Mom Of The Year
Mom Of The Year

Apparently, she found her son in the garage with a bottle of antifreeze and he was acting kinda weird, so she figured he was drinking it. She went online and saw that the cure for ethylene glycol poisoning is ethanol.

So she went to the bottle cabinet and started POURING STRAIGHT JIM BEAM DOWN THIS POOR KIDS THROAT! Then, of course, he passed out, and she decided maybe they should go to the hospital. The kid lived, thank God."

He Learned The Hard Way
He Learned The Hard Way

"I'm a urology resident, and I once went to a see a patient in the ER who had priapism (painful hard-ons). His girlfriend, who wasn't the prettiest thing, was sitting next to him. Basically his hardness didn't go away for 8-10 hours, so he came in. Most people choose to come in much before then, but some people choose to wait. It makes the job more difficult for both me and them when they wait too long.

The first step in treating him was to drain the priapism by manually removing the blood directly from the erectile bodies. I let him know that a side effect of the procedure is ED, but if he keeps his priapism for too long, his hardness is even more doomed because there's scarring and fibrosis that occurs. So he agreed to proceed, and I get started.

I stuck a needle directly into the side of his member and drained as much blood as possible, then irrigated the inside with saline. I repeated this process over and over. Because he had waited so long, it took about 2-3 hours for the entire process.

I also injected phenylephrine repeatedly, which constricts the vessels feeding his unit so more blood doesn't come in. This is all pretty standard stuff for any urologist. I use lidocaine of course, but it works only up to a point when you're putting needles into a man.

Finally, after multiple punctures, aspirations, and injections, it was down to about 40% hardness, which is excellent. Keep in mind, the guy was completely awake in the ER. Usually if it stays halfway soft, it's fine. But all too often, it returns, and then you're back when you started.

So I told the guy that I wanted to give him about an hour in the ER, and then I'd come back to ensure that the hardness hadn't returned. He agreed to rest up after the ordeal. I took care of a few other things on my list of things to do and returned in about an hour.

I asked the guy about his hardness, and he told me not to worry about it, and that he's great. I asked to take a look, and to my horror, his hardness was about 90%! He again said not to worry.

Then he told me why. He was so worried regarding the side effect of ED that I told him about at the very beginning that he had been fondling his girlfriend in the ER since I left. He was thrilled that he could still get hard. I, of course, was so worried that I was going to spend another 2 or 3 hours draining this guy's member. Luckily for both of us, I came back half an hour later, and it was pretty much flaccid, so he went home. He almost bought himself another round of needles, drainage, etc. What an idiot."

His Brain Was In The Way
His Brain Was In The Way

"As an EMT student, I responded to a man who called 911 complaining of an insect crawling up his ear. Upon arrival, we asked what ear the bug crawled into. He says his right ear, but keeps complaining about burning coming from his left.

We noticed his wife standing next to him holding a bottle of insect spray. Upon further questioning we come to find out she sprayed insecticide into his left ear thinking it would 'flush' the insect out of his right ear. I had to explain to her that our ear canals are separated by our brain. Yikes."

That's Not How You Treat Food Poisoning
That's Not How You Treat Food Poisoning

"I used to work in a lab in a hospital in a rural town. One day I got a stool sample from the ER that was basically a blood clot the size of a golf ball. Sometimes the ER gets mixed up and sends me the wrong specimen, like some kind of body fluid mislabeled as urine, for example.

I called the patient's nurse and asked what the deal was with the patient, and if it was really stool they sent up. The nurse I talked to said the patient thought he'd eaten bad pork, and to prevent food poisoning, drank a concoction of bleach, isopropyl, Smirnoff, ibuprofen and some Tums. Nice!"

A Noble Attempt
A Noble Attempt

"I once responded to a 9-1-1 call for a man bleeding. Supposedly the guy had an angiogram (catheter stuck in the artery near your groin to look at the blood vessels near your heart for blockages) earlier that day and was released with the explicit instructions to not mess with the bulky dressing.

The old coot decides to 'adjust' it, causing it to open, and pouring blood out his artery. What does the guy do? He puts duct tape all around his groin. Not just a few pieces, either. No, he attached it to his junk and up and down his leg. It was a noble attempt, but did not do much to control the arterial pulsations."

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