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Doctors do the best they can to keep the people in their communities as healthy as possible. It doesn't really help, though, if those patients don't even know the most basic facts about human biology. Even some of the basic things, like drinking water, seem to be a challenge to some people.

Everyone knows there are some really nutty people out there, but these folks take the cake! We found a collection of hilarious and ridiculous stories from doctors that will leave you to wonder how some of these people remember to breathe.

The Smell Was


The Smell Was "Bad Enough To Gag A Maggot Off A Meat Wagon"

When the doctor noticed that there was discharge from the patient's privates, she began to question the patient, did they use protection, etc. According to mom, the patient said, 'No doc, we always use a rubber.' The doctor looked down then noticed that there was a small rubber band coming from the woman's privates. The doctor reached in with his gloved hand and pulled it out.

What came next can only be described as a magician pulling the magic cloth out of someone's mouth...one rubber band after another came out over the course of the next 10 minutes. Finally, once they were all removed, the doctor had 'the talk' with the woman and made sure she knew that rubber bands were not a successful contraceptive and not what they meant by 'wearing a rubber.' Then he wrote her a prescription for Abx."

If Only There Was A Way To Tell
If Only There Was A Way To Tell

"My S.O. is a med student. He helped to diagnose a 40-year-old woman who finally sought out a doctor after having open, festering wounds on her entire torso for over a year. These open wounds only appeared after more than a year of painful, visible lumps on her chest. She had never sought treatment prior to this.

S.O. had to inform her that her entire body was riddled with cancer, that there was no treatment to help her, and that she would be dead very soon.

Her sister, who was there the entire time, began loudly proclaiming what a shame it was that nothing could ever have been done and that hopefully someday we would be able to detect cancer sooner. S.O. watched the doctor explain that pretty much any other woman in the country would have gotten effective treatment at the first sign of the lumps."

So That's What It Means!
So That's What It Means!

"I'm a paramedic. Once I was driving with my partner and the patient in the back. The patient was going to be just fine. Her skeezy boyfriend was riding in the front with me and apparently saw a golden opportunity to ask a question that had obviously been on his mind for some time.

Him: 'So when cats and dogs eat grass, that means they have cancer, right?'

Me:' Ummm. No. No, it does not.'

Made for an awkwardly silent ride the rest of the way."

He Followed The Instructions A Little Too Literally

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He Followed The Instructions A Little Too Literally

"When I worked as a nurse in urgent care, we had a guy with a bad abrasion on his leg stemming from a fall down a flight of steps. He was prescribed a topical cream, among other things. Directions on the tube: apply to the affected area. Sounds simple enough, right?

At the follow-up, we noticed the wound was gross and not healing at all. He insisted he put the cream on the affected area and it just wasn't working for him!

The doctor suspected something, so he had the patient demonstrate how he applied the cream so we can maybe offer some further help. The patient says he can't because we're not at his house.

And that's where the stairs are.

This man was rubbing the cream on the stairs he fell down because the instructions said to 'rub on affected area.'"

Jenny McCarthy Isn't A Reliable Source Of Information

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Jenny McCarthy Isn't A Reliable Source Of Information

"I had a patient tell me: 'I don't want my baby to get a vaccine because Jenny McCarthy's book says her son got Autism from the Thimerosal in his MMR vaccine.'

For starters, Jenny McCarthy is a one time Playboy model who wants to sell you her books. Moreover, MMR is a live vaccine and does not contain Thimerosal. Thimerosal contains Ethylmercury, which clears from your body in about 10 days, unlike methylmercury which stays for months and actually causes damage. Oh, and measles killed 135,000 people in the world LAST YEAR. Plus, autism has a strong genetic component. If one identical twin has it, there is a 75% chance the other will as well. Not to mention Andrew Wakefield faked the research linking autism to MMR vaccine, lost his license to practice medicine and made millions helping lawyers sue and selling books. He lives in a mansion in England.

I went to school for 11 years, spent 10,000 hours studying and just want to make sure your child stays healthy. Quit thinking your five minutes of internet research means anything, get over yourself, and vaccinate your baby."

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