1. Mike Pence warns U.S. heading for Canada-style health care if Graham-Cassidy bill fails

Pence had some strong words for those who opposed the latest Republican effort to repeal and replace Obamacare.

"Boy, I tell ya," said Pence, "if we're not careful, we might end up living in a country where people just sort of get the healthcare they need. Like the People's Socialist Republic of Canadastan, where everyone has coverage. All they do all day is keep people alive! Is that what you want?"

Source.

2. Alberta police dog accidentally fires handgun found after parking lot fight

As the Canadian NRA often says, "Guns don't kill people; dogs with guns kill people."

Source.

3. Mystery as man found dead next to pet snake

A UK man was found dead next to his pet snake in a classic whodunit.

"The victim showed signs of strangulation," said a spokesman for Scotland Yard. "Fortunately, the boa constrictor was unharmed. I'll be honest with you - we have no leads at this time."

Some are linking this crime to a similar case from two weeks ago, in which a zookeeper was found strangled to death in the reptile house of the local zoo.

"That victim showed signs of strangulation too," said one detective. "We think we may have a serial killer on our hands. We're calling him 'the human killer'. Or 'the man who kills other men.' I dunno. We're still workshopping it."

Source.

4. Lingerie Football League declares they stand for the national anthem

The Legends Football League, the only professional football league with a champagne room, has issued a statement announcing that their players will proudly stand for the national anthem.

"If there's one thing our league stands for, it's dignity," said communications director Candi Lockhart. "Dignity for the flag, and dignity for the players. Besides, we only take a knee if a fan throws us a twenty. Rules are rules."

Source.

5. Kushner registered as male voter, board says, correcting error

Sources inside the White House speculate that the newest of the 9,000 established human genders may simply be 'Jared Kushner.'

Others note that the President is happier than he's been in months, since "lesbian Ivanka" is one of his go-to fantasies.

Source.

6. Saudi Arabia accidentally prints textbook showing Yoda sitting next to the king

The oversight was immediately denounced by the textbook distributor.

"We sincerely apologize to the people of Saudi Arabia and their monarch," said a spokesman. "We meant to picture His Majesty seated next to Emperor Palpatine, who has expressed support for Saudi Arabia's human rights record with women and the LGBT community."

Source.

7. Hurricane victims call sex hotline after FEMA mistakenly tweets wrong number

FEMA has apologized to hurricane victims after accidentally tweeting a phone sex number instead of the number for the emergency hotline.

"We know it's been tough for the people of Texas and Florida," said a FEMA official. "We certainly didn't mean to make things any harder or wetter than they already are."

But some flood victims were grateful for the mix-up.

"Doesn't bother me none," said Jed Tulles, 54, of Daytona. "Unlike with the emergency hotline, this time I actually got through to an operator."

Source.

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