"It was the first day of a new college semester. One of the classes I had signed up for was a speaking class. Of course, on the first day the professor gave us 10 minutes to think of a story about ourselves that we then would have to share in a three-minute, graded speech as an introduction.
There was one girl who was so overly excited that she volunteered to speak first out of the entire class. She began to tell us how her parents owned a retirement home and worked really hard to start their own business. They had a lot of huge aquariums for the older individuals living there to enjoy. Then, she said that she and her brother got bored one day so they broke the aquarium glass and grabbed a knife out of the kitchen to stab the fish.
'So, yeah, that's my story,' she said at the end, giggling all cute.
Needless to say, I did not talk to her once that semester and neither did anyone else in the class."
"It was my first week at college. I was meeting lots of people in general. I was going to out to eat with some of the people I met and they brought this guy I will call 'Chuck.' I don't remember the first sentence Chuck said to me as he introduced himself, but I sure as heck remember his second sentence.
'My mom and I have a weird relationship because she tried to sell me to feed her addiction when I was a baby,' he said.
I burst out laughing because I thought it was some kind of dark, sick joke. He looked at me deadpan and said, 'Why are you laughing?'
Over the next year or so, he then proceeded to bring it up repeatedly and act like I was the weird one for laughing at his trauma. Let's just say that I'm glad I don't see him around anymore."
"There was a girl I went to college with who I was thinking about dating. I would flirt with her in class. The first time I walked her out to her car, we talked for a solid 20 minutes. I got ready to ask her out when she started talking about how she threw a hatchet through her ex-boyfriend's bedroom window and missed his head by a foot."
"In college, we had to do one of those 'introduce yourself and say one random fact about you' games. It went around the classroom with the normal stuff: 'I'm Susie, I've got three cats,' etc, etc. Then, this one kid stood up and said, 'My name's Kieran and I self-harm.'
The whole room was silent."
"The very first day that my new college roommate arrived, I was on the couch doing homework. Before he had even unpacked his stuff, he came up to me and asked what I was typing.
'I'm typing a paper on the psychological effects of adult entertainment on the brain,' I said.
'Oh, if you want to interview me for your paper, I can help you,' he responded in a totally sincere and friendly way. 'I have a lot of first-hand experience with adult entertainment addiction.'
There was an awkward silence as I pondered how to respond. Before I said anything, he continued.
'Well, not with real people,' he said. 'I have no interest in real people. It's actually cartoon videos based on My Little Pony, like fan art of My Little Pony characters doing it. I've been addicted to that for years.'
I thought he was joking. My subsequent several months living with him confirmed that he was, indeed, not joking."
"I was talking to someone who I shared a class with. Then, he said to me, 'If someone cloned you and the clone was of the opposite gender, I'd bang you.'
Incredibly weird thing to say to someone you've just met."
"It was my freshman year in biology class. Our teacher was gathering groups and put me at a table with two girls. After a while, he then assigned another kid who showed up late to our table.
'Hi,' the kid said as soon as he sat down, 'I showed up late because my mom caught me pleasuring myself to hot girls and yelled at me.'
That was it. He just blurted that out. It was super awkward the whole time doing that assignment."
"Back in Georgia at college, I met identical twin brothers at a party one night. The more inebriated of the two casually mentioned that they would 'tag team' if they couldn't each find a girl to hook up with. I'm always down for a messed up story, so I asked them why the girls were OK with it. The less inebriated brother said they would pretend that they were the same person so 'it didn't seem weird.' I tried to play it off like it wasn't the most insane thing I'd ever heard.
'Well, I guess even the member would be the same so it would be hard to notice a change up,' I said.
The most wasted one said, 'Oh no, I'm thicker. He's longer.'
I was in it too deep to back out at that point. Even though I had already guessed the answer, I asked how they knew that. They both chuckled in unison and the less wasted one said, 'Sometimes we don't find a girl.'"
"I was a freshman in college and I was making new friends in the dorms one night when this girl in the room started talking about how she loved fisting. After a few minutes of cringing and trying to figure out what was happening, she introduced herself to me saying, 'I don't think we've met before, actually.'
'No, no we have not,' I replied.
What a wonderful introduction that was."
"It was my first day of college and the art course I was in was doing a sort of bonding session for students to get to know each other. You had to turn to the person on your right and talk to them for a few minutes about your favorite band. Mine was Linkin Park, at the time.
'I love Linkin Park too!' the student on my right replied, 'One Step Closer was the song I tried to commit suicide to.'"
"I am a middle aged man attending a junior college. A young woman roughly half my age greeted me in a computer lab at school. It was our very first exchange outside of class. Once the small talk was over, she engaged her friends in their own conversation. I was more on the polite periphery of this new conversation than actually part of it, but I was still engaged enough to nod along, chime in, or whatever else.
Suddenly, by exploiting a very particular segue from the topic of eye glasses to contraceptive failures, she described having an infection and accidental pregnancy with her IUD including the phrase, 'I peed on his member.'
I know way, way too much about my classmate now."
"In college, there was this one guy living in the dorms who was really quiet and seemed very shy. One night at around 2 am, we're both in the common room studying and I struck up a conversation. I was not trying to flirt, just maybe make a friend. It went fine, at first. He said he was a STEM (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics) major. I was a STEM major, too. It was the typical undergrad conversation. Then, we started exchanging funny stories.
His funny story was about how he stole his neighbor's daughter's pet dog, decapitated it, stuck the severed head on a stick and slowly lifted it over the wooden fence all spooky-like.
So funny. It was freaking hilarious how the girl screamed and screamed.
The dude was so amused by this memory that he began laughing his butt off as he related it to me. I just sat there with my grin transformed into a grimace of horror.
'Welp, yeah,' I said. 'Time to get back to studying now.'
I made sure never to talk to him again. In fact, that was almost 30 years ago and that dude still holds the Number One slot for 'guys I've met who are probably serial killers.'"
"We were in band class messing around. It was just after our first concert, so we had a day or two while the teacher tried to put together the pieces we would be playing for the final concert of the year. I was chatting with a few people in the class. This one senior girl was going on and on about how much she parties and how messed up she gets. You know, typical 18-year-old high schooler boasting about how much they party and what-not.
Then, halfway through her bit, she said, 'Oh yeah, and then at this one party, I got so wasted, a guy took my shirt off and took a picture of me topless on my phone. The next day he asked to see my phone and was showing it to people.'
She started laughing, at which point she whipped her phone out.
Yep, that's a picture of her topless.
I had to do a double-take because that was kind of creepy that someone did that. But, she was laughing about it and, indeed, showed it to me again. Even 15-year-old me was caught somewhere between my hormones and my conscience telling me, 'That's pretty messed up.'
At least she thought it was funny?"
"I had a school project with a random girl sitting next to me. Halfway through the class, she told me all about how her ex-boyfriend could not finish unless she stuck her thumb up his butt. I learned this among other stories related to their intimate life. Needless to say, I didn't sit next to her again after that class."
"I was playing 'I Have Never' in college. One man was being pretty quiet because he had never done any of the things people called out, except for probably kissing a girl at most. He was kind of a big guy and a bit weird, not the kind who needs to spend his life without losing his V-Card though.
It was obvious to all of us that he starting to get upset. Whenever it was his turn to say a thing, he did not speak. One girl kept pushing him to just say anything, even if it was boring.
Then, someone called out, 'I have never run a successful website.' Nobody drank but the big guy. Then, we asked for details. We shouldn't have asked for details. It was a site involving children engaging in inappropriate activity. He cried and we reported him to the police."
"In high school, there was this girl I kind of liked. She barely spoke, so I barely spoke to her. After being in class with her for about one week and exchanging maybe three words, she turned around, looked at me and said 'My father takes advantage of me at night,' and turned back around.
I was 15, so I just said, 'Oh,' and just noped out."
"My freshman year of college, I was roaming my dorm before a party and found this group of girls. We talked and they all seemed cool. They asked me to go party hopping with them, so I did.
On the way to the first party, one of these girls was pretty wasted and said, 'I was in a group bang session last week with the football players.' At another point in the night, she pulled her pants all the way down and urinated in the middle of the street. She was a free spirit for sure."
"I was an athlete on a club team in college. After the first practice of the year, I was walking back to the dorms with some friends when one of the new guys let us know he was a big fan of butt-to-mouth.
We were all straight males, so he was not coming on to us. It was so sudden and random. I can't remember how long the awkward silence lasted before we all started peeing ourselves laughing."
"In my second year of college, we held a party at my flat. We invited second and third year students in the department my flatmates and I knew and some of the more sociable new first years.
During the night, while playing a drinking game at the table, one of the first year women told us she had a 'funny' story. She then proceeded to tell about 20 listening people how she had vomited while going down on her boyfriend. Nobody knew how to react so there was a moment of silence before she followed up by saying she had then finished him off 'using the vomit as lubricant.'
To this day, I wonder what reaction she expected."
"I was smoking on a college campus when a girl came up to me. She might have bummed a smoke, or asked to sit on the bench next to me. She started a conversation about how much she loved to smoke, when it got uncomfortable quickly.
'I am so mad at my brother though,' she said, 'because he told my parents that I smoke.'
'That sucks,' I said, thinking Who really cares? but trying to be nice.
'Yeah, he told them in his suicide note. He killed himself last year.'
She went on to describe his suicide and the note in great detail, most of which I have blocked from my memory. I'm not sure if it is more sad to rat your sister out for something petty in your suicide note or to recite your brother's suicide note to a stranger."
"Awkward first impressions are the story of my life. I guess I'm glad people feel like they can immediately be super open with me, but I never know quite what to say.
I once met a friend of a friend at high school. Right after we introduced ourselves, she said something like, 'Wow, I wish I was skinny like you. Sure, there are tons of chubby chasers out there, but they're always old guys. I have a boyfriend now who's 47.'
We were 15.
Another time, I sat next to a kid in homeroom who, within the first week of school, told me he was going to wear a diaper to school the next day and 'use it.'
I was in a wood shop class with one other girl who told me on the first day that she was planning on seducing the teacher, so I shouldn't try to make any moves on him as well.
In college, I had a random roommate who asked me to guess how many women he had slept with. Then, he told me to try to be out of the house on weekends because things were going to get loud and include hentai."
"When I was in high school, I liked to go to the balcony of our theater to take naps during my free periods because it was usually empty. One day, I walked up the stairs and saw a girl in the grade below me whom I sort of knew cutting herself with scissors. She freaked out and ran away. I eventually caught up with her and we had an intense conversation.
She started telling me about her life and the things that led her to self-harming. She told me how her dad abused her, called her a worthless hussy and countless other terrible things all the time, and would hit her and her mom until they finally had enough and left him. The abuse she suffered is what got her to start cutting and getting into substance abuse. It was the only way she knew how to cope with stress.
We became friends after that day. I encouraged her to start seeing the school counselor or a therapist, which I had just started doing myself. She eventually did. Sadly, we lost touch after she moved away. I hope she's doing okay now."
"A girl I met in high school was sitting in a corner at lunch crying. I asked her what was wrong. She told me her mom did not feed her at home and refused to give her lunch money for school. I shared my lunch with her from that day forward.
It has been 10 years and we now have a family together."
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