a cowboy. What the heck???

He was apparently a cowboy in the South a few years ago that wrestled baby cows. It was so weird looking at a picture of this guy trying to wrestle a baby cow. Then I got this bad feeling that I was going to get attacked for some reason when I sat down. All of a sudden, he tries to mount me. I shoved him off me. I grabbed my stuff to bolt to the door, but he drove me there so I had no car. I had no clue how to get back to the school, other than by walking in the pouring rain.

A Cowboy With A Dark Side

TeodorLazarev / Shutterstock

"So, Who's Alex?"

I went out dancing at this rock club. I had never had a one-night stand, and had been single for around six months after a very heavy break up. I started dancing with this one guy who was an incredible dancer. I have a lot of respect for guys who dance without a care and are confident about it. So we chat a bit but then my friend insists we leave. I start to, but then I decide to go back to ask for his number but I can't find him. I look some more and tell my friend to just leave without me. I eventually find him and it turns out he was looking for me as well.

We start making out pretty hard and go to catch a night bus, making out almost the entire way home. Once I get to his house, things start getting pretty hot and heavy. We hook up, and I get up to smoke a cigarette as he's passing out. As I walk through his room I start to notice stuff. Like...letters taped all over his bedroom wall and mirror that are signed, "Love you forever, Alex." There are also pictures of this girl named Alex all over the letters too, and there were a lot of letters and a lot of pictures. I shrug it off and figure maybe something happened to her. I come back from my cigarette and lie next to him and notice the Alex tattoo on the back of his arm as he's sleeping.

The next morning, he wakes up and I ask him about Alex. He explains to me that it's his ex-girlfriend he was still in love with, but he's happy because he found me and is so happy to love someone new. I explained to him I was moving away in a month, and he was not in love with me and we should not see each other again.

And also, to maybe not keep hanging those letters up...

nd3000 / Shutterstock

"I Peeked My Head Inside And It Was Her Dad..."

I went home with a girl and went to the bathroom naked during the night. I couldn't remember what door it was. I saw the bathroom light was on and peeked my head in and it was her dad. I ran down the stairs only to hear him yell, "What the heck are you doing?!"

I couldn't remember her name and just responded with, "I came home with the girl." He must have only had one daughter and directed me to her room. The next morning, when she was about to drop me off at home, she introduced me to her parents. Her dad said, "I know who he is, I caught him walking around our house at 4am."

pathdoc / Shutterstock

"His Intense Eye Contact Still Haunts Me"

"I went home with a guy, and he asks if he can turn on some music. I'm like whatever floats your boat. I did not expect him to turn on some hard core rap music. Nothing I have ever heard on the radio before. I'm there so I figure I can tune out the music; that is, until we start hooking up and he starts rapping. Not to himself. He is holding my face, looking me in the eyes rapping this song. His intense eye contact still haunts me."

Ljupco Smokovski / Shutterstock

"I Think These Are Yours"

"I had just broken up with my boyfriend and went to the bar with some friends to cheer me up (despite it being a Wednesday and I had an exam at 8am the next morning --- I don't think we intended to get hammered). Anyway, I end up going home with some guy, I vaguely remember the mediocre hookup. But the next morning, I wake up in his bed, he's facedown in the pillow so I can't see him, I'm naked, my mouth tastes like windex or something. I frantically try to find all of my clothes, my purse, my car keys, and get out without waking him or any roommates he had.

I ended up running up Main Street to where I parked my car the night before only to realize two things: I forgot my keys at his apartment, and my car got towed. Oh, and I only had half an hour to get to campus for my test. Ended up hungover-jog-of-shaming to class just in time. I got a C. Luckily, I had a spare car key at my place and got my car back ($150, I might add). That weekend some guy I swear I've never seen before slyly came up to me and handed me my keys and said 'I think these are yours, and I think you peed in our kitchen.'"

Chubarov Mikhail / Shutterstock

When You Realize You've Hit Rock Bottom

"I was in need of a serious rebound after a bad breakup. One night, I went to see a rock show at a local club. There I met two girls. One of the two was pretty cute, the other was not. They both came back to my apartment where we had a few drinks. Though I was only really attracted to one, my drunk brain was thinking threesome. Well, the cute one announced that they had to get going. Being drunk and in need of a rebound, I appealed to the friend, hoping that she could convince the cute friend to stay. Cute friend declined, but instead of letting them go, I offered to let the less-attractive friend stay. She said she wouldn't have a ride home, so I told her I could take her home the following day.

So she stays, we do the deed, whatever. Being drunk at the time, I didn't quite understand what I was undertaking. But, doesn't matter, got laid, right? I don't know. When I woke up, I realized what I had done. Not only was she a very large person but she also had terrible teeth as well as a tattoo of that hatchet guy from the Insane Clown Posse label. Gross. I had hit rock bottom. I started questioning my choices, thinking that perhaps I should stop drinking altogether because alcohol clearly turns me into this disgusting animal.

Anyway, I've got to wake this girl up so that I can take her home and (literally and figuratively) wash my hands of the whole situation. I lightly wake her up and we get ready to go. She is super appreciative that I'm driving her home, which strikes me as odd until she asks if I know how to get to the town where she lives. I now remember the girls mentioning where they were from earlier in the night, a small town about two and a half hours from my apartment.

So, I spend the next three hours of my life trying to maintain a pleasant conversation with this poor girl who has no idea about the emotional breakdown that is bubbling to the surface. But with every word that comes out of her mouth, it gets worse. She goes on and on about her love for ICP, about how proud she is of being clean of meth for over a year, and other stories that could make a Jerry Springer producer drool. We get to her apartment, I let her out. She asks if I want to come in for one more go around, and I mumble something about having to study for finals or something and I got the heck out of there as fast as I could. I don't think I had another drink for at least a month."

When You Realize You've Hit Rock Bottom

TZIDO SUN / Shutterstock

"Got Out Of There As Soon As I Was Sober"

"I was 18 and at some band's after party. This guy there was pretty cute and we talked for a while and started getting drunk and flirty. We ended up going to the bedroom.

As soon as it was over he said, 'Don't tell anyone because I'm talking to this girl and I don't want her to find out.' I said whatever and laid down to go to sleep. He keeps sitting on the end of the bed and out of nowhere he says, 'I was a virgin.'

I just didn't say anything. He stands up and starts acting really weird and starts going through the closet in this room. I asked what he was doing and he said, 'Seeing if there's any magazines.' Ummm..... He then leaves the room, and one of my friends comes in shortly after. I said, 'Can you sleep in here? Because that guy is acting like a psychopath.' So she and her boyfriend come in and so does another guy. We were all crammed in the bed.

The weirdo comes back in there and is like, 'Well, where am I gonna sleep?' We told him he could go to one of the other rooms or to a couch downstairs. He kept saying he wants to sleep in that bed. He leaves the room and we locked the door. After a few minutes, we hear a knock and it's our friend and her boyfriend. We let them in and she said that the weirdo was downstairs and kept flipping light switches and asking if there was any dirty magazines anywhere while digging through drawers. He ended up picking the lock and coming in the room after we refused to let him in. Got out of there as soon as I was sober."

txking / Shutterstock

"My One And ONLY Online Dating Experience"

"Met a girl from a dating application...Had no car at the time, and she invited me out for the evening...4-hour bus ride. I get there, we're just hanging out and she makes dinner, which was pretty awesome. A couple of her friends arrive before we head to the bar in town. We head out, and it's still somewhat light out.

I'm trying to maintain a good impression so I'm not getting tanked at the bar. Having a good time, playing pool, dancing, etc. The bartender calls last call, so while they go up to get a beer, I go to the washroom. I do my business and come back out to an EMPTY BAR. In the minute it took me to pee and wash my hands, EVERYONE is gone. It's just the bartender cleaning up and me. I figure they're waiting outside for me, so I go out. Parking lot is completely empty.

So it's just past 2 am I have only a vague idea how to get back to this girl's place, and it's raining. Soak-to-the-bone torrential downpour raining...I start making my way back to her place, down a path we took, which is now a muddy mess. My ankle goes sideways and I'm in the mud screaming. Realizing there's NO ONE around, and getting pretty pissed at the whole situation, I somehow hobble my way back to her place. The door's still unlocked (small town) and she's not home, so I make my way back to the bus stop.

I'm sitting on the cement stairs, just waiting...It's about 3:30 am at this point, the bus doesn't come until 10 am, but I'm done with the evening. Then I hear a sobbing sound coming up the hill... She'd been so plastered she forgot about me and walked her friends home. I hobbled her home, passed out for a couple of hours, and when I woke up I had to literally crawl to the living room because my ankle was so messed up. Mashed it into a shoe, hobbled my way to the bus and left. My foot looked like a purple NERF football with the swelling and bruising."

file404 / Shutterstock

This Guy Knows How To Party

"Well. On my 23rd birthday, I had a fun encounter. I started my adventure at a local bar getting nice and drunk. The drinking hole was really busy on this particular evening and I managed to lose track of the friends I had arrived with. Last call rolled around and I couldn't see any of them, so I decided to see if I could find any new friends that would want to keep the party going. I saw this couple across the street stumbling about and laughing, this was exactly what I was looking for. I made my way over and offered them a drink --- which they gladly accepted --- and we decided to plan our next move.

After much deliberation, we came to the idea that we should just call a cab and wing it. So the cab arrived and I decided it was time for action. At this point, I had deduced that these two were not romantically involved. Not yet anyways. So I made the call to jump in the cab, allowed the guy to hop in and shuffle down the backseat before shutting the door. I suggested to the female that we just let him go. She smiled and nodded so I tossed 40 bucks on the driver's lap and told him to take his passenger where ever he wanted. So after the cab left we walked up the street laughing and getting along fine when we decided it was go time. Here and now. We found ourselves getting it on over at this rock retaining wall in plain view of any car that was driving by at the time. We wrapped that up and continued down the road. It was around this time that it started to rain. We still had nowhere to go so I decided that we should take shelter by the local public pool.

The building we had chosen was surrounded by a 7ft high fence. Me, being the gentleman I am, decided it was right to boost my partner in crime over. I got my hands under one of her feet and unfortunately gave it too much mustard. She popped up over the fence coming around one and a half rotations only to smash her face on the stone ground on the other side. I panicked, scrambled over and went to open the door to shelter. The door was locked so I kicked in the deadbolt and helped her inside. She was bleeding pretty badly and I imagine her nose may have been busted. I grabbed her some nearby paper towels and cracked a beer. She calmed down pretty quickly and the idea that we might hook up again arose. So after having doing it again and being bled on, we heard a knock at the door. I called out for the stranger to enter and immediately regretted it. The first thing I saw was a flashlight --- it was the police, and upon seeing the two of us thought that I had intentionally battered my new friend. So after a very tense 15 or 20 minutes, she had successfully defused the situation. After that, I was arrested for trespassing, mischief, and destruction of property."

This Guy Knows How To Party

sanneberg / Shutterstock

Everything Was Perfect Until...

We met in an auto parts store, She was 100% my type and clearly interested. She bought me wine, she bought me dinner, she drove me carefully through the growing blizzard to her house on the edge of town. We kissed, we started to undress.

Then I literally watched a different person start to see from out her eyes. She narrowed focus, and said, "YOU will never hurt me again!" Thus began an hour of physical abuse (punches, hurled crockery) that I just sat there and took, less because I outweighed her by ~30kg than because I was so baffled by what was happening. Apparently I bore a superficial resemblance to her abusive grandfather, and that set it off.

Finally, I fled into the night, got my bearings in the howling blizzard, drew the suit jacket that was my only upper-body covering around my shoulders, and started to walk the ~10km back to my place. My shoes were soon soaked through. Happily, a lady driving a snow plough saw me, picked me up, let me in the cab and gave me tea, and drove me most of the way home.

Everything Was Perfect Until...

TeodorLazarev / Shutterstock


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