"Becoming One With Nature"

Everyone can recall a moment they tried something new, but it failed embarrassingly. It's not usually something that will haunt you for life. Unfortunately for Reddit user MartinTheGeek his foray into the unknown cost him more than just his dignity. He recalls his mortifying experience "becoming one with nature" below:

Ljupco Smokovski / Shutterstock

"I Never Tell This Story. Not To Anybody."

"I never tell this story. Not to anybody. Not to Hannah, who inspired it. Not to any friends.

I am a 22-year-old geek. Last year I was a 21-year-old geek who was a senior in college with nearly a 4.0 GPA. And I'm still admittedly a virgin. I'm only about 5'7, a 'studies-while-eating Doritos' belly on an otherwise normal frame.

I told my friend Hannah about how I like to wake up very early on some days and head to the local nature preserve before class. I'm always alone, and it's beautiful. She told me that she and her boyfriend used to go, and sometimes, she would strip to the nude. She said it was not dirty at all. It allowed her to be 'one with nature'.

She said, 'You should try it sometime if you ever get the balls. Literally.'

Yeah right. I never even take my shirt off at the beach.

"I Got The Itch"

While I was out on a bright, sunny, only slightly brisk, autumn Tuesday morning... I got the itch. I don't EVER do anything out of character. Why not just try it out? Nobody will see, nobody will ever know.

So, I went for it. I actually undressed. I took off my heavy boots and long socks. My sweater. My pants. My undershirt. There I was, shivering (it wasn't THAT cold, just a tad chilly, but the nerves got to me) in nothing but my light blue boxers. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and slid them down and kicked them off.

Now as bare as a newborn baby, I timidly walked towards the lake - about 50 yards from where I left my clothes - and I looked up at the gorgeous view. The trees. The mountains. The beautiful, clear, blue lake. There I was, Martin the virgin geek. Naked. Buck naked, in fact. More naked than the trees, which were 'clothed' in leaves. More naked than Adam in the Garden of Eden, who at least had a fig leaf. I was exposed. Not just physically, but exposed to new excitement and beauty. Inspired, I even walked around the entire lake, as naked as the day I was born. My bare belly shaking. My white-as-a-ghost 'bubble butt' that Hannah would also make me blush over - that she said I was always 'hiding' under my nerdy khakis - jiggling behind me. My privates bobbing in the brisk air.

"I Truly Was One With Nature. Then I Returned..."

I walked around the entire lake. I truly was one with nature. Then I returned... and everything was gone. My clothes, my backpack, my wallet, my money, my credit cards, and my ID!

Suddenly, I went from a newly-confident naturist to a butt naked and shivering geek boy, timidly jogging/tip-toeing behind a tree for cover.

Now I was hiding my body shamefully from behind a tree, nervously poking my head out from behind it, eyes darting back and forth, looking for the thief who stripped me somehow even more naked than I already was. I could feel my big, bare, white butt behind me shaking even with that subtle movement.

There I was. I had nothing on me except the smattering of hair on my chest, stomach, arms, and legs. Reduced to being protected only by my own body hair like an animal.

At one point, shielding myself behind the large oak tree, I even managed to squeak out, 'If you're out there, please give me back my underwear at least. I'm NAKED!'

'Oh Baby, Nice Butt!'
'Oh Baby, Nice Butt!'

After staying there in a panic for 10 minutes, I knew what my only humiliating option was. I took off running, butt naked, through the bright, sunny woods. Wearing nothing but the blush on my face. My goodness, my butt must have been a sight behind me.

For a few minutes, I had to hide in the bushes like a scared, exposed bunny as a few college kids stopped on a trail to talk, with no idea that my naked spectacle was hidden just about 30 feet away.

I then made a final break for the ranger station, hearing a 40+-year-old female camper yell, 'Oh baby, nice butt!' as I tried to pathetically cover my buttcrack with one hand, palm outwards behind me.

I finally made it to a park ranger, who laughed his butt off, asked me why I didn't stay out there and get a tan, and eventually got me a ride home, where my giggling landlady let me inside.

Thanks for the tip, Hannah. I sure got one with nature, alright.

I thought nothing of it, but last week graduating from college, I interviewed for my dream job. The exact company I had my eye on from day one.

Then my background check came back. I wasn't on any offender list or anything, but they apparently do an extensive internet search, and the one article I prayed would be gone was not.

The local paper (none of my friends or family live near that nature preserve and never saw it, thank God) had an article about a boy robbed and left 'as bare as the day he was pulled screaming from his mother.' With my name all over it.

'Indecent exposure in a public place. It says here you ran through a private park... in the nude.'

I was told, 'Sorry, antics like this are automatically against our policy.' By the Human Resources girl in her 20's obviously trying to hold in giggling over the phone."

"Nakey is... Nakey!"

I think we could all learn something from this. Like an animal in the wild, when you're naked in public you have to always be on the lookout for predators. Also, maybe have a plan. Don't just run out, throwing your clothes off with wild abandon - get smart before you get naked.

Don't let this woeful tale stop you from being daring. Just do what makes you happy. As Tommy Pickles from the shoe Rugrats once said, "I don't care what anybody says, Chuckie! Nakey is good! Nakey is free! Nakey is... Nakey!"

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